Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart

I am coming up for air again after riding a slow descent into sadness. Thank you for calling me, emailing me, communicating with me after my last blog and telling me that yes, you can tell, that I am sad, and that yes, it is okay to be that sad. I just felt like I was floating and missed my sweet William oh so much.

Valentines Day has never been a big holiday for us, but of course I had watched all of the ads and commercials telling me to celebrate love. So - I love you William. I will love you forever. I know that you are with Jesus and that your entire being is centered on our eternal life with God. Valentines Day is about love and God loved us the most and He loved us first. I miss your presence, and I am so happy for you. My gift to you this Valentines Day is to feel some joy that you are with Jesus and to start to take charge of my life again. No, I am not going to become totally organized and put together - this grief stuff is all about going in fits and starts. I wouldn't be making it without Jesus and all of the angels that He has sent to keep me focused on the promise I have that I will also share eternal life with Him.

Gosh I have wonderful friends and family. You have just let me be. You have invited me to walk, sent silly cards, deep thoughtful letters, and called and called again. At least I had the sense to keep saying yes, even though I really didn't want to do anything.

Both mom and I have colds. I am in the second day and it doesn't feel too bad yet. I hope to have a mild cold, not an icky one. I am working tomorrow. Hope that it all works well.

Bill and I used I Corinthians 13: 4-13 in our wedding. I know that lots of people do, but I love the passage about love. I realize that God is the source of our love and that the love I shared with Bill was so wonderful, so deep, and such a source of strength in large part because we shared a belief in our eternal salvation, in God's wonderful gift of life with him.

13; And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Close your eyes and feel God's love pour over you. Isn't that the most delicious feeling in all of the world? Just imagine dear friends. When we die we get to bathe in the presence of our Savior every moment for all of eternity. What a love gift. Bill, sweet Bill, You are my love, and now Jesus will show me how to live a life with you in my heart, but not walking in the world with me. Keep praying for me friends and family. I have a long journey ahead and although I know that Jesus will welcome me at the end, the end in not in sight. Love, Sue

For the rest of my life

I love Bill and I think about him all of the time. I have been in a funk for the last 2-3 weeks. I think that I really geared up to get through the holidays and his birthday, but then there wasn't anything to focus on so I just stopped and cannot find a goal to focus on and get myself going. I have started reading more. I have to fill the hours somehow. It is tax time and I would like to get that done, but cannot seem to get up any steam to do something about the taxes.

Well - I am in a whiny mood. I just miss Bill so much and feel the grief roll over myself everyday. I really thought that life would get easier, but it really hasn't. I am really leaning on God a lot these days. I keep thinking about what Bill and I were doing and thinking at this time last year and how neither of us knew that anything was wrong. Life was so wonderful and now it isn't. I am glad about the memories

You know, I think I will sign off - this is just too sad. I think I will read my Bible and find one or two things that I am grateful for and happy about and then I'll blog again. Pray for me friends. I am praying all of the time and Jesus has me in his arms. Love to you all. Sue