The question is Why, The Answer is unknown

Everyday I ask myself why this happened to me. I admit that I am selfish - poor Bill died. He gets no more dreams, no more time to enjoy everything that he wanted. But, Bill got to go to Jesus and I get to stay on earth, but I feel so sad. I lost my best friend, my lover, the person who really thought I was pretty neat. I feel God's presence and love, but truly, I want Bill. I really am selfish. We all long to be with Jesus and here I am wishing that Bill would be back on earth where his eyes would be dry again and he would have aching knees and elbows. So, it feels fine to whine a little, but I do try to not let myself get too weird. I keep having to tell myself that Bill is gone. I guess that is denial - I just keep hoping that he will come back. And, of course, I know that he won't. We won't be together on earth, but we will spend eternity with Jesus and that does make me feel good.

I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.

This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.

So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.

This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.

I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue