Sometimes I wonder how I maintain such confidence and cling so strongly to God. After all, Bill is gone and I sure do wish that God had given ME a miracle and let Bill live. I guess that one of the gifts that God has given me is that I am not angry with God that Bill is gone. Watching Bill accept and frankly embrace his death and immediate access to God really has changed the way I view death and I just don't feel angry with God that He let Bill leave this world and come to be with Him. For Bill it would not have been a miracle if he had been allowed to live. He was ready and wanting to join Jesus for all eternity. I do feel frustration and even anger that I have so much to deal with and I do feel absolute ongoing devastation that my sweet William no longer is with me.
You probably have figured out that I have had a few rough spots since I last wrote. June 2 was Bill's and my 37th wedding anniversary and June 6 was Bill's 34th Ordination anniversary. I wonder if he got to preach the sermon in Heaven on his ordination anniversary. Knowing Bill - he would have named one of the many preachers that he loved to listen to or read their sermons and asked that they or God would teach in his place. Even though we know very little about Heaven I do think about what he is doing there. It keeps him alive in my heart.
A wedding anniversary is such a personal thing. It was the first "first" that I really celebrated alone and didn't know quite what to do to make sure that I got through the day. I woke up in the morning and thought about my loss. That was hard. Then I started thinking about our wedding day. My family knows that I do that on all important days. I tell Amanda "in detail" about the day she was born every year on her birthday, and Karl about the day we got him and he pooped all over his father. The kids groan, but I love these memories. I now realize that I love the memories of our wedding day and those are what sustain and comfort me now that Bill is gone and I am single. It isn't really that I feel single, because I feel very married, but an anniversary is a huge reminder that my husband is no longer here. So I was at work on June 2 and that was a good thing and then I came home, Karl and I loaded up the truck with plants, we lifted mom into the truck and mom and I went to Sequim. I stayed as busy and I could so that I would be exhausted at night and just go to sleep when I went to bed. It worked. I did get a call from our friend who we celebrated so many anniversaries with and that was really nice. God has given so many wonderful friends who just call and love me at the right moment.
God has also answered a prayer for me in a pretty spectacular way. I have been feeling increasingly burdened with keeping up my two homes. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have two homes, but Bill was the handyman and I was the unskilled labor. Bill and I always planned that if one of us died the other would need to sell one home and, as Bill said, "go forward." Neither of us realized that the surviving spouse doesn't always want to "go forward."
However, I have been in prayer since Bill's death that God would reveal a plan for me. After Christmas I started looking through web sites for a new Social Work job on the Olympic Peninsula. I have 7 years until retirement age and I have to work to support myself. I have consistently wanted to move to our home on Diamond Point and decided that since I didn't feel any conflict about that, that God was probably telling me to get started on making that happen. I cannot commute from Sequim to my job at Harborview very easily so I knew that I needed a new job.
So - 2 weeks ago I accepted a job to work for Olympic Medical Center (OMC) as the Patient Navigator at the outpatient Cancer Center located in Sequim. I start work on June 28. OMC is the biggest hospital on the Olympic Peninsula, not that it is huge or anything. But, they really are establishing complete medical services for the population on the Peninsula and they are actually establishing most of their outpatient specialty services in Sequim. The hospital is in Port Angeles - about a 25 minute drive from Sequim. I live East of Sequim so a job is Sequim is much better for me than one in Port Angeles.
This is a Social Work job where I will meet with all new patients and their families and do an assessment of what they may need and then make sure they get it. I prayed a lot about working with Cancer patients since Bill died of Cancer, but I believe that I have something to offer to patients and their families. I have felt much peace and confidence about this new job and move. I have not felt nervous or had any regrets. I feel like God has been saying, "Hey - I provided everything that you asked for so go enjoy it." God is an Awesome God.
I have found that I am feeling some resurgence of grief because I am leaving Harborview where I have worked for 8 and a half years. I guess I should have expected that. So - I cry some and I accept that I do feel great sadness at leaving a good job that Bill was involved in to. This will be a move to something all on my own. Wow. I also know that I will have many moments of grief or "small deaths" as I call them as I go through our Mercer Island home and prepare to put it up for sale. I decided that I wouldn't try to get it ready in "a few weeks" because that would probably put me over the edge. So - Mom and Karl and I are working on things a piece at a time. I do hope to have the house up for sale by fall.
I did finish cleaning out Bill's office. That wasn't as bad as I thought it could be. I found a whole bunch of his sermons and will put them in a binder. I am going to put them in order of the Bible passage they are based on and then when I am reading that part of the Bible I will read Bill's sermon about that. Isn't that cool?
Well - I have rambled on long enough. But, I wanted all of you to know about my big changes. Oops - I have been talking about Karl and didn't say that he moved back home a few weeks ago. It is going fine for now. He doesn't want to move to Sequim and truthfully there isn't much for him in Sequim so he and I will be working on a good plan for him.
I am going to end with something that our friend Mark gave me. It has really comforted me recently:
NOTHING
can make up for the absence
of someone we love -
and it would be wrong
to try to find a substitute -
we must simple hold out
and see it through -
that sounds very hard at first
but at the same time
it is a great consolation -
for the gap - as long as
is remains unfilled -
preserves the bond
between us -
it is nonsense to say that
God fills the gap -
God does not fill it -
but on the contrary
keeps it empty
and so helps us to keep alive
our former communion
with each other
even at the cost of pain -
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I continue to love and treasure you all. Sue
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Springtime blues
That title really doesn't describe what has been going on all of spring, but I guess it sounded good.
First, I know that it has been a long time and I am sorry about that. I keep thinking about the blog, but often at night I am just exhausted, either mentally or physically and I just don't blog.
So, the lead up to Easter was rough. Mom and I went to Lenten services and cried our way through them. Lent is a reflective time, but there are lots of hymns about death and the sacrifice that Jesus made. Easter is usually my favorite holiday, but this year was just trying to get through. I did decide that mom and I shouldn't be alone on Easter and since I love to cook I invited some friends over for Easter dinner. We had lamb and it was great. Bill cooked so many of our more formal dinners, but my lamb turned out very well. I am so very glad that I decided to have people around me on the day that Jesus saved us all for all of eternity.
He is Risen. He is Risen Indeed.
On Easter day I enjoyed our church's potluck breakfast and the dinner. Church itself wasn't easy. I just plain missed seeing my sweetie leading church. I will say - I wondered what kind of celebration goes on in heaven on Easter. I doubt any of us can even begin to imagine it. Lucky Bill - He got to celebrate with the King this year.
After Easter mom and I hosted our friends the Rusches who are on home leave from the mission field in the Philippines. They were visiting their supportive churches and we got them for almost 3 weeks. It was wonderful - truly wonderful. I discovered that I can have overnight friends and enjoy them, plan for them, and keep my life going while they are here. For those of you who are married I know that you know how you share so many tasks. I am finding that one of the things I am learning about myself if that I can do things on my own and still enjoy it. Obviously mom helped with lots of things so that was helpful too.
So I also turned 59 since I last talked with you all. Amanda flew down from Anchorage and my niece Jessica came over from Central WA University. We all went out to Sequim and had a wonderful 3 days. I decided that my birthday present to myself would be a rhododendron for my front planting area in Sequim. There is a wonderful Rhododendron garden and nursery in Brinnon. I could have bought a dozen, but I came home with two beautiful and unusual rhodies, planted them and had a great time. I made myself a blackberry pie and had some friends for a birthday dinner. It was a good birthday. Bill was there, but the memories were good and I felt his love in all of its comfort and beauty. It was lovely having two sweet young ladies to share it with. I really appreciate my son in law Ron who has so freely shared his wife with me this year.
About 6 weeks ago mom got an invitation to a wedding in Baltimore and she decided that she wanted to go. I dithered (I do that a lot) and whined and then decided to just buck up and booked us 2 first class airline tickets, a car, and a hotel and we went. After I made the decision I realized that we would be flying home on Mother's Day. Thank goodness. I don't think that Mother's Day is so really bad for me because I have my children, but I knew that it would be a horrible day for mom. Bill was her only child and she struggles so much with why he died so young. She enjoyed seeing her family and we saw two close friends of Bill's and mine. It was a little bittersweet - fun to travel and eat great seafood, but Bill was everywhere since he grew up in Baltimore. I kept being reminded of all of the great stories he had about growing up in Baltimore. Bill was very lucky - he had a great childhood in a fun city.
There is a spot for him (and me too) in his family's cemetery plot in Baltimore. We visited Bill's dad at the cemetery and I stood there and thought about bringing Bill's cremains there. I really don't want to. I want him close by so I can visit, but I know that I won't be going weekly or anything. I think I will just leave it to God to let me know the right answer at the right time.
Gosh I have missed talking with you. I feel such affection and support from all of you. I am so very glad that Jesus walks with me daily. I have had some nights where I didn't sleep well, but then I sleep fine at other times. It has been 8 months since my sweet husband fell asleep and ended our earthly relationship. Praise God that we will be together for eternity. Have I ever said that I can sometimes hear him talk to me? Well - I do. Usually he tells me how happy he is being so close to Jesus and having the opportunity to learn from and worship the Master.
I was going to end with the Bible passage from I Corinthians 13:1-13 because it was read at the wedding mom and I went to last weekend and it was also read at our wedding, but while I was looking it up I noticed the passage on spiritual gifts and one body and many parts and Jesus said to use that because it is about how wonderful it is to be in the Christian family:
I Corinthians 12: 12-13: the body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, the form one body. So it is with Christ. For were all baptized by one Spirit into one body - whether Jew or Greeks, slave or free - and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.
Thank you all for being arms to hold me, hands to comfort me, and hearts to love me. I feel it and because of your support I am going on, one week, on day, one hour or whatever is necessary to keep living and doing God's will in this life.
Love to you all, Sue
First, I know that it has been a long time and I am sorry about that. I keep thinking about the blog, but often at night I am just exhausted, either mentally or physically and I just don't blog.
So, the lead up to Easter was rough. Mom and I went to Lenten services and cried our way through them. Lent is a reflective time, but there are lots of hymns about death and the sacrifice that Jesus made. Easter is usually my favorite holiday, but this year was just trying to get through. I did decide that mom and I shouldn't be alone on Easter and since I love to cook I invited some friends over for Easter dinner. We had lamb and it was great. Bill cooked so many of our more formal dinners, but my lamb turned out very well. I am so very glad that I decided to have people around me on the day that Jesus saved us all for all of eternity.
He is Risen. He is Risen Indeed.
On Easter day I enjoyed our church's potluck breakfast and the dinner. Church itself wasn't easy. I just plain missed seeing my sweetie leading church. I will say - I wondered what kind of celebration goes on in heaven on Easter. I doubt any of us can even begin to imagine it. Lucky Bill - He got to celebrate with the King this year.
After Easter mom and I hosted our friends the Rusches who are on home leave from the mission field in the Philippines. They were visiting their supportive churches and we got them for almost 3 weeks. It was wonderful - truly wonderful. I discovered that I can have overnight friends and enjoy them, plan for them, and keep my life going while they are here. For those of you who are married I know that you know how you share so many tasks. I am finding that one of the things I am learning about myself if that I can do things on my own and still enjoy it. Obviously mom helped with lots of things so that was helpful too.
So I also turned 59 since I last talked with you all. Amanda flew down from Anchorage and my niece Jessica came over from Central WA University. We all went out to Sequim and had a wonderful 3 days. I decided that my birthday present to myself would be a rhododendron for my front planting area in Sequim. There is a wonderful Rhododendron garden and nursery in Brinnon. I could have bought a dozen, but I came home with two beautiful and unusual rhodies, planted them and had a great time. I made myself a blackberry pie and had some friends for a birthday dinner. It was a good birthday. Bill was there, but the memories were good and I felt his love in all of its comfort and beauty. It was lovely having two sweet young ladies to share it with. I really appreciate my son in law Ron who has so freely shared his wife with me this year.
About 6 weeks ago mom got an invitation to a wedding in Baltimore and she decided that she wanted to go. I dithered (I do that a lot) and whined and then decided to just buck up and booked us 2 first class airline tickets, a car, and a hotel and we went. After I made the decision I realized that we would be flying home on Mother's Day. Thank goodness. I don't think that Mother's Day is so really bad for me because I have my children, but I knew that it would be a horrible day for mom. Bill was her only child and she struggles so much with why he died so young. She enjoyed seeing her family and we saw two close friends of Bill's and mine. It was a little bittersweet - fun to travel and eat great seafood, but Bill was everywhere since he grew up in Baltimore. I kept being reminded of all of the great stories he had about growing up in Baltimore. Bill was very lucky - he had a great childhood in a fun city.
There is a spot for him (and me too) in his family's cemetery plot in Baltimore. We visited Bill's dad at the cemetery and I stood there and thought about bringing Bill's cremains there. I really don't want to. I want him close by so I can visit, but I know that I won't be going weekly or anything. I think I will just leave it to God to let me know the right answer at the right time.
Gosh I have missed talking with you. I feel such affection and support from all of you. I am so very glad that Jesus walks with me daily. I have had some nights where I didn't sleep well, but then I sleep fine at other times. It has been 8 months since my sweet husband fell asleep and ended our earthly relationship. Praise God that we will be together for eternity. Have I ever said that I can sometimes hear him talk to me? Well - I do. Usually he tells me how happy he is being so close to Jesus and having the opportunity to learn from and worship the Master.
I was going to end with the Bible passage from I Corinthians 13:1-13 because it was read at the wedding mom and I went to last weekend and it was also read at our wedding, but while I was looking it up I noticed the passage on spiritual gifts and one body and many parts and Jesus said to use that because it is about how wonderful it is to be in the Christian family:
I Corinthians 12: 12-13: the body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, the form one body. So it is with Christ. For were all baptized by one Spirit into one body - whether Jew or Greeks, slave or free - and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.
Thank you all for being arms to hold me, hands to comfort me, and hearts to love me. I feel it and because of your support I am going on, one week, on day, one hour or whatever is necessary to keep living and doing God's will in this life.
Love to you all, Sue
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm back
Hello Sweet friends and family,
I have thought about all of you a lot. I thought that I had to change my blog address. I wish that I were 3/4 computer literate instead of 1/2 computer literate. I went to write in the blog a few weeks ago and it told me that I had to do it through my "Google" account. I didn't think that I had a Google account, but I gave it a shot. Well, obviously it didn't work and I got frustrated and just didn't blog. The same thing happened tonight, but then I just typed in the blogger address manually and there was Bill's blog. My frustration level is fairly low.
So, I'll get the bad news over with. This has been a crappy year. Last week I lost the diamond in my engagement ring while at work. Of course I never found it and I am sure that it is gone. I have worn that diamond for almost 40 years and this year I lose Bill and I lose the diamond that he gave me. It wasn't a big diamond, but he shopped for it and gave it to me with all of the love in his heart. The hole in my heart just gets bigger and bigger. I guess that God really wants me to cling to him and to give up worldly things. So - I'll put the ring in my jewelry box. I cried my heart out several times and now I will just keep going.
This has been a long long month. I feel kind of stuck. I feel like this grinding grief is never going away. I am thinking of finding a grief group. Hospice has them, but they aren't at a convenient time. Of course there probably isn't ever a convenient time. I just feel like I'd like some movement. Of course I also don't ever want to feel better. It is weird. I miss Bill terribly and yet I find this pain unbearable. I did have a cold for 3 weeks so that probably made it even harder to keep going.
So, any good news. Well - I am enjoying the flowering trees and the daffodils that are blooming. My mother used to enjoy sending daffodils to her sisters and they are such a wonderful way of welcoming spring. My house smells like the hyacinths that I brought in yesterday. They are very pretty. I keep wanting to tell Bill that the particular tree that we loved to see bloom is blooming. Silly me - he can see the tree and probably in heaven all of the trees are beautiful. Or, he doesn't care because God has a different kind of heaven and Bill is totally focused on that. One thing I know and that is that Bill is in Jesus' loving arms and that he is totally happy. Gosh that helps to know that. You know, it isn't even that I believe it. I believe it so much that I know it. Praise God - he sacrificed everything for us and now Bill has eternal life and I have the promise of eternity with Jesus.
So, now that I have figured out how to get back into Bill's blog you will hear from me more. Sorry I let my frustration get the better of me and I sulked instead of arguing with this silly computer. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am still saying yes to social engagements. Yes, I am still going to jazzercize, and yes I love my God. Sue
I have thought about all of you a lot. I thought that I had to change my blog address. I wish that I were 3/4 computer literate instead of 1/2 computer literate. I went to write in the blog a few weeks ago and it told me that I had to do it through my "Google" account. I didn't think that I had a Google account, but I gave it a shot. Well, obviously it didn't work and I got frustrated and just didn't blog. The same thing happened tonight, but then I just typed in the blogger address manually and there was Bill's blog. My frustration level is fairly low.
So, I'll get the bad news over with. This has been a crappy year. Last week I lost the diamond in my engagement ring while at work. Of course I never found it and I am sure that it is gone. I have worn that diamond for almost 40 years and this year I lose Bill and I lose the diamond that he gave me. It wasn't a big diamond, but he shopped for it and gave it to me with all of the love in his heart. The hole in my heart just gets bigger and bigger. I guess that God really wants me to cling to him and to give up worldly things. So - I'll put the ring in my jewelry box. I cried my heart out several times and now I will just keep going.
This has been a long long month. I feel kind of stuck. I feel like this grinding grief is never going away. I am thinking of finding a grief group. Hospice has them, but they aren't at a convenient time. Of course there probably isn't ever a convenient time. I just feel like I'd like some movement. Of course I also don't ever want to feel better. It is weird. I miss Bill terribly and yet I find this pain unbearable. I did have a cold for 3 weeks so that probably made it even harder to keep going.
So, any good news. Well - I am enjoying the flowering trees and the daffodils that are blooming. My mother used to enjoy sending daffodils to her sisters and they are such a wonderful way of welcoming spring. My house smells like the hyacinths that I brought in yesterday. They are very pretty. I keep wanting to tell Bill that the particular tree that we loved to see bloom is blooming. Silly me - he can see the tree and probably in heaven all of the trees are beautiful. Or, he doesn't care because God has a different kind of heaven and Bill is totally focused on that. One thing I know and that is that Bill is in Jesus' loving arms and that he is totally happy. Gosh that helps to know that. You know, it isn't even that I believe it. I believe it so much that I know it. Praise God - he sacrificed everything for us and now Bill has eternal life and I have the promise of eternity with Jesus.
So, now that I have figured out how to get back into Bill's blog you will hear from me more. Sorry I let my frustration get the better of me and I sulked instead of arguing with this silly computer. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I am still saying yes to social engagements. Yes, I am still going to jazzercize, and yes I love my God. Sue
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart
I am coming up for air again after riding a slow descent into sadness. Thank you for calling me, emailing me, communicating with me after my last blog and telling me that yes, you can tell, that I am sad, and that yes, it is okay to be that sad. I just felt like I was floating and missed my sweet William oh so much.
Valentines Day has never been a big holiday for us, but of course I had watched all of the ads and commercials telling me to celebrate love. So - I love you William. I will love you forever. I know that you are with Jesus and that your entire being is centered on our eternal life with God. Valentines Day is about love and God loved us the most and He loved us first. I miss your presence, and I am so happy for you. My gift to you this Valentines Day is to feel some joy that you are with Jesus and to start to take charge of my life again. No, I am not going to become totally organized and put together - this grief stuff is all about going in fits and starts. I wouldn't be making it without Jesus and all of the angels that He has sent to keep me focused on the promise I have that I will also share eternal life with Him.
Gosh I have wonderful friends and family. You have just let me be. You have invited me to walk, sent silly cards, deep thoughtful letters, and called and called again. At least I had the sense to keep saying yes, even though I really didn't want to do anything.
Both mom and I have colds. I am in the second day and it doesn't feel too bad yet. I hope to have a mild cold, not an icky one. I am working tomorrow. Hope that it all works well.
Bill and I used I Corinthians 13: 4-13 in our wedding. I know that lots of people do, but I love the passage about love. I realize that God is the source of our love and that the love I shared with Bill was so wonderful, so deep, and such a source of strength in large part because we shared a belief in our eternal salvation, in God's wonderful gift of life with him.
13; And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Close your eyes and feel God's love pour over you. Isn't that the most delicious feeling in all of the world? Just imagine dear friends. When we die we get to bathe in the presence of our Savior every moment for all of eternity. What a love gift. Bill, sweet Bill, You are my love, and now Jesus will show me how to live a life with you in my heart, but not walking in the world with me. Keep praying for me friends and family. I have a long journey ahead and although I know that Jesus will welcome me at the end, the end in not in sight. Love, Sue
Valentines Day has never been a big holiday for us, but of course I had watched all of the ads and commercials telling me to celebrate love. So - I love you William. I will love you forever. I know that you are with Jesus and that your entire being is centered on our eternal life with God. Valentines Day is about love and God loved us the most and He loved us first. I miss your presence, and I am so happy for you. My gift to you this Valentines Day is to feel some joy that you are with Jesus and to start to take charge of my life again. No, I am not going to become totally organized and put together - this grief stuff is all about going in fits and starts. I wouldn't be making it without Jesus and all of the angels that He has sent to keep me focused on the promise I have that I will also share eternal life with Him.
Gosh I have wonderful friends and family. You have just let me be. You have invited me to walk, sent silly cards, deep thoughtful letters, and called and called again. At least I had the sense to keep saying yes, even though I really didn't want to do anything.
Both mom and I have colds. I am in the second day and it doesn't feel too bad yet. I hope to have a mild cold, not an icky one. I am working tomorrow. Hope that it all works well.
Bill and I used I Corinthians 13: 4-13 in our wedding. I know that lots of people do, but I love the passage about love. I realize that God is the source of our love and that the love I shared with Bill was so wonderful, so deep, and such a source of strength in large part because we shared a belief in our eternal salvation, in God's wonderful gift of life with him.
13; And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Close your eyes and feel God's love pour over you. Isn't that the most delicious feeling in all of the world? Just imagine dear friends. When we die we get to bathe in the presence of our Savior every moment for all of eternity. What a love gift. Bill, sweet Bill, You are my love, and now Jesus will show me how to live a life with you in my heart, but not walking in the world with me. Keep praying for me friends and family. I have a long journey ahead and although I know that Jesus will welcome me at the end, the end in not in sight. Love, Sue
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
For the rest of my life
I love Bill and I think about him all of the time. I have been in a funk for the last 2-3 weeks. I think that I really geared up to get through the holidays and his birthday, but then there wasn't anything to focus on so I just stopped and cannot find a goal to focus on and get myself going. I have started reading more. I have to fill the hours somehow. It is tax time and I would like to get that done, but cannot seem to get up any steam to do something about the taxes.
Well - I am in a whiny mood. I just miss Bill so much and feel the grief roll over myself everyday. I really thought that life would get easier, but it really hasn't. I am really leaning on God a lot these days. I keep thinking about what Bill and I were doing and thinking at this time last year and how neither of us knew that anything was wrong. Life was so wonderful and now it isn't. I am glad about the memories
You know, I think I will sign off - this is just too sad. I think I will read my Bible and find one or two things that I am grateful for and happy about and then I'll blog again. Pray for me friends. I am praying all of the time and Jesus has me in his arms. Love to you all. Sue
Well - I am in a whiny mood. I just miss Bill so much and feel the grief roll over myself everyday. I really thought that life would get easier, but it really hasn't. I am really leaning on God a lot these days. I keep thinking about what Bill and I were doing and thinking at this time last year and how neither of us knew that anything was wrong. Life was so wonderful and now it isn't. I am glad about the memories
You know, I think I will sign off - this is just too sad. I think I will read my Bible and find one or two things that I am grateful for and happy about and then I'll blog again. Pray for me friends. I am praying all of the time and Jesus has me in his arms. Love to you all. Sue
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Now there is "nothing"
Hello all, Thanks to everyone who helped me get through Bill's birthday week. It was harder than I expected. I think that our birthday is our very own day so when I thought about Bill's birthday I was totally focused on him and, of course, on how much I miss him.
I did have a party. Praise God for my friends in Sequim. Sorry friends in Mercer Island, I wasn't here so the party was in Sequim. I had about 12 friends bring food and wine and mostly their good spirits, warm smiles, and lots of hugs and good stories about Bill. We all agreed that although Bill is very happy where he is at he probably thought that we did a good party. It really helped mom and I get through January 13 because we had the party to look forward to and then to prepare for. Mom and I did talk a lot about Bill and cried a lot. We have decided that we will never understand why he died and left us. We accept that he is with Jesus and that this is a good thing. We don't accept that we had to lose him. I am not sure that makes sense, but it does to me.
I have been really struggling emotionally since the party. It occurred to me on Saturday that there is "nothing" ahead - just days and weeks and months and years without Bill. I set goals to get through Christmas and Advent and then his birthday. Now there is nothing coming in the near future. Setting goals of how to survive and celebrate Bill's life have helped a lot, but now I have to have small goals, daily goals, a lifetime of goals. Jesus is clearly carrying me right now. I just didn't think past Bill's birthday and right now each day feels bleak. I know that this will pass, but boy oh boy - it isn't fun. Fortunately I have good friends who have listened to me and loved me and hugged me. I imagine that I will be calling more friends too.
Mom is feeling better. She isn't totally well yet, but is not sick every day. Today she drove to her church in Renton and that was good. She is pretty depressed and struggles to find meaning in each day when all that she has is a daughter in law who is struggling too. I am hopeful that the nausea will keep fading and that she will continue to gain strength.
I started working on the taxes today. I added up Bill's medical bills. I think that will be the hardest part of the taxes, but maybe the house expenses will be hard too. I want to get them out of the way.
I did set one goal for this year - I would like to read the whole Bible. I googled 365 Bible and found sites where I could read the Bible on line, but I want to read out of Bill's Bible. Then I found a site that started with Genesis and you read straight through to Revelation. That doesn't sound very exciting, but I guess it is one way to do it. Has anyone every done this. I know that you can buy a Bible that divides the reading into 365 days, but again, I have lots of Bibles and I don't want to buy a new one. I am finding a lot of comfort from reading the Bible every day, and just thought this would be a good project. Today in our church Bible class we started a study on the book of Psalms. We read Psalm 1 and I thought about Bill.
Psalm 1:3: He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields it fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither." My sweet tree - drinking in Jesus' love and compassion, sitting at the Master's feet and loving his Lord.
I will talk to you all soon again. Pray that I feel God's hand each day, loving me, grieving my loss with me, and guiding me to me new life and continued relationship with Jesus. Love, Sue
I did have a party. Praise God for my friends in Sequim. Sorry friends in Mercer Island, I wasn't here so the party was in Sequim. I had about 12 friends bring food and wine and mostly their good spirits, warm smiles, and lots of hugs and good stories about Bill. We all agreed that although Bill is very happy where he is at he probably thought that we did a good party. It really helped mom and I get through January 13 because we had the party to look forward to and then to prepare for. Mom and I did talk a lot about Bill and cried a lot. We have decided that we will never understand why he died and left us. We accept that he is with Jesus and that this is a good thing. We don't accept that we had to lose him. I am not sure that makes sense, but it does to me.
I have been really struggling emotionally since the party. It occurred to me on Saturday that there is "nothing" ahead - just days and weeks and months and years without Bill. I set goals to get through Christmas and Advent and then his birthday. Now there is nothing coming in the near future. Setting goals of how to survive and celebrate Bill's life have helped a lot, but now I have to have small goals, daily goals, a lifetime of goals. Jesus is clearly carrying me right now. I just didn't think past Bill's birthday and right now each day feels bleak. I know that this will pass, but boy oh boy - it isn't fun. Fortunately I have good friends who have listened to me and loved me and hugged me. I imagine that I will be calling more friends too.
Mom is feeling better. She isn't totally well yet, but is not sick every day. Today she drove to her church in Renton and that was good. She is pretty depressed and struggles to find meaning in each day when all that she has is a daughter in law who is struggling too. I am hopeful that the nausea will keep fading and that she will continue to gain strength.
I started working on the taxes today. I added up Bill's medical bills. I think that will be the hardest part of the taxes, but maybe the house expenses will be hard too. I want to get them out of the way.
I did set one goal for this year - I would like to read the whole Bible. I googled 365 Bible and found sites where I could read the Bible on line, but I want to read out of Bill's Bible. Then I found a site that started with Genesis and you read straight through to Revelation. That doesn't sound very exciting, but I guess it is one way to do it. Has anyone every done this. I know that you can buy a Bible that divides the reading into 365 days, but again, I have lots of Bibles and I don't want to buy a new one. I am finding a lot of comfort from reading the Bible every day, and just thought this would be a good project. Today in our church Bible class we started a study on the book of Psalms. We read Psalm 1 and I thought about Bill.
Psalm 1:3: He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields it fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither." My sweet tree - drinking in Jesus' love and compassion, sitting at the Master's feet and loving his Lord.
I will talk to you all soon again. Pray that I feel God's hand each day, loving me, grieving my loss with me, and guiding me to me new life and continued relationship with Jesus. Love, Sue
Friday, January 8, 2010
Bill's Birthday
Wow, it has been almost a month since I last talked with you. December was awful. I guess I should have spelled that "aweful". It was full of awe - awe that Jesus was born to save us and that Jesus loves me so much that He personally takes care of me every moment of every day. I would not have survived December without my Savior. I could feel him walking with me. I could feel him hug me and carry me when I thought I couldn't go on. If ever I wondered at the power of Jesus I will not wonder again. I know that my Redeemer lives and what sweet comfort this sentence gives.
Mom is still sick. I, of course, have been super anxious about this and worried that she will die. I pity myself regularly - poor me - losing everyone that I love. Fortunately, the doctors don't agree with me and assure me that she does not have any life threatening illness. Unfortunately they really don't know what is wrong. She is nauseous. She doesn't throw up, and she is awake most of the day, but she feels terrible. You can see it in her face. I feel so badly for her. The doctor gave her some new medicine and told me that he will try a couple of medicines, but if she stays nauseous he will refer her to a gastrolintologist and see what needs to be done. We have a good friend who is a gastrolintologist so I will be taking her to see him. I really hope that we can stop it before it gets to that point because the testing will be very uncomfortable.
The doctors told me to keep going to Sequim - that mom can be sick in Sequim just as easily as she can be sick on Mercer Island. They also told me that she isn't so sick that she cannot be left alone so I should keep working. This is all good, because I have to work, both for my financial health and my mental health. Also, I am no more miserable in Sequim than I am on Mercer Island so I want to go to Sequim.
Bill's 60th birthday is Wednesday, January 13. I was going to throw him a surprise birthday party for the big 60. Well - the surprise is on me. I work Wednesday and I decided to not take the day off from work. I think that I will need lots to distract me and I know that if I sat at home I would cry most of the day. Mom and I will go to Sequim Wednesday night. That takes about 2 hours. I think I have figured out how to fill up just about every second of that day.
I did decide that I didn't want to just let the day pass though. Bill was sweet and lovable and he loved parties. So, I am inviting some friends for a potluck happy hour/supper on Friday the 15th. We will be in Sequim and usually his parties were on Mercer Island so this will be a good thing. I knew that I couldn't organize myself to make food and fortunately I have such great friends that they all agreed to bring something. How lucky can I be. Bill often asked people to donate at his parties for a special charity. I am not going to do that, but I have a charity in mind and I am going to send something to this ministry because I know that Bill would want to do that. I want to do that too. I am also going to give something to the local Sequim food bank. The hungry people always tug at my heart. So, please think happy birthday thoughts and thoughts of love for someone special in your life on Wednesday, January 13. Bill would like that and I will too.
I probably shouldn't play true confessions, but the other big thing in my life right now is sleep medication. I don't really know why this plays such an important part in my life, but it does so I'll share - since you are my most intimate friends. I have been taking sleep medication in order to sleep since Bill died. I was getting close to the end of my prescription and my doctor wouldn't renew it until I went to see him. Boy, just what I wanted to do - another doctor appointment. Well - he said that he would renew the prescription, but wants me to try to not use the medication and suggested that I not use it on the days that I am not going to work the next day. I was frankly quite put out with him. After all, I am the grieving widow. Well, I tried it. The first night wasn't really great - I dreamed a lot, not nightmares, but not great dreams. I also woke up almost every hour, not for long, but enough that it was disruptive. Then, last night I slept through the whole night. I was shocked. Well - I guess that is why my doctor is the doctor and I am not. So - I will keep trying this "natural sleep." Wouldn't it be nice if I could sleep without a drug? Those of you who have lost a spouse know how horrible it is to go to bed - alone. Enough said on that subject - it just makes me sad to think about it.
A very nice friend told me before Christmas that I need to be more social and then she gave me 12 free classes at Jazzercise. I thought about it for a few days and agreed with her. I don't really have lots of time to be social, but she is right - I need to be out with people and I need to start finding some things to do that interest me. So - I went to Jazzercise twice this week. I liked it. I am not so sure how social it is, but it is a great work out and because the exercise is to music and is like dance I sure feel better after the class. I will go to all 12 classes and probably will keep it up after that. I don't plan to start anything "social" soon, but am starting to think about things that I like and whether I am ready to make a commitment to doing some of those things. I was thinking of a gardening club or something along those lines. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you always have someone to do something with and share your interests. Losing Bill wasn't horrible just because I lost him. It is also horrible because I lost all of the things that I enjoyed doing with him. Now I have to decide how to continue those things in other ways.
