My oh my - it has been a long time since that I have blogged. I think about talking with you all a lot, but then I don't sit down and actually talk with you.

The first thing that I want to talk about actually happened two weeks ago. Lutheran Ministries Service NW had a most beautiful memorial for Bill. We started with a perfect Lutheran potluck. Bill would have gone straight to the desert table and tried one of everything. Bill did like his deserts. The Harmony Sisters sang while we ate and that was great. Bill really enjoyed their harmonious way of singing and that they loved Jesus so much. Then we all went into the church at Pilgrim Lutheran and had a lovely Memorial Service. Spirit Band led the music part and sang a couple of Bill's favorite songs. Mom and I both cried through the whole service, but it was so nice to sit with the people who supported Bill's prison/hospital ministry and celebrate eternal salvation. I hope that all of the people who support LMSNW know how much Bill enjoyed his aftercare prison ministry and felt that providing support in aftercare was so much a part of Jesus command to support those so much less fortunate than us. Some of those men ministered to Bill. He sometimes told me that he could feel the Holy Spirit working in their lives and how privileged he was to be part of their lives. I doubt that it is easy to give of our limited resources to support this, but so many lovely people do and Bill really appreciated it. Mom and I agreed that although it was hard for us to go, we were glad that we did and now we feel that we have done enough memorials. Bill, I'm sure is totally focused on enjoying himself at Jesus' feet and would agree.

So, I'm writing this from Charlotte, North Carolina. Amanda & I are here for Michael and Tiffany Fremder's wedding last Saturday. Boy was that a beautiful wedding. It was a candlelight wedding and then cocktails and dinner. Yes, they had "shooters", Bloody Mary's with an oyster at the bottom. I took a deep breath, and with Bill in mind (who loved oysters) drank it down. It was good. Amanda and I got to spend lots of time with all of the Fremders and that was wonderful.

We have been able to do some fun tourist things. We have been to two plantations - no they don't look like the one in "Gone With the Wind." The second plantation home was built by a merchant from Philadelphia and he did a replica of a row house. We are flying out late this afternoon and going to a Revolutionary War Hero's home. Yesterday we drove a few hours to Asheville and met Jim and Janice McDaniels and toured Biltmore, the Vanderbilt's home. WOW. It was great to see them too. We have eaten Southern cooking (hush puppies, collard greens, spoon bread) and of course we have had Barbecue.

This has been a good trip for me. I have cried. Well - I cry at odd times anyway, but mostly I have enjoyed myself. I find that Bill comes into the conversation easily and that I enjoy talking about what he and I did and about him. It keeps him alive for me and honors the wonderful life that he and I shared. Amanda has been a wonderful companion (gosh - can you tell that I am proud of her) and has done most of the driving. What more could a mother ask. Her sweet husband calls her 2 - 3 times a week. Isn't that sweet? I guess that cell phones allow romance to stay warm even when you are waltzing your mother around.

I have felt Bill's presence at times too. He tells me to enjoy myself and that he is enjoying the times that I am enjoying. God is so gracious to allow me some sense of my sweet William. Jesus, of course, is walking along with me. Thank you God for comforting me and letting me take this trip and be able to say that I am, for the most part, enjoying myself. I live in the world - I feel all of the emotions that one feels.

Happy Thanksgiving all. Amanda and Ron and Kris, Bob and Megan will be with Mom and I. I talked with Karl yesterday and he will go out (I hope) and get some turkey. Please include us in your prayers as we face this first Thanksgiving dinner without Bill at the head of the table. I know that he is enjoying the heavenly feast. I bet that I will never stop wishing that he could still be with me. Love to you all, Sue

I sold Bill's car today

I am thinking of Luther's hymn where he says that goods, wife, and family are not important - only God. I know that I butchered that phrase - forgive me dear friends.

Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.

So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.

The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.

Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.

I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?

Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.

Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue