"I am the Lord's servant"

Hi friends and family,

I haven't been listening to Christmas carols and have been telling myself that I am just not in the mood. However, Jesus keeps giving me gentle nudges and the other night I thought I would just tune in to our local Christian (or uplifting) radio station. A song had already started and the singer was singing like she was Mary just after Jesus' birth. She sang about wondering how he would show himself as the Savior. It was a simple, sweet, and lovely song. While she sang I thought about the Magnificat (I hope I spelled that right) and how when Mary glorified God she wasn't just saying that she, a Virgin, would be willing to bear the son of God. She was submitting herself to God will and saying that she would trust him with everything. At that moment I realized that I am trusting God to provide everything for me, to keep me faithful, to keep me sane, and to bring me moments of joy, jubilation, comfort, and love. Praise God that He loved us so much that he would come to us through this humble and faithful woman. Even this Christmas there are some good moments. I wanted all of you to know that it isn't all black and painful in my life. There are some smiles and I have even sung along to some of the Christmas songs that I have loved for so many years. Bill, of course, is hamming it up in the Heavenly choir and enjoying the beauty of all those perfectly in tune voices praising God.

So - this week has actually been hard too. Mom is not better and yesterday she was admitted to the hospital. Mom has a shunt in her brain to drain fluid and the doctors were afraid that the shunt had stopped working. I just got back from the hospital and it does now appear that it is NOT the shunt (Thank you Jesus - that would be really serious), but that she may have just gotten dehydrated and gotten her minerals and electrolytes and all of that other human junk all out of whack. They are replacing fluids, doing tests, and the doctor told me that her blood work is showing some improvement and hopefully she will get to come home soon. Her kidneys aren't working well, but they are getting a little better. Please keep mom in your prayers that God will bring her home soon. I love you all very much. Love, Sue

Christmas is about Jesus

Hello dear friends and family,

First some joy. I have been reading I Thessalonians & read this the other night:

13: "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him....And the dead in Christ will rise first."

I know that I have read that before, but it really made me feel good that Paul would write so clearly about our Christian family who has died. I know that if I am alive when Christ comes again I will be looking for Bill - he will be there with all of the rest of Christ's family. It is nice to feel good about something.

Christmas is hard. There are so many memories, small rituals, "ways" we did things and I am reminded of my loss in hundreds of small ways every day. A Senior citizen counselor told me the other day that someday I will feel a "new normal." I like that idea. I know that I will never be the same again, but a different normal, one that isn't so painful will be nice. Somehow I believe that it will be a long time coming.

Sorry, this is kind of a downer. I did buy presents, and I am wearing my Christmas earrings so I am celebrating some. I am enjoying church - being with my Christian family is very very helpful.

I think that I am also struggling so much because Bill's mom is sick. She spent most of last week sleeping - like 23 hours a day. Yes, I mean that, 23 hours a day. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Frankly I was glad to hear that. I had jumped off the deep end and figured that I was losing her too. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and told us that she should feel better in a day or two. Last weekend was my weekend to work and by Sunday night it was clear to me that she wasn't better. She was still sleeping 23 hours a day. That really was her major symptom, no fever or nausea. So, I took Monday off and we went back to the doctor. He could hear wheezing in her breathing. Mom has Asthma, but hasn't had an episode in over 2 years. Well, she is having an episode now. Fortunately she doesn't have Pneumonia and she has some medications to open up her airways so that she can start to recover from this Asthma episode. Today when I came home she was actually awake. She still feels really crappy, but I am hopeful that she has turned a corner and is starting to recover. I don't mind taking care of her. It was the thought that I might lose her so quickly after losing Bill that frightened me.

Last week was also abnormally cold for Seattle and I worried about losing electricity or that it would snow. Every night I would pray that Jesus would let us keep our electricity and that I wouldn't have to cope with trying to go to work in the snow. I kept telling God that I just couldn't cope with that one more thing. I know - I am a big baby. It just all piled up on me. Gosh - it feels good to say it and let it go. I have been given several small booklets on grief from different people and for some reason I started to read one that a dear friend sent to me recently. Some of the information is helpful - like I am easily overwhelmed. Talking with all of you really helps a lot too. Of course, I do talk to people in person as well, or on the phone. I hope that I remember my whole life how much help phone calls have been and call people who lose someone in the future. I am not the greatest at making the calls, but I do enjoy hearing from people and finding out what is going on in their lives. It reminds me that not everyone is frozen in grief like me and that I will not be frozen in this pain forever. Bill would haunt me if I stayed this sad forever. He is happy. I will settle for some measure of peace. Well - I would like my mother in law to be healthy again too.

Please add my mother in law to your prayers. Pray that God gives her health again and that she and I can get through Christmas remembering my wonderful husband with joy that he is with that lovely baby Jesus. It is such a mixed feeling - missing Bill desperately and being so happy for him. That is where the Bible is so helpful - we have hope and confidence that Jesus died and rose again and Bill and all of the saints will come back when Christ comes again. WOW!

Love to you all, thanks for listening to me. It means a lot to me. Love, Sue

First Holidays

Hello dear family and friends,

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.

I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.

Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.

Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.

Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.

I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.

Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.

I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.

I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:

"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue

My oh my - it has been a long time since that I have blogged. I think about talking with you all a lot, but then I don't sit down and actually talk with you.

The first thing that I want to talk about actually happened two weeks ago. Lutheran Ministries Service NW had a most beautiful memorial for Bill. We started with a perfect Lutheran potluck. Bill would have gone straight to the desert table and tried one of everything. Bill did like his deserts. The Harmony Sisters sang while we ate and that was great. Bill really enjoyed their harmonious way of singing and that they loved Jesus so much. Then we all went into the church at Pilgrim Lutheran and had a lovely Memorial Service. Spirit Band led the music part and sang a couple of Bill's favorite songs. Mom and I both cried through the whole service, but it was so nice to sit with the people who supported Bill's prison/hospital ministry and celebrate eternal salvation. I hope that all of the people who support LMSNW know how much Bill enjoyed his aftercare prison ministry and felt that providing support in aftercare was so much a part of Jesus command to support those so much less fortunate than us. Some of those men ministered to Bill. He sometimes told me that he could feel the Holy Spirit working in their lives and how privileged he was to be part of their lives. I doubt that it is easy to give of our limited resources to support this, but so many lovely people do and Bill really appreciated it. Mom and I agreed that although it was hard for us to go, we were glad that we did and now we feel that we have done enough memorials. Bill, I'm sure is totally focused on enjoying himself at Jesus' feet and would agree.

So, I'm writing this from Charlotte, North Carolina. Amanda & I are here for Michael and Tiffany Fremder's wedding last Saturday. Boy was that a beautiful wedding. It was a candlelight wedding and then cocktails and dinner. Yes, they had "shooters", Bloody Mary's with an oyster at the bottom. I took a deep breath, and with Bill in mind (who loved oysters) drank it down. It was good. Amanda and I got to spend lots of time with all of the Fremders and that was wonderful.

We have been able to do some fun tourist things. We have been to two plantations - no they don't look like the one in "Gone With the Wind." The second plantation home was built by a merchant from Philadelphia and he did a replica of a row house. We are flying out late this afternoon and going to a Revolutionary War Hero's home. Yesterday we drove a few hours to Asheville and met Jim and Janice McDaniels and toured Biltmore, the Vanderbilt's home. WOW. It was great to see them too. We have eaten Southern cooking (hush puppies, collard greens, spoon bread) and of course we have had Barbecue.

This has been a good trip for me. I have cried. Well - I cry at odd times anyway, but mostly I have enjoyed myself. I find that Bill comes into the conversation easily and that I enjoy talking about what he and I did and about him. It keeps him alive for me and honors the wonderful life that he and I shared. Amanda has been a wonderful companion (gosh - can you tell that I am proud of her) and has done most of the driving. What more could a mother ask. Her sweet husband calls her 2 - 3 times a week. Isn't that sweet? I guess that cell phones allow romance to stay warm even when you are waltzing your mother around.

I have felt Bill's presence at times too. He tells me to enjoy myself and that he is enjoying the times that I am enjoying. God is so gracious to allow me some sense of my sweet William. Jesus, of course, is walking along with me. Thank you God for comforting me and letting me take this trip and be able to say that I am, for the most part, enjoying myself. I live in the world - I feel all of the emotions that one feels.

Happy Thanksgiving all. Amanda and Ron and Kris, Bob and Megan will be with Mom and I. I talked with Karl yesterday and he will go out (I hope) and get some turkey. Please include us in your prayers as we face this first Thanksgiving dinner without Bill at the head of the table. I know that he is enjoying the heavenly feast. I bet that I will never stop wishing that he could still be with me. Love to you all, Sue

I sold Bill's car today

I am thinking of Luther's hymn where he says that goods, wife, and family are not important - only God. I know that I butchered that phrase - forgive me dear friends.

Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.

So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.

The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.

Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.

I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?

Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.

Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue

God is With Us as we suffer

1st Peter1:4-5 and 8-9: God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear. You have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day. then he will save you, just as he has always planned to do.

(8): You have never seen Jesus, and you don't see him now. but still you love him and have faith in him, and no words can tell how glad and happy you are to be saved. That's why you have faith.

I have been thinking about Bill and his demonstration of faith as he faced death. I only hope that my faith is as strong. Bill was not afraid of death at all. Now, I was afraid because I didn't want to lose Bill. But Bill was so confident that frankly he didn't even seem to be thinking about joining Jesus. It seemed that Bill felt like he was already really tight with God and he would just be going to a closer relationship. In fact Bill longed to go to God. He asked God many times a day to just come for him. Bill felt so strongly that he would be be close to God and that the promise was his that he really didn't care about this world at all. The only thing that Bill feared was that he would get sicker and be in more pain. He certainly didn't want that. I told Bill, when he told me this, that I didn't believe that God planned for him to get sicker. In truth I just couldn't see how Bill could be any more miserable and I just felt that God would relieve that misery. I also told Bill that I would be on the phone with the Hospice nurse no matter what time that it was and I wouldn't get off the phone until I had something that would relieve any more "sickness." Bill didn't get sicker. The medicines worked to relieve the misery and then he fell asleep, and then he died. God protected Bill and Bill's faith wrapped around him like a blanket of love and a cocoon of hope.

Today in Bible class we read in Peter and I went back to chapter one and had these verses leap out at me. God has something stored up in heaven for each and every one of us. I think that something is that we will be close to God and spend eternity with him. I feel such comfort from these words. I miss Bill every moment of every day. I long for him to be with me. And at the very same moment I am so happy for him and I look forward to receiving the promise myself. It is true that there really aren't any words for how happy I have always been, all of my life, that I am saved and a member of God's family. So, thank you God for giving us the Bible. It brings me comfort and wisdom during the dreadful time of sadness while I am separated from my loved husband on this earth.

I think I'd better change the subject. I cry a lot and crying is good, but I do want to be able to talk with all of you. I think of you a lot, even when I am not writing. This has been so good for me to know that my friends and family love me, and also that I love all of you so much that I want to tell you what I am thinking.

I went to Sequim for the second time since Bill's death this last weekend. My friend Jeanne joined me on Friday and Saturday so that I wouldn't be alone. That was so helpful. I am thankful to her and her husband for sharing her. I went on Wednesday night and spent Tuesday night loading the truck and telling myself that I could get all this stuff to Sequim and that I am capable to driving the truck and loading and unloading the truck. I did pretty good. I covered my load and it did flap around some. I guess that practice in covering loads will make my covers tighter and less "flappy." The important part, that my load was secure did make me feel proud. Bill would have been proud of how I loaded things and got it all to fit. Kai, the dog, went too and wasn't thrilled to ride in the truck. I was listening to the radio as we drove and of course it was dark so I was paying close attention to the road. When we arrived in Sequim and I safely put the truck in the garage I wondered if I would be too overwhelmed with sadness when I went into the house. But, then Kai threw up on the front seat - placing her load right between the seats and that took care of any sad emotions on my part. By the time I cleaned up her mess and unloaded the food it was 10:00 and I went to bed. Thank you Kai - you keep me from getting too overwhelmed. Kai and I had lovely walks. My friends on Diamond Point visited, spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel welcome. Jeanne listened to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. It was a good beginning. I also took the truck to town and got a load of bark dust to put around the fruit trees, blueberries, and raspberries. There were two lonely raspberries left on the bush. They were delicious. I plan to go back in 2 weeks with my mother in law. If you are reading this and you live close by please think about whether you would like to help me out and go to Sequim with me. I promise that the scenery will be beautiful and that I will clean up all messes. Bill and I typically went on the weekends that I don't work and I plan to keep that up. It is our dream retreat and I know in my heart that it will be part of my healing.

My other project tonight is to get the pictures of Bill's Toyota Corolla on Craig's List so that I can try to sell the car. I have it all cleaned up and it is time to try to see about selling it. Well - actually I plan to actually sell it, not just try to sell it. It is a nice little car and I am sure there is someone who will get some good use from it. I try to do one hard thing a week - if I am successful with uploading the pictures I may let myself call this the one hard thing this week.

Mom is doing fine. I think that she really missed me while I was gone. The quiet of the house really gets to her. It gets to me too. I used to only watch TV or listen to radio once in awhile, but now one of them is on all of the time - I want the background noise. Tonight we had supper together and both agreed that we were glad to be doing that again. We eat together every night now and I really appreciate that she rearranged her life so that I don't have to eat alone.

You know, I really am blessed and I really am lucky. I am grieving and I am sad, but I am so loved and all of you just let me talk and cry and be me. Thank you for being so kind to me. I do not feel alone ever and I am grateful for that. Of course, I do feel the Holy Spirit at all times, but having tangible people who talk to me and pray for me is really wonderful. I love you all. Thank you for being you. Love, Sue

To Claim Eternal Peace

I had trouble signing into the blog today and panicked a little because I was afraid that I had lost the blog somehow. That would have made me even more sad than I already am.

I started reading the sympathy cards last week - probably the day after my last blog. I think writing this to all of you gives me courage to do some of the hard stuff. I did so want to thank people who remembered Bill with a memorial and I didn't want to wait forever to do that. Of course, I received much more in the reading of the cards and the lovely, moving messages of love and hope than I gave in thanking people for their memorials. I also learned something about Card quotes. I am curious now about who writes Christian cards and how they select appropriate Bible quotes. I read those quotes and they mean something to me. In a way I hope that even unbelievers are writing the cards so that God can work in their brains and their hearts.

But, the verse from II Corinthians 1:5 spoke to me and on the card it read: "...Through Christ our comfort overflows..." I always look up the verse because often what is before or after has even more meaning. So - I mistakenly looked up I Corinthians 1:5 (the wrong book totally) and read: "For in him you have been enriched in every way -- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge--" I decided that whoever wrote the quote on the Sympathy card "forced" the meaning of I Corinthians 1:5 into "comfort". Then I realized my mistake. But, I decided that God was speaking to me - that I am enriched. I have the knowledge of Jesus and God's grace and gift of salvation. I am firm in my conviction that Bill is resting with Jesus and that I will join both of them and all of the saints when it is my turn. How often have we stood in line waiting to get into something that we want to go to - sometimes not sure if there will be a seat when we get there. I am standing in line and my place is assured. Isn't the Bible wonderful - even when we read the "wrong" verse, it is the right verse.

So the other "right" verse also spoke to me and where I am feeling right now. It actually starts with verse 3: II Corinthians 1:3-6:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (5) For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." It actually goes on to talk about sharing in the suffering and comfort.

I think that I am passing out of the "shock" phase of my horrible tragedy and I am entering the overwhelming, at all times, sad phase. I just plain miss the dear man. I am also putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I am starting to think about a future - like months from now. I reserved an airline ticket to go see my sister and her family and my daughter and son in law in Alaska for next July. Yep - going to go by myself. Of course, they will be on the other end to greet and love me. I have started to think about some other places that I want to go and I am thinking about taking my mother in law out East to see her brothers. She really doesn't enjoy traveling alone anymore. In fact, she doesn't enjoy traveling by air, but I think the desire to see her brothers will overrule her concerns about traveling.

I also bought the first Christmas present for one of my loved ones this week. Yes, Christ was born at Christmas. Without the birth and the birthday party there isn't any salvation. So - yes there will be Christmas of a sorts at the Clements house this year. Well - there will be lots of tears too. Oh gosh - I cry every time I write this blog. Sometimes I just wish that God would bring me home too, but we just don't get that choice. I don't like to be this sad.

My mother in law said it very well - She told her brother that she and I put on a good front, but the days are hard. I can even put on a good front for myself for short spurts, but then I realize that I am alone and I cry. I am so grateful for my friends and family. Your cards, emails, phone calls, and even voice mails are keeping me going. It feels so good to know that you think of me and that you think of mom too.

So - God is our God of compassion and comfort. I cling to His gentle arms and I do find comfort. I miss Bill and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I praise God that I know where Bill is and I know that he has claimed eternal peace. I love you all. Sorry this wasn't so upbeat today - please keep me in your prayers. Love, Sue

The question is Why, The Answer is unknown

Everyday I ask myself why this happened to me. I admit that I am selfish - poor Bill died. He gets no more dreams, no more time to enjoy everything that he wanted. But, Bill got to go to Jesus and I get to stay on earth, but I feel so sad. I lost my best friend, my lover, the person who really thought I was pretty neat. I feel God's presence and love, but truly, I want Bill. I really am selfish. We all long to be with Jesus and here I am wishing that Bill would be back on earth where his eyes would be dry again and he would have aching knees and elbows. So, it feels fine to whine a little, but I do try to not let myself get too weird. I keep having to tell myself that Bill is gone. I guess that is denial - I just keep hoping that he will come back. And, of course, I know that he won't. We won't be together on earth, but we will spend eternity with Jesus and that does make me feel good.

I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.

This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.

So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.

This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.

I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue

One day shy of one month

Luke 23:43: Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." I opened up the Bible to where Bill and I were reading at the end of his life on earth and this is the verse that I read. Jesus speaks so clearly from the cross. He tells us that he is telling the truth, not a theory, not an idea, not even a hope - it is the truth. The criminal joined him that day in paradise. Bill lives with Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you for giving my sweet husband eternal life and for giving me the truth - I too will join you and Bill and all the saints when my life on earth ends.

In the meantime I keep walking this new grief and yucky life path. I do have one funny story though. Two weeks ago a good friend came to spend the weekend and when I tried to grill him some salmon my grill wouldn't work. David looked it over and told me that the grill had truly died. We knew that it was old, and Bill and I had actually talked about replacing it. We even knew which grill we would get because our other friends (another) David and Jeanne have a grill like this and it is a great small grill. So when my sister Kris visited this weekend we went to Home Depot, bought the grill and us two ladies worked, and read instructions, and drank wine, and 4 hours later we put that grill together. At about half way through Kris asked me if men really enjoyed doing this kind of thing. Beats me. We also took the instructions literally - the instructions said to tighten the screws by hand so we didn't use a screw driver. When we were done the grill was kind of wobbly and then it occurred to both of us at the same time that we could use a screw driver "by hand", not the really great battery powered screw driver that Bill had. We laughed so hard that we had to sit down. We went back through, tightened all of the screws with a real live screw driver and got rid of the wobbles. Then, because it is a gas grill and I didn't really trust that I had been successful I made my sister go inside the house, got out my fire extinguisher (like that would help if the gas tank blew up) and started the ignition. IT WORKED! I made steak and baked potato for my mother in law the next night and I didn't blow up the house. My sister and I did use two screws incorrectly, but we were persistent and found out where we put them and by golly, we fixed it.

I am sure that Bill is with Jesus and enjoying being in relationship with God. I am just as sure that he laughed and laughed and was also very proud of me for buying and assembling a gas grill and for not blowing up our home. So, dear friends, I am having some good moments.

Tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of Bill's acceptance into the heavenly host. I miss him so very much. I love him and I want him back. I think of him constantly and I am reminded of him in everything that I do. I keep busy at all times so that I won't have to think and frankly I am tired. I plan to slow down. I may cry more, but I cannot wish him alive and wear myself out.

I also realize that I don't want to let things change. The weather is turning colder and I am refusing to turn the furnace on. It was summer when Bill was alive and I don't want to change anything that was happening when he was alive. However, God is in charge of the weather and it is getting colder. I did take out my winter clothes and today I forced myself to wear one of my winter outfits. I will turn the furnace on this week. I do have to go on. Bill is gone and summer is over. I also put my coat on. It is in the little things that I am reminded of Bill and that I realize that I struggle so much. Well, I guess that is normal. Whoopee - I am normal. I am glad that God is helping me go on by making sure that life remains normal - the weather changes and I have to take out my winter clothes.

So, I think I'll stop here. I again am in awe of God - Jesus told us the truth - we will be with Him in paradise. It really helps me to write this blog and when some of you respond I get to feel your love and support. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers and love. Let us all say a prayer of thanks that God gave us Jesus and that Bill rests in Jesus' loving arms. Love, Sue

Kristn is visiting

Good Evening lovely friends and family,

Today my sister Kristin and I went and received Bill's remains. I am so grateful to God that she is in town this week and could come with me to receive him. His soul is gone. He lives with God. Oh what a sweet thought that is - to live with Jesus. Still, it was hard to carry him home. I haven't picked a spot for his rest here on earth. I don't think I will pick a final spot for the two of us until I know which house I will be living in for the long term. Have you had occasion to think about visiting your loved ones and whether you would or not? Kris and I talked about our parents, both of whom we loved dearly. I have visited their graves and in the early years after their death I visited once or twice a year and enjoyed it. My parents both loved flowers and I would take daffodils in the spring and roses in the summer. I haven't visited them for at least 3 years because it is an hour and a half drive and not close to anything. I know they are with God and I find more comfort just talking with them and thinking about them then going to the cemetery. But, I do think that I would like to visit Bill. He also loved flowers and plants and I would like to take him some of my roses in the summer and tulips in the spring, and he really loved dahlias for late summer. So - pray that God will show me a place for he and I to rest ourselves on earth - our souls will rest for all eternity with the Great I am and I long for that day. So, we sat in this pretty cemetery where Bill was cremated and I cried for my loss. Bill has the final victory over death - eternity with God. I feel so alone and I miss him. I miss his laugh and his teasing. Well, I miss lots of things about him. Okay - here comes the joke - you all know that he was perfect and we will have to make him a saint. (get it - Bill wasn't really perfect)

Well - I thought that was a joke, but actually I had to take a break. My sister was laughing very hard and I wondered what was so funny. Then I smelled something burning & ran downstairs. She had put some popcorn in the microwave and it was burned to a crisp. She said that it was still popping, but black is really truly black. She was laughing so hard that she couldn't hardly stand up. My microwave was open, the garbage can was out and she was trying to open my kitchen window. Sooooo- I opened all the windows, turned on the fan, laughed at my sister until I could hardly stand up and tonight turned out to be a good night. I did make her more popcorn, but I made it - I don't trust her anymore.

So - Bill is gone. Life keeps happening. I am so lucky that my sister is with me and that we had a fun adventure tonight. Bill is laughing in heaven. So sweet friends, laugh with me and Bill tonight. I miss him. I love him. He would have loved to tease Kris and he would tell us all to laugh. I love you all. So many of you have given and given and given of your time, your love, and your prayers. Thank you and please keep praying. No Bible verse tonight. I guess it is time to start looking for the fun Bible verses. Love, Sue

I have thought about all of you so much and time just seems to race by.

I returned to work last week. Work is helpful. It distracts me; it fills up time, and it keeps me out of this house. I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy and co-workers who are kind and funny and understanding. I am now working 80% time so I work every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and every other weekend. That is also a good thing. I make a little more money and I am gone more. It does change my ability to get things done at home, but right now I am not very concerned about how the home is doing. Thank goodness Bill kept it up so well.

I am writing partly because I got a wonderful piece of news this weekend. Our dear friends, Fred and Mary are grandparents for the first time. They have a grandson, Austin. I am excited for them, and I admit that I think about this wonderful little child of God coming into the world as my wonderful man joins Jesus. Doesn't God have a wonderful plan? There is so much joy around the birth of a child. In fact there is so much joy that I felt a leap of joy when I read that a new baby was born! God showed me that I can still feel joy! That was a beautiful gift and this lovely little boy gave it to me just because he is born. I hope that everyone who reads this will pray for Austin, that he will grow in his love for God, and will laugh a lot in this funny world that is ours.

Last Thursday was my first day alone in the house. It was not a good day. At first I tried to work out a way to feel better, but soon decided that I needed a sad day and that I was going to feel all of the sadness and lonliness that I feel because Bill is gone. Friends called and that helped so much. I told a friend today that I am going to make a list of friends that I can call when I am sad because when I feel sad like that I cannot think clearly and it doesn't occur to me to call and tell someone that I am sad. I know that lots of us are sad. I slept well Thursday night and Friday was a better day - my second day alone, but I accomplished some things and it felt good.

I don't read Revelation very often, but I read this the other day and it fit: "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." Revelations 21:4. God is certainly with me at all times because I wipe away a lot of tears.

So, I have to go to work tomorrow - Praise God and so I need to go to bed tonight. I will not wait so long to write again. I am starting to feel Bill's presence, the strength of his love reaches down from above and I feel him comforting me and pushing me toward the next task and the next time of rest. I thank God for him and I really thank God for all of you who call, think about me, love me, and care about and for me. A child was born this weekend. He is God's child and he is loved. Life has promise and for tonight that is good enough for me. I love you all. Sue

Sequim

Today is Friday and I am writing from our home in Sequim. Amanda, mom and I came out on Wednesday. I was naive and thought that it would be no harder than existing in Mercer Island. Boy was I wrong. It is very hard to be in this home without Bill. This was our home where we came to retreat, to relax, and to love each other even more. This is our home where we dreamed about a future where we would be together 24 hours a day. Well, God had a different plan. I almost got back into the car and left when I first walked in, but I didn’t and I will make it. I mowed the lawn yesterday (always my job when we were out here), and trimmed some trees that were growing into my view. I will make it. We have enjoyed our beautiful sun room, my Diamond Point friends have called and come and loved me. Amanda and mom have been a tremendous help and we have started new “traditions”. I guess that is what I will need to do.

So, I should say that most of the family left on Monday. I would never have made it without the support of my family and friends. My sister Kristin kept the house tidy, meals served, and all of us on schedule. She alternated between giving me so much love and telling me what I needed to hear to keep going. I will be grateful to her forever and the best part is that I know that she is there for me when I need it in the future. She has a business trip every September and will be staying with me a few days in just a few weeks. I am really looking forward to that. My cousin Donel came with her son Adam and what Kris didn’t do Donel did. I probably shouldn’t talk about people personally because I can’t mention all of the lovely little things that everyone who was here did for me. So if I don’t mention you I do know how wonderful you were to me. I will say that Bill’s friend Jim gave me some wonderful advise about taking care of mom and I will be following up on that. Karl had to leave us on Tuesday to get back to Arizona. He has dropped all of his classes for the semester. I can’t say that I blame him. Concentrating would be tough after the September that we have had. He plans to look for a job.

On Tuesday afternoon Ron drove Amanda, me and mom to Woodinville and we went wine tasting. We tried 5 wineries and had some good wine and some so so wine. Mom only drinks white wine, but she bought the most wine. Ron and Amanda bought a great bottle to drink at Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful sunny day and although I won’t say it was fun I will say that there were fun moments, and I enjoyed celebrating with Amanda on her 30th birthday. I don’t know how I got old enough to have a 30 year old daughter. On Tuesday night some of Amanda’s friends joined us for dinner at a Mexican restaurant at Alkai Beach in West Seattle. It was very good and festive. Happy Birthday Amanda.

I am returning to work on Monday. It is definitely time to do that. Part of me thinks that if I do nothing Bill will show up, but of course I know that won’t happen. So, I will go to work and come home without him for the first time. Amanda, bless her heart, is staying Monday to be home with mom on my first day back at work and to be there when I come home. I will take her to the airport on Tuesday for a 6:00 am flight home and then mom and I and our dog Kai will be on our own.

I feel God’s presence and I fleetingly feel Bill with me. I talk to Bill and I pray a lot. I have walked Kai on all of our favorite walks. I don’t have a Bible verse, but I do find comfort in the Bible. Pray for me dear friends and family. This is so very hard. If I didn’t have to do this I sure wouldn’t, but my sweet William is gone and I will be going on. I love you all and am so grateful that all of you have been so wonderful to me. Thank you all, again. Love, Sue

WOW - what a celebration

Yesterday we celebrated Bill's life and lifted our voice with joy that he is with Jesus. I cried, mom cried, my sister cried when the soloist sang "How Great Thou Art", our mother's favorite hymn. But, we told funny stories, stories about Bill's love of jokes, and stunts, and parties. Amanda and Ron put together a video show of all the pictures of Bill through the years. That man was willing to do almost anything for a laugh. His friend prayed about Bill fishing, poor Bill fished so much and caught so few salmon and he loved to do that. But, I know that Bill fished for people and I think he caught some for God. Praise God for the life of my sweet husband.

Today we are having a surprise birthday party for Amanda. She will be 30 on Tuesday. The "boys" made homemade spaghetti sauce and salad and bread and we all bought "silly" gifts. Bill would love to be at his "baby girl's birthday." So, life begins again. I love him so much and I miss him every moment. I will confess that I didn't read my Bible as often I should have. But I now plan to turn to God and His Word to provide me with comfort and strength. I love you all! Sue

How do I talk about life after Bill? I guess that to be truthful I have laughed, and enjoyed myself, and I have cried and wailed and I have been crabby and mean because I just don't want to deal with everything that is going on.

When people visit I tell funny stories about Bill and hear their funny stories about Bill. He had a great sense of humor, wasn't afraid to be the butt of a joke, and loved the absurd. He loved to be around others, always wanted to have people over, have Happy Hour with friends, go try new things and see new things. I have talked about my pathetic attempts at nursing. Did you know that the human head is very heavy? Someone said that it weighs like a bowling ball. Bill always wanted the ice pack under his head, but lifting his head, fluffing the pillow, and slipping the ice pack under his head required more coordination than I have. I would talk to him and explain what I was doing so that he would be prepared for clumsy Sue. I laughed at myself and before he got too sick Bill would smile at me too. Thank goodness that Bill loved so many of you so that you are able to provide me with fun and loving stories about Bill.

I find it very hard to concentrate and start to do something and then my mind goes blank and I go do something else. I did do the obituary today. It will be in the Seattle Times on Friday. I found Bill's Resume' so it was easier to write. I left stuff out - I know that, but it is very expensive and Bill would want me to send the money to missions, not spend it on glorifying him. So - it is what it is.

Amanda and my sister Kristin are here. They are keeping me sane, picking up the house, and helping me make decisions. I snapped at both of them a few times today. That has to stop. I can be angry, but I don't want to snap at my two loving helpers. I have been able to get to sleep at a decent time every night, but wake up early. This morning I woke up at 3:00 am. Unfortunately I immediately am aware that I am alone in my big bed and then start "thinking" and missing Bill. So, I got up and messed around until Amanda and Kris got up. Tonight I am going to take a sleeping aide and try to get a good night's rest. I really don't want to be crabby.

Tomorrow we will finalize the service and Karl arrives. I will have to get through another day. I was going to do laundry today, but fortunately Kris took over. At least I'll have clean undies for the Memorial. No - don't ask me about them!!

So, God is good. He constantly reminds me that Bill was very ill, felt horrible, and was ready to join the Heavenly Chorus. I see His glory in Bill's beautiful flowers, and enjoy our dog's adoration while I walk her. I know that God has a good plan for me. I plan to practice patience so I can rest in Jesus' arms and wait for my future. Going through grief is no fun. Well - I guess that is a little bit of a lie, because there is always fun. My sister loves baseball and the Mariners were playing today and leaving for the weekend. So, we all went to the game, ate ball park food, danced to the crazy music, clapped, laughed, and cheered when they won. So - pray for me, love me, and kick me in the but when I need it. I love you all. Sue

Oops -Bible passage -Bill told me to include the passage about the road to Emmaus in his Memorial: Luke 24:13-33. Two of the disciples were on the road to Emmaus. They meet Jesus, don't recognize him, and tell him how sad they are that Jesus was crucified and that the tomb is empty. They invite Jesus to supper: 30: When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized hm, and he disappeared from their sight. They asked each other, "were not our heart burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?" When you meet Jesus on the road to Emmaus, open your arms and embrace Him. Bill recognized Jesus and went with joy. I hope that I recognize Jesus. Love, Sue

Memorial address

Sorry folks, The Memorial is at Redeemer Lutheran Church, 6001 Island Crest Way, Mercer Island, WA 98040, 206-232-1711. The Memorial will start at 11:00. We are about 20 minutes from downtown Seattle.

Directions: Take I-90 East or West and take the Island Crest Way Exit
Go South about 2 miles.
Redeemer is on the Right and there is sign in front of the church.
There is parking in the back of the church and there will be people to help you park.

Much love to all. Sue

Jesus Calls

What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry Everything to God on prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit; Oh, what needless pain we bear ---
All because we do not carry Everything to God in prayer.

Text: Joseph Scriven
Tune Charles Converse

Bill told me that this is one of the hymns that he wants sung at his Memorial.

On Sunday, August 30 at 3:15 pm Jesus took Bill in his arms and gave him eternal rest. The last two days of Bill's life were peaceful. Well, except that he had to put up with Nurse Sue fumbling around to keep him clean and shaved. I was in the bedroom with him talking while straightening things and he stopped breathing. It was over. In the morning I had sat with him and had told him that I could feel the angels sitting on the bedposts watching and guarding him. I love the angels. Bill mostly kept his focus in life on Jesus and his relationship with God.

Just a few minutes after Bill died two friends from church came. Boy, God knows how to take care of me. They took over and took care of me. I told mom and called Amanda and Karl. That was really all that I was capable of doing. The funeral home came and they were wonderful with Bill. They gave mom and I all of the time that we needed. One of our church family started singing hymns and we sang Bill out of the house. He used to sing to shut ins and people who where close to death. Bill loved to sing and he loved to sing God's praise.

We are having a Memorial for Bill on Saturday September 5 at 11:00. We will have a light lunch for everyone following the service. Bill wanted the members of Redeemer to do the Memorial so we will. Our family is coming in from all over, bless their hearts, and I am surrounded by love.

I have to say that I feel like I am walking through the darkest night without my compass. I feel God's presence and I feel Jesus walking and holding my hand. I wanted Bill to walk the rest of my life with me, but I am not going to get what I want. Please pray for me, that I can face my future and regain my life is joyful outlook. I will probably post a few more blogs at least. I have heard that this has been a good thing for lots of the readers. Frankly, this has been part of my salvation. I feel like I am close to all of you and that I am personally talking with you. I love all of you and thank you with my broken heart for your love, care, kindness, and prayers. Love, Sue

PS - I read this and realize that I didn't put in some details, so I will add more later. For now, I need to stop. I am crying too hard. If there is something you want at Bill's Memorial, or if you are going to be there and want to say something please let me know. We are just going to have fun and love Bill and PRAISE GOD FOR ALL OF HIS BLESSINGS AND FOR TAKING CARE OF MY SWEET WILLIAM.

Bill sleeps

It seems that this cancer goes faster than I can keep up with. Yesterday I told myself that Bill was sleeping a lot and that maybe he didn't need so much medication. I sure didn't get the right education to practice medicine, but I rearranged his medication and waited to see how he did. Our family doctor called, a lovely Christian man who has been Bill's doctor for 17 years. He has been out of town, but listened to my concerns and agreed that it would be fine to see what amount of medication Bill needs by waiting to see how Bill reacts without the regular dose. He also asked for the privilege to be Bill's Hospice Doctor. Bill would like knowing that kind and steady Dr. McFarland is in charge during this time. He told me that Bill's liver might not be processing things well and that would mean that Bill might be more sleepy and also that the medication can build up in the body and Bill may not need as much. Bill got very restless after dinner and I gave him some medicine, both for the restlessness and for pain. He slept well through the night.

Then this morning it truly hit me that Bill isn't talking with me any longer and wasn't yesterday. I don't know exactly what is happening, but I don't think that he is sleeping. I think that he isn't really awake at all. I probably am not saying this well, but I fear that Jesus is very close.

This morning I shaved Bill (first time) and gave him a bed bath. It probably is a good thing that Bill is not focused on me or what is going on, because I am not very expert at this bath stuff. Still, he is clean and I felt so privileged and good about caring for him. I have had visitors today, some colleagues who brought flowers and goodies and our friend Jeanne Fraumeni. Bill and I traveled with Dave and Jeanne. It was nice to hear that my coworkers and boss are thinking about me. People are all so kind and if love alone could banish this Cancer it would be gone.

It has been a day of crying a lot for me - I feel like I am losing so much and I don't want to. The days is full of sunshine, but my heart is darker than night. I sit on our bed and listen to Bill breathe. It is labored and sometimes he doesn't breathe for a few seconds. I can feel God's Holy angels holding him in their arms. This is all so hard. This morning I watched the funeral mass for Ted Kennedy. Wasn't it wonderful to have such a wonderful testament to God's grace on national TV? I also liked hearing President Obama speaking about God's mercy and preparing a place for all of us in Heaven. I really like that our president is a strong Christian man.

I know this all a bit disjointed, but both mom (Bill's mom) and I are noticing that our thinking is more disjointed and that we go off on tangents. This being strong stuff stinks.

So, I read Luke to Bill even though I don't know if he hears me. This would be my prayer today:
It is from when Jesus prays just before being arrested. Jesus knows that he is close to the cross and a horrible death. Jesus has lived everything that each of us lives and has conquered it all for us. Jesus prays to his Father:

Luke 22: 42: "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." I keep praying that God will release Bill from this Cancer and release me from a lifetime without this wonderful man that I love. I do not want to drink of this Cup of sorrow. But, God is in charge and I will bend my will to His and care from my husband while he waits - either for healing or release from this earth full of sorrow. Today is a sad and rough day for me. Tomorrow is Sunday, a day of rest and celebration for all the good things God has brought us. Let us all think of 5 blessings that God has given us as we worship tomorrow. I know that my first blessing will be that I believe and will have eternal life. My second blessing will be that God gave me Bill. Love to you all. Sue

Today it is hiccups

If this whole mess weren't so tragic I almost think that I would laugh at our misadventure. Bill hasn't had a fever for a few days and that is great. We got one really good night's sleep - up only once and I hoped that we had turned a corner. Then last night Bill got the hiccups. Every time I would decide that I needed to get up and call the Hospice Nurse to find out what to do the hiccups would stop and we'd sleep for another hour or so. Then in the middle of that whole mess our electricity went out. I heard a big POP and then it was very dark. Fortunately Bill has kept a flashlight on his night stand for years so I was able to get it and we went on with our night of hiccups. I even went to one of our "Health" books and that said to give his half a teaspoon of sugar. I am usually the one who gets hiccups and Bill is always telling me new ways to get rid of them, but in the deepest dark with our little pen light I couldn't think of any.

I did call the Hospice Nurse and bless her heart she had a folk remedy too. You put a table knife in a glass of water, let the knife touch your forehead and drink some of the water. We tried it, but it didn't work so now we will add another pill - this one for hiccups. Bill is starting to have problems swallowing pills so I crush them up and put them in yogurt for him to swallow. Then he gets a little something to eat too. I'm going to make some chocolate pudding later this afternoon for the pills. Bill loves chocolate pudding. Well, actually he loves my chocolate pie, but I'll just make pudding for today.

Oh yes - we got our electricity back at about 9:30. I was late getting my morning coffee and those of you who see me in the morning know that I am not worth much until coffee. I saw our neighbor leave his house earlier than usual today & I thought that he was going to work early because of the lack of electricity. Oh no, he went to Starbucks. Had I only known - I would have had him get me a big cup of coffee. But, we are back on the grid and into another day.

I should catch you up on our construction saga. I spoke to two real people about the early morning noise and yesterday nothing started until 8:00. I was so grateful! Today, they waited until 7:20. Bill slept through it though so I am not going to complain. They did tell me that the work close to our house should be done on Friday. Life does go on. It is only Bill and I who are in our own little cocoon of care.

Today the personal care aide taught me how to shave Bill. Poor guy - I am not going to win any barber contests. We have heard from several of you who knew Bill when he had a beard and he was growing a pretty good one now, but I think he will be happier clean shaven. Bill is sleeping more and more, doesn't leave bed often anymore. He isn't seeing people, it is just too exhausting. I also learned how to change the sheets with someone in the bed.

Bill does talk to God often, just out loud. I think he feels God's presence close by. He asks for help when his chest hurts and he talks about wanting this to be over. Of course, that breaks my heart, but I have to say that it is terribly hard seeing my sweet William in such distress. I'll end with my "card" Bible verse - as usual just the right verse arrived while we were going through all of this: John 14:18: I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. We know that Jesus is here beside us, and that does bring comfort. A miracle would be nice though. Much love to all of you. I do tell Bill about things that people say and write. I love to talk with him. Love, Sue

James 5:7: Be patient, then brothers, until the Lord's coming.

James 5: 11: God cares, cares right down to the last detail.

Today was a busy day and a day when Bill talked about God and his desire for Jesus to support him and to take him home. Today he said to me that he trusts that God will get him from point 1 to point 2. He also asks Jesus to have compassion and help with the pain. Today his back hurt a lot. Yesterday I had a long conversation with the Hospice nurse and she increased Bill's Oxycontin, the long term pain medication. She said that Bill will be a little sleepy while his body gets used to a higher dose, but she was concerned that we had to use so much Oxycodone, called a break through pain medication. Bill shouldn't have much break through pain. So I started the dose and Bill's pain is much better, but he is sleeping almost all of the time. We did have another night where we were up several hours, but he didn't run a fever. The nurse also had me start to give Bill Tylenol on a schedule instead of just when the temperature starts. I keep saying that the nurse did this and that, but I should say that she works within the parameters that the doctor has set for pain management. Hospice has been very helpful.

Bill also got oxygen today so that it is here when he needs it. Right now he doesn't need it, but Hospice doesn't want him to be without if he needs it in the middle of the night. I also met with the Hospice Social Worker - a nice lady. The health aide also came and gave Bill a bed bath. Now I know how to do this and can keep him cleaner. He just is too tired to get to the shower.

So today I yelled at the city of Mercer Island. We are having construction at our intersection and they want to get it done before school starts. It is supposed to make the street safer for the kids to get to school. The only problem is that the big machinery starts at 7:00 am. At first I thought that they were working long days to get finished, but yesterday I noticed that they are all done at 3:00 pm. So, today I called the city Manager and the Maintenance Department and asked that they work from 8-4, instead of 7-3. When you have been awake most of the night having big machinery go beep beep beep as it backs up and dump loads of gravel in front of your house at 7:00 isn't very fun. I doubt I accomplished anything, but I felt better trying to get an extra hour of sleep for Bill in the morning. I am woman, hear me roar when my husband's comfort is at stake. I did actually talk to our City Manager so I guess that I can't say that government doesn't respond.

Oh, I forgot to say that Bill started eating food yesterday and he no longer needs to use "Magic Mouthwash" to swallow. So, I guess his esophagus is healed from the radiation. He eats yogurt, soup, jello, custard, and that kind of stuff. He is enjoying apple juice and iced green tea. He eats very little, but at least he gets to enjoy some food instead of just liquids. I wish I could say that he is stronger, but he isn't. He doesn't even talk to me very much. He did tell me that I take good care of him. It is my privilege and joy to care for this most wonderful man who is struggling so hard to have even a little quality time every day.

I'll end with a Bible verse that I know is familiar to many of you. In our church we often end church with this blessing. It is from Numbers, the account of the Jews wandering in the desert for 38 years. This is blessing that God gave to Moses to give to the Israelites:

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make His face shine on you
and be gracious to you.

Bill and I can feel God in our bedroom. We can feel His face shining on us. We pray that God will continue to bless us with his Grace. Our love goes out to you. Sue

Another Sunday, another day of worship and joy that God loves us so much that He gave us Jesus to win eternal salvation for us.

Bill and I are having a quiet day. On Friday night God granted us a night of sleep. Praise God! We were up a few times, but Bill didn't have the four hour fever in the middle of the night. We both felt rested and that means a lot these days. Bill ate yogurt for breakfast and custard for lunch and that also was a good thing. Boost gives you nutrition, but Bill has always enjoyed good food and I feel better knowing that he is enjoying his meals a little more. He also ate some ice cream in the afternoon. Unfortunately the beastly fever came upon him in the evening so we had a rough Saturday evening, and then he got the four hour beast again at about 3:00 this morning so we didn't get a full night's rest. Bill has been sleeping since about 10:00 and I hope that he feels rested enough to take a shower later today. He is still very weak, doesn't go downstairs at all, and stays in bed.

I so enjoy your emails and comments. Your prayers, your thoughts, the hymns and songs that you quote, and the Bible passages feel my heart with hope and with comfort. Bill prayed that Jesus would give him the energy to get through all of the struggles that today may bring. Please add that to your prayers.

Karl starts school tomorrow. It is still pretty hot in Phoenix so I imagine that sitting in the air conditioned classrooms might feel pretty good. Amanda is still working weekends for Princess Cruise lines and I think actually works through mid September. So, Amanda is basically working 7 days a week. She and Ron bought an upright freezer the other day so she says the job is worth it. Those two are real go getters.

I really haven't talked much about how I take care of myself. I ride my exercise bike for 30 minutes every morning. I go about 11.5 miles on "Random" hill rides. Then I walk the dog (lovely Kai) to dry off my sweaty body. The physical activity feels good. I have become an organization nut and several drawers in my house are all organized and I have discovered some "stuff" I didn't know I still had. Mostly though I sit with my sweet William and enjoy our time together. Love to all of you and please continue to pray for a miracle. Love, Sue

Gosh, The whole week went by and I hardly noticed it. Thank you all for your tremendous support and love. Bill and I both have felt your love, concern, and care.

Bill and I continue to read Luke. On Tuesday I read a verse and he told me that I need to put that in the blog. I love that Bill is thinking of all of you and wants you to know what he is thinking to.

So our Bible thought for the day is Luke 10:20: However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. God sure does know how to make us believers feel better. My name is written with Bill's name and so many of your names. WOW.

We are currently at Luke 16:16 - called "Additional teachings" in Bill's NIV Bible.

So, an update on our physical life in this world. Bill continues to stay in bed, is still pretty weak, and still has a lot of discomfort when trying to eat. This worries him so much that he limits himself to Boost or Ensure. As we all know, he is not going to gain any strength on that kind of a diet so today I am going to be more pushy about eating. We really have to get some help for the fevers that he runs at night. We are both up for 3 to 4 hours because he gets these fevers, he needs ice packs, he needs Tylenol, he needs water, he gets anxious, and of course everything aches. I rub his back, try all kinds of pillow arrangements, and generally hold him and tell him I love him. We see the nurse today and I plan to get a better plan of attack to keep these under control. We both need a night's sleep.

I had a long talk with our pulmunologist, Dr. Gorten. He plans to talk about Bill today at tumor board and will then let me know what the consensus is from all three doctors treating Bill about whether Bill's suffering is more from the treatment or the cancer. In the meantime the Hospice people have started and they are all really great. I know that I want Bill to live so I want this pain and suffering to be from treatment because that means that Bill could rally. But, I have placed Bill in God's hands and I will take this walk with Bill and Jesus. I will also encourage Bill to do things that may help him get stronger.

In the meantime Bill's ministry continues. I got a call from someone yesterday that he and a group of people had purchased boxes of Bibles for the jail ministry and they will have some High School students mark them as Bill has taught many of you to mark Bibles so people seeking faith and understanding about Jesus can start with the highlights of our remarkable God. Otherwise people just start with Genesis and get bogged down with the lists of names and soon stop reading and learning. Bill didn't invent this system, but has had women's groups, students, and just plain folks marking Bibles for years so that when the jail Chaplains give a Bible it comes with a road map to salvation. Those boxes will soon be ready for distribution to the King County Jail. Bill smiled when I told him that. Getting Bibles to prisoners was a big part of his ministry.

I did spend some time in my garden yesterday, trimming old roses and picking off dead pansies. I do love to grub in the garden and our roses are particularly beautiful with their third bloom on the season. The good news about being off of work is that I have tended the garden a little better than some other summers. I had an eye doctor appointment yesterday. I was almost out of contact lenses so I had to go. A good friend, a nurse, sat with Bill. This was a good thing because I get a different perspective on how he is doing. She told me some strengths that she saw in him (like being able to sit up by himself and hold himself up) and that felt good. Oh, and my eyes are in great shape, only a very small change to the prescription.

While Amanda and Ron were here we had a local photographer come to our home and had some pictures taken. We have a family membership and they offered a "Deal." Those of you who know me know that I am such a "Bargain Betty" that I would only go for a deal. I am so glad that we did this and today the photographer is coming so that I can order pictures. We didn't get a family picture because Karl had already returned to Arizona, but I hope that we can get group pictures with him at another time. I admit that I ordered a picture of Bill and I kissing each other. Yes folks, we kissed each other right out on our front lawn in front of God and the photographer. Yes, we did it in front of our children. Ron and Amanda wouldn't kiss for the photographer. So, I guess love does get better and better as the years pass. Okay - that was my attempt at humor. I haven't laughed much this week, but both Bill and I know that we need to do that to.

The only other tidbit for today is that we are having construction done on the corner and street that we live on and we are the second house from the corner. Yesterday the big machines kept beeping as they backed up over and over. Bill asked what the heck was going on and I reminded him about the construction. He said, "I really know how to pick a time to get sick. I get to put up with everything." It is 7:20 in the morning and the big machines are revving up for the day and beep beep beeping along. Oh boy - another day.

I'll end with one of the Bible verses sent in a card this week:
Romans 12:12: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

We pray with hope for a miracle and more time together with minimal suffering. We struggle to be patient with affliction, but Jesus is there with us as we try to find ways to accept this. We hope that all of you will be faithful in praying for Bill - for healing if it is God's will, and for help with this suffering. I would appreciate prayers for humor, patience with the professional team (Just make him better for Pete's sake!), and an appreciation of how wonderful my sweet William is. Much love to you all, Sue

I really don't know how to write today's blog. My heart is so heavy and I don't have good news.

We saw the oncologist Dr. West yesterday because Bill was even more tired, in more discomfort (chest pain and back pain), and had 3 nights of fevers for 3-4 hours. Dr. West told us that Bill's 3 doctors don't believe that the treatment for this cancer have been working and they don't think that anything that they have to offer will significantly stop the cancer and prolong Bill's life with any sense of dignity and more importantly, comfort. The doctors recommended taking a rest from all treatment and getting help from Hospice.

Bill was very quiet while Dr. West talked with us. He asked him how long, and of course there is no good answer for that. Dr. West told us that it could be as short as weeks and that perhaps as the side effects of the radiation diminish Bill would regain a small amount of strength and be able to eat more comfortably and in that case it could be months. Bill asked Dr. West what he can expect and Dr. West told us that Bill will just get weaker, will sleep more, lose his appetite and eventually just fall asleep. There will probably be some discomfort - pain in the chest and back and Hospice will help us with that. Dr. West also said that the tumor effects people differently so he really can't tell us exactly when or what will happen.

Bill told me later, while waiting for the nurse to tell us that Hospice has been arranged, that he has talked with God and told God that he is ready. I am not ready, but I know that I will never be ready. We both are still praying for a miracle, that Jesus would free Bill from this tumor. But, we are also both praying that God will provide small mercies and that Bill will not suffer and will join Jesus without a lot of pain.

I told both children last night and we have told them to both stay where they are and keep on with their lives. Karl starts school on Monday and Amanda is already in the new school year. We are both so grateful that they were able to come and spend time with Bill when he felt a little better. He enjoyed both of them so much.

I know that there is probably more to say. I just don't know how to say it right now. I have been reciting Psalm 23, and just read it from the Contemporary English version:

You Lord are my shepherd. I will never be in need. You let me rest in fields of green grass. You lead me to streams of peaceful water, and you refresh my life.

You are true to your name and you lead me along the right paths. I may walk through valleys as dark as death, but I won't be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd's rod makes me feel safe.

You treat me to a feast while my enemies watch. You honor me as your guest and you fill my cup until it overflows.

Your kindness and love will aways be with me each day of my life, and I will live forever in your house, Lord.

We are praying for God's kindness and hope that you will all pray with us. Much love, Sue

Hi all, Just a quick blog today. Bill saw Dr. Mehta, the radiology oncologist yesterday and the doctor told him that he is giving Bill a 4 day break from radiation so that the burn on his esophagus will calm down and hopefully Bill will be able to eat more. He won't get radiation until Tuesday. Right now Bill is only eating Ensure or Boost, nutritional drinks because even the softest foods are too painful to get down. Dr. Mehta told Bill that even though it feels like heart burn it really is that the esophagus is "sunburned." Even though it means that he will have to have radiation all of next week instead of just through Wednesday we are grateful for the break and hope that he can eat for a day or two. He still isn't eating today, but he added some applesauce with lunch so he is trying.

Please keep praying for small mercies - we want Bill to have some nutrition. Much love to you all.

"You have me in -- behind and and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Psalm 139:5

Good morning, I guess that it is time to update Bill's blog. I have been praying on the verse in John 14:27: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. I think that the thought for the week is that Cancer is not for sissies or the faint of heart. This has been a difficult week for Bill.

Bill has radiation until August 19. He is feeling the full impact of radiation and is extremely weak and tired. His exercise is now walking the hallway, not going down the block. Sometimes he needs to use a wheelchair to get back to the car from a radiation treatment. I actually think that what feels worse for him is that he has heart burn that is increasingly painful. It started with pain when he eats and now he has heart burn almost all of the time. He has medicine that he swallows to coat his esophagus and stomach. It works for about 12 minutes, but it makes it harder for him to swallow so now he eats things like soup or ensure so that he can get as much nutrition down in a short period of time. He has another medicine to swallow in between meals to coat his stomach, but that doesn't seem to work well.

Yesterday the doctor prescribed Protonix to stop the stomach from producing acid. We ran into the typical insurance snafu that the insurance requires that Bill try a less expensive medicine, Omeprozole first and that the doctor or pharmacist call the insurance company before they would pay for anything. It interests me to watch TV with the current debate about health care. I think that the people who don't want the government to come between them and their doctor haven't been sick lately and don't realize that their private insurance plan already comes between them and their doctor. We normally don't pay much attention to this, but yesterday the pharmacist said the doctor had to call and then told me that it could take days for this to get resolved. My poor sweet husband needed that medicine before dinner yesterday so that he could eat so I got mad and called the insurance company. Yes, they do require all of the above, but they have a 24 hour call in line for either the pharmacist or doctor to call them. I called the pharmacist and told her that we would move our prescriptions to another pharmacy if she couldn't take the time to call the insurance and she did call so Bill got his medicines. I also called the doctor and his nurse called back right away. They had been working on it all afternoon. All of this calling back and forth and if one person in the call tree decides that they don't have time or that it costs them too much to call, then the patient doesn't get his medicine. I bet that I could have described this better, but the bottom line for me is that Bill got this new medicine, the cheaper one, not the one the doctor prescribed, and we hope that it works. If not, the doctor will call the insurance and they will let Bill have the originally prescribed medicine because he at least tried the cheaper medicine. Modern medicine!

Bill had a rough night, also unusual. He had been sleeping pretty well through the night, but last night he had heart burn pain, and his back was hurting from lying down so much. So fellow travelers on this painful journey please pray that the medicines to control the symptoms of the effects of radiation start working for Bill and that he can rest better and eat better. We want Jesus to heal this horrible tumor, but we also want Bill to have some comfort while he battles this horrible illness. We really need Jesus to rock us in His arms today. Please also pray that I find diplomatic ways to convince all of his care providers and his insurance people to work for his benefit. We need them to want to work for us and I want to save anger for the big fights. I know that I am absolutely furious with the Devil for visiting this tumor on my husband, but those in the battle to save him don't need to feel my wrath. Gosh, it felt good just to write this. Maybe this blog stuff is a good thing.

So, we read our Bible, what sweet words of comfort it brings to us. We are trying to figure out if I can go to work next week. I work three days next week, and they are Bill's last 3 days of radiation. I don't know if he can be alone during the day except for the times that someone takes him to radiation. We are working on some ideas, but I may just take the time that work has offered and stay home. So, I think I have rambled enough. Continue to pray and keep us in your positive thoughts. Much love to all who journey with us, Sue

Sunday - a day of rest

Well, I worked this weekend and Bill enjoyed a last weekend with Amanda and Ron. Those two worked their little hearts out. Ron painted a bedroom. Our blue bedrooms that our children picked many years ago are now a more neutral taupe. I hope I spelled that right. Then, the kids went out and bought us a webcam -we are on Skype. So if you are on Skype tell us your "handle" or name on sykype and then we can talk to you. The web cam is on about $25.00 and skype is free. I can't figure out why we haven't all hooked up so that we can look at each other while we talk to each other. Bill says that the techie kids are dragging us along.

Bill is getting more and more tired. He is definitely tired of staying in bed so much, but that is what he does. We need to remember to ask the doctor when he will start to get some energy back after radiation. The biggest problem is that the heart burn is really causing problems for eating. Fortunately we aren't blazing trails here and the doctors and pharmacists have helped people before us with this. A pharmacist has developed a concoction called "Magic Mouthwash." Bill swallows 2 tablespoons and it coats his esophagus and stomach and allows him to eat pain free for about 15 minutes. We get his plate ready to go and then he swallows his magic and eats his meal. He can use it 4 times a day so he gets 3 meals and a snack. He tried to eat a cookie tonight, but without this stuff eating just isn't fun. He is drinking a nutrition drink like Ensure or Boost every afternoon and fortunately they don't cause heart burn so at least he gets something.

Tonight we ate Amanda and Ron's wedding cake top. It has been in our freezer for a year. Yum yum. Actually it was pretty good, carrot cake. We took pictures and our dog hoped that Ron and Amanda would drop cake on the floor while they fed each other. It is hard to believe that it has been a year since the wedding. That was a truly lovely day.

Bill did attend church today and loves being with his church family. Redeemer really pulls together to proclaim God's love for all of us. This weekend I think that Jesus carried us on His shoulders. I'm glad that he is so strong and takes such good care of us. I'll leave you with this verse: It is a good thought: "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 Keep praying. We certainly are. Love, Sue

More Radiation in our future

We saw Dr. Mehta, the Radiology Oncologist today and he told Bill that Bill has been handling the radiation well so they are going to give him the full amount of radiation that was scheduled. So Bill will get a total of 25 sessions of radiation and his last session is August 19. Dr. Mehta said that they wouldn't see that the tumor has shrunk for 3 months and that the tumor could actually show shrinkage for up to a year. Wow. The tumor leave scar tissue and it takes a long time for the actual shrinkage to show up on a scan. Well - I guess that we will have to be patient.

For those of you who are local and read this we need drivers for radiation on Monday 8/17, Tuesday 8/18, and Wednesday 8/19. Bill's radiation appointment is at 1:00, at 1221 Madison, and parking is provided next door at no cost. Bill gets picked up at 12:15 and we are usually home by 2:00. I am scheduled to work on those days and would appreciate anyone who might have time to take him. Just call me at 206-236-6271 and I'll put you on the schedule. The other days are covered now.

We have enjoyed some visits from some pastors in the area and some mighty powerful prayer. Bill is very tired most of the time and is also having some heart burn from the radiation. He has never suffered from heart burn and is now looking into the over the counter "stuff" like lots of people do. The doctors told him that over the counter meds should work fine, and if not they have something that might help. His esophagus gets "sunburned" with the radiation so food goes down a little harder.

Our son in law Ron arrived very late last night and I made donuts for the crew this morning. He has helped me with some stuff on my computer - a son in law worth his weight in gold. He and Amanda are going to the Mariner's game tonight - hoping to get a bobble head doll of Ken Griffey, Jr. Ron played baseball into college and likes to go 2 hours early to watch batting practice so I am guessing that they will get that doll! Karl got back to Arizona safely and was going out to swim at the river with some friends today. He is back to the heat. We actually are still in cooler than normal weather, but are enjoying it because of the horrible heat that we had last week.

Bill's mom had a small vertigo attack last night and is better today, but will need to take it easy for a week or two. She had one about 2 months ago and we went to the doctor, but it is a function of age and brain and ears. The best medicine is actually some exercises that the Physical Therapist taught her so she is staying at home and getting better. We love her so.

Today I read John and found this verse to be helpful: John 14:18: I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

Bill and I feel the presence of Jesus in our home and our lives. We know that He is carrying us today and tomorrow. We certainly could not walk this walk by ourselves. Best of all He has sent angels by the legion to walk with us. We so appreciate all of you and all of our other friends and family who pray for us and with us and who love us. Thank you all.