Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One day shy of one month

Luke 23:43: Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." I opened up the Bible to where Bill and I were reading at the end of his life on earth and this is the verse that I read. Jesus speaks so clearly from the cross. He tells us that he is telling the truth, not a theory, not an idea, not even a hope - it is the truth. The criminal joined him that day in paradise. Bill lives with Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you for giving my sweet husband eternal life and for giving me the truth - I too will join you and Bill and all the saints when my life on earth ends.

In the meantime I keep walking this new grief and yucky life path. I do have one funny story though. Two weeks ago a good friend came to spend the weekend and when I tried to grill him some salmon my grill wouldn't work. David looked it over and told me that the grill had truly died. We knew that it was old, and Bill and I had actually talked about replacing it. We even knew which grill we would get because our other friends (another) David and Jeanne have a grill like this and it is a great small grill. So when my sister Kris visited this weekend we went to Home Depot, bought the grill and us two ladies worked, and read instructions, and drank wine, and 4 hours later we put that grill together. At about half way through Kris asked me if men really enjoyed doing this kind of thing. Beats me. We also took the instructions literally - the instructions said to tighten the screws by hand so we didn't use a screw driver. When we were done the grill was kind of wobbly and then it occurred to both of us at the same time that we could use a screw driver "by hand", not the really great battery powered screw driver that Bill had. We laughed so hard that we had to sit down. We went back through, tightened all of the screws with a real live screw driver and got rid of the wobbles. Then, because it is a gas grill and I didn't really trust that I had been successful I made my sister go inside the house, got out my fire extinguisher (like that would help if the gas tank blew up) and started the ignition. IT WORKED! I made steak and baked potato for my mother in law the next night and I didn't blow up the house. My sister and I did use two screws incorrectly, but we were persistent and found out where we put them and by golly, we fixed it.

I am sure that Bill is with Jesus and enjoying being in relationship with God. I am just as sure that he laughed and laughed and was also very proud of me for buying and assembling a gas grill and for not blowing up our home. So, dear friends, I am having some good moments.

Tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of Bill's acceptance into the heavenly host. I miss him so very much. I love him and I want him back. I think of him constantly and I am reminded of him in everything that I do. I keep busy at all times so that I won't have to think and frankly I am tired. I plan to slow down. I may cry more, but I cannot wish him alive and wear myself out.

I also realize that I don't want to let things change. The weather is turning colder and I am refusing to turn the furnace on. It was summer when Bill was alive and I don't want to change anything that was happening when he was alive. However, God is in charge of the weather and it is getting colder. I did take out my winter clothes and today I forced myself to wear one of my winter outfits. I will turn the furnace on this week. I do have to go on. Bill is gone and summer is over. I also put my coat on. It is in the little things that I am reminded of Bill and that I realize that I struggle so much. Well, I guess that is normal. Whoopee - I am normal. I am glad that God is helping me go on by making sure that life remains normal - the weather changes and I have to take out my winter clothes.

So, I think I'll stop here. I again am in awe of God - Jesus told us the truth - we will be with Him in paradise. It really helps me to write this blog and when some of you respond I get to feel your love and support. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers and love. Let us all say a prayer of thanks that God gave us Jesus and that Bill rests in Jesus' loving arms. Love, Sue

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Kristn is visiting

Good Evening lovely friends and family,

Today my sister Kristin and I went and received Bill's remains. I am so grateful to God that she is in town this week and could come with me to receive him. His soul is gone. He lives with God. Oh what a sweet thought that is - to live with Jesus. Still, it was hard to carry him home. I haven't picked a spot for his rest here on earth. I don't think I will pick a final spot for the two of us until I know which house I will be living in for the long term. Have you had occasion to think about visiting your loved ones and whether you would or not? Kris and I talked about our parents, both of whom we loved dearly. I have visited their graves and in the early years after their death I visited once or twice a year and enjoyed it. My parents both loved flowers and I would take daffodils in the spring and roses in the summer. I haven't visited them for at least 3 years because it is an hour and a half drive and not close to anything. I know they are with God and I find more comfort just talking with them and thinking about them then going to the cemetery. But, I do think that I would like to visit Bill. He also loved flowers and plants and I would like to take him some of my roses in the summer and tulips in the spring, and he really loved dahlias for late summer. So - pray that God will show me a place for he and I to rest ourselves on earth - our souls will rest for all eternity with the Great I am and I long for that day. So, we sat in this pretty cemetery where Bill was cremated and I cried for my loss. Bill has the final victory over death - eternity with God. I feel so alone and I miss him. I miss his laugh and his teasing. Well, I miss lots of things about him. Okay - here comes the joke - you all know that he was perfect and we will have to make him a saint. (get it - Bill wasn't really perfect)

Well - I thought that was a joke, but actually I had to take a break. My sister was laughing very hard and I wondered what was so funny. Then I smelled something burning & ran downstairs. She had put some popcorn in the microwave and it was burned to a crisp. She said that it was still popping, but black is really truly black. She was laughing so hard that she couldn't hardly stand up. My microwave was open, the garbage can was out and she was trying to open my kitchen window. Sooooo- I opened all the windows, turned on the fan, laughed at my sister until I could hardly stand up and tonight turned out to be a good night. I did make her more popcorn, but I made it - I don't trust her anymore.

So - Bill is gone. Life keeps happening. I am so lucky that my sister is with me and that we had a fun adventure tonight. Bill is laughing in heaven. So sweet friends, laugh with me and Bill tonight. I miss him. I love him. He would have loved to tease Kris and he would tell us all to laugh. I love you all. So many of you have given and given and given of your time, your love, and your prayers. Thank you and please keep praying. No Bible verse tonight. I guess it is time to start looking for the fun Bible verses. Love, Sue

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I have thought about all of you so much and time just seems to race by.

I returned to work last week. Work is helpful. It distracts me; it fills up time, and it keeps me out of this house. I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy and co-workers who are kind and funny and understanding. I am now working 80% time so I work every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and every other weekend. That is also a good thing. I make a little more money and I am gone more. It does change my ability to get things done at home, but right now I am not very concerned about how the home is doing. Thank goodness Bill kept it up so well.

I am writing partly because I got a wonderful piece of news this weekend. Our dear friends, Fred and Mary are grandparents for the first time. They have a grandson, Austin. I am excited for them, and I admit that I think about this wonderful little child of God coming into the world as my wonderful man joins Jesus. Doesn't God have a wonderful plan? There is so much joy around the birth of a child. In fact there is so much joy that I felt a leap of joy when I read that a new baby was born! God showed me that I can still feel joy! That was a beautiful gift and this lovely little boy gave it to me just because he is born. I hope that everyone who reads this will pray for Austin, that he will grow in his love for God, and will laugh a lot in this funny world that is ours.

Last Thursday was my first day alone in the house. It was not a good day. At first I tried to work out a way to feel better, but soon decided that I needed a sad day and that I was going to feel all of the sadness and lonliness that I feel because Bill is gone. Friends called and that helped so much. I told a friend today that I am going to make a list of friends that I can call when I am sad because when I feel sad like that I cannot think clearly and it doesn't occur to me to call and tell someone that I am sad. I know that lots of us are sad. I slept well Thursday night and Friday was a better day - my second day alone, but I accomplished some things and it felt good.

I don't read Revelation very often, but I read this the other day and it fit: "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." Revelations 21:4. God is certainly with me at all times because I wipe away a lot of tears.

So, I have to go to work tomorrow - Praise God and so I need to go to bed tonight. I will not wait so long to write again. I am starting to feel Bill's presence, the strength of his love reaches down from above and I feel him comforting me and pushing me toward the next task and the next time of rest. I thank God for him and I really thank God for all of you who call, think about me, love me, and care about and for me. A child was born this weekend. He is God's child and he is loved. Life has promise and for tonight that is good enough for me. I love you all. Sue

Friday, September 11, 2009

Sequim

Today is Friday and I am writing from our home in Sequim. Amanda, mom and I came out on Wednesday. I was naive and thought that it would be no harder than existing in Mercer Island. Boy was I wrong. It is very hard to be in this home without Bill. This was our home where we came to retreat, to relax, and to love each other even more. This is our home where we dreamed about a future where we would be together 24 hours a day. Well, God had a different plan. I almost got back into the car and left when I first walked in, but I didn’t and I will make it. I mowed the lawn yesterday (always my job when we were out here), and trimmed some trees that were growing into my view. I will make it. We have enjoyed our beautiful sun room, my Diamond Point friends have called and come and loved me. Amanda and mom have been a tremendous help and we have started new “traditions”. I guess that is what I will need to do.

So, I should say that most of the family left on Monday. I would never have made it without the support of my family and friends. My sister Kristin kept the house tidy, meals served, and all of us on schedule. She alternated between giving me so much love and telling me what I needed to hear to keep going. I will be grateful to her forever and the best part is that I know that she is there for me when I need it in the future. She has a business trip every September and will be staying with me a few days in just a few weeks. I am really looking forward to that. My cousin Donel came with her son Adam and what Kris didn’t do Donel did. I probably shouldn’t talk about people personally because I can’t mention all of the lovely little things that everyone who was here did for me. So if I don’t mention you I do know how wonderful you were to me. I will say that Bill’s friend Jim gave me some wonderful advise about taking care of mom and I will be following up on that. Karl had to leave us on Tuesday to get back to Arizona. He has dropped all of his classes for the semester. I can’t say that I blame him. Concentrating would be tough after the September that we have had. He plans to look for a job.

On Tuesday afternoon Ron drove Amanda, me and mom to Woodinville and we went wine tasting. We tried 5 wineries and had some good wine and some so so wine. Mom only drinks white wine, but she bought the most wine. Ron and Amanda bought a great bottle to drink at Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful sunny day and although I won’t say it was fun I will say that there were fun moments, and I enjoyed celebrating with Amanda on her 30th birthday. I don’t know how I got old enough to have a 30 year old daughter. On Tuesday night some of Amanda’s friends joined us for dinner at a Mexican restaurant at Alkai Beach in West Seattle. It was very good and festive. Happy Birthday Amanda.

I am returning to work on Monday. It is definitely time to do that. Part of me thinks that if I do nothing Bill will show up, but of course I know that won’t happen. So, I will go to work and come home without him for the first time. Amanda, bless her heart, is staying Monday to be home with mom on my first day back at work and to be there when I come home. I will take her to the airport on Tuesday for a 6:00 am flight home and then mom and I and our dog Kai will be on our own.

I feel God’s presence and I fleetingly feel Bill with me. I talk to Bill and I pray a lot. I have walked Kai on all of our favorite walks. I don’t have a Bible verse, but I do find comfort in the Bible. Pray for me dear friends and family. This is so very hard. If I didn’t have to do this I sure wouldn’t, but my sweet William is gone and I will be going on. I love you all and am so grateful that all of you have been so wonderful to me. Thank you all, again. Love, Sue

Sunday, September 6, 2009

WOW - what a celebration

Yesterday we celebrated Bill's life and lifted our voice with joy that he is with Jesus. I cried, mom cried, my sister cried when the soloist sang "How Great Thou Art", our mother's favorite hymn. But, we told funny stories, stories about Bill's love of jokes, and stunts, and parties. Amanda and Ron put together a video show of all the pictures of Bill through the years. That man was willing to do almost anything for a laugh. His friend prayed about Bill fishing, poor Bill fished so much and caught so few salmon and he loved to do that. But, I know that Bill fished for people and I think he caught some for God. Praise God for the life of my sweet husband.

Today we are having a surprise birthday party for Amanda. She will be 30 on Tuesday. The "boys" made homemade spaghetti sauce and salad and bread and we all bought "silly" gifts. Bill would love to be at his "baby girl's birthday." So, life begins again. I love him so much and I miss him every moment. I will confess that I didn't read my Bible as often I should have. But I now plan to turn to God and His Word to provide me with comfort and strength. I love you all! Sue

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How do I talk about life after Bill? I guess that to be truthful I have laughed, and enjoyed myself, and I have cried and wailed and I have been crabby and mean because I just don't want to deal with everything that is going on.

When people visit I tell funny stories about Bill and hear their funny stories about Bill. He had a great sense of humor, wasn't afraid to be the butt of a joke, and loved the absurd. He loved to be around others, always wanted to have people over, have Happy Hour with friends, go try new things and see new things. I have talked about my pathetic attempts at nursing. Did you know that the human head is very heavy? Someone said that it weighs like a bowling ball. Bill always wanted the ice pack under his head, but lifting his head, fluffing the pillow, and slipping the ice pack under his head required more coordination than I have. I would talk to him and explain what I was doing so that he would be prepared for clumsy Sue. I laughed at myself and before he got too sick Bill would smile at me too. Thank goodness that Bill loved so many of you so that you are able to provide me with fun and loving stories about Bill.

I find it very hard to concentrate and start to do something and then my mind goes blank and I go do something else. I did do the obituary today. It will be in the Seattle Times on Friday. I found Bill's Resume' so it was easier to write. I left stuff out - I know that, but it is very expensive and Bill would want me to send the money to missions, not spend it on glorifying him. So - it is what it is.

Amanda and my sister Kristin are here. They are keeping me sane, picking up the house, and helping me make decisions. I snapped at both of them a few times today. That has to stop. I can be angry, but I don't want to snap at my two loving helpers. I have been able to get to sleep at a decent time every night, but wake up early. This morning I woke up at 3:00 am. Unfortunately I immediately am aware that I am alone in my big bed and then start "thinking" and missing Bill. So, I got up and messed around until Amanda and Kris got up. Tonight I am going to take a sleeping aide and try to get a good night's rest. I really don't want to be crabby.

Tomorrow we will finalize the service and Karl arrives. I will have to get through another day. I was going to do laundry today, but fortunately Kris took over. At least I'll have clean undies for the Memorial. No - don't ask me about them!!

So, God is good. He constantly reminds me that Bill was very ill, felt horrible, and was ready to join the Heavenly Chorus. I see His glory in Bill's beautiful flowers, and enjoy our dog's adoration while I walk her. I know that God has a good plan for me. I plan to practice patience so I can rest in Jesus' arms and wait for my future. Going through grief is no fun. Well - I guess that is a little bit of a lie, because there is always fun. My sister loves baseball and the Mariners were playing today and leaving for the weekend. So, we all went to the game, ate ball park food, danced to the crazy music, clapped, laughed, and cheered when they won. So - pray for me, love me, and kick me in the but when I need it. I love you all. Sue

Oops -Bible passage -Bill told me to include the passage about the road to Emmaus in his Memorial: Luke 24:13-33. Two of the disciples were on the road to Emmaus. They meet Jesus, don't recognize him, and tell him how sad they are that Jesus was crucified and that the tomb is empty. They invite Jesus to supper: 30: When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. Then their eyes were opened and they recognized hm, and he disappeared from their sight. They asked each other, "were not our heart burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?" When you meet Jesus on the road to Emmaus, open your arms and embrace Him. Bill recognized Jesus and went with joy. I hope that I recognize Jesus. Love, Sue