Last, I went to the symphony with a friend. We also went to a wonderful Thai restaurant for dinner. I love the symphony and enjoyed sharing it with a friend. I had lunch today with another friend. This week the Christmas stuff is still not totally put away, the house didn't get cleaned, and poor mom is still sick. But I am walking forward with my God and my friends. I think that I am starting to think about how I can take care of me and not be too selfish. Praise God for my church community, my friends, and my family. Without all of you I wouldn't have so many choices and feel so much love and support. Enough for now - Love to you all, Sue
Mom is still sick. I, of course, have been super anxious about this and worried that she will die. I pity myself regularly - poor me - losing everyone that I love. Fortunately, the doctors don't agree with me and assure me that she does not have any life threatening illness. Unfortunately they really don't know what is wrong. She is nauseous. She doesn't throw up, and she is awake most of the day, but she feels terrible. You can see it in her face. I feel so badly for her. The doctor gave her some new medicine and told me that he will try a couple of medicines, but if she stays nauseous he will refer her to a gastrolintologist and see what needs to be done. We have a good friend who is a gastrolintologist so I will be taking her to see him. I really hope that we can stop it before it gets to that point because the testing will be very uncomfortable.
The doctors told me to keep going to Sequim - that mom can be sick in Sequim just as easily as she can be sick on Mercer Island. They also told me that she isn't so sick that she cannot be left alone so I should keep working. This is all good, because I have to work, both for my financial health and my mental health. Also, I am no more miserable in Sequim than I am on Mercer Island so I want to go to Sequim.
Bill's 60th birthday is Wednesday, January 13. I was going to throw him a surprise birthday party for the big 60. Well - the surprise is on me. I work Wednesday and I decided to not take the day off from work. I think that I will need lots to distract me and I know that if I sat at home I would cry most of the day. Mom and I will go to Sequim Wednesday night. That takes about 2 hours. I think I have figured out how to fill up just about every second of that day.
I did decide that I didn't want to just let the day pass though. Bill was sweet and lovable and he loved parties. So, I am inviting some friends for a potluck happy hour/supper on Friday the 15th. We will be in Sequim and usually his parties were on Mercer Island so this will be a good thing. I knew that I couldn't organize myself to make food and fortunately I have such great friends that they all agreed to bring something. How lucky can I be. Bill often asked people to donate at his parties for a special charity. I am not going to do that, but I have a charity in mind and I am going to send something to this ministry because I know that Bill would want to do that. I want to do that too. I am also going to give something to the local Sequim food bank. The hungry people always tug at my heart. So, please think happy birthday thoughts and thoughts of love for someone special in your life on Wednesday, January 13. Bill would like that and I will too.
I probably shouldn't play true confessions, but the other big thing in my life right now is sleep medication. I don't really know why this plays such an important part in my life, but it does so I'll share - since you are my most intimate friends. I have been taking sleep medication in order to sleep since Bill died. I was getting close to the end of my prescription and my doctor wouldn't renew it until I went to see him. Boy, just what I wanted to do - another doctor appointment. Well - he said that he would renew the prescription, but wants me to try to not use the medication and suggested that I not use it on the days that I am not going to work the next day. I was frankly quite put out with him. After all, I am the grieving widow. Well, I tried it. The first night wasn't really great - I dreamed a lot, not nightmares, but not great dreams. I also woke up almost every hour, not for long, but enough that it was disruptive. Then, last night I slept through the whole night. I was shocked. Well - I guess that is why my doctor is the doctor and I am not. So - I will keep trying this "natural sleep." Wouldn't it be nice if I could sleep without a drug? Those of you who have lost a spouse know how horrible it is to go to bed - alone. Enough said on that subject - it just makes me sad to think about it.
A very nice friend told me before Christmas that I need to be more social and then she gave me 12 free classes at Jazzercise. I thought about it for a few days and agreed with her. I don't really have lots of time to be social, but she is right - I need to be out with people and I need to start finding some things to do that interest me. So - I went to Jazzercise twice this week. I liked it. I am not so sure how social it is, but it is a great work out and because the exercise is to music and is like dance I sure feel better after the class. I will go to all 12 classes and probably will keep it up after that. I don't plan to start anything "social" soon, but am starting to think about things that I like and whether I am ready to make a commitment to doing some of those things. I was thinking of a gardening club or something along those lines. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you always have someone to do something with and share your interests. Losing Bill wasn't horrible just because I lost him. It is also horrible because I lost all of the things that I enjoyed doing with him. Now I have to decide how to continue those things in other ways.
Last, I went to the symphony with a friend. We also went to a wonderful Thai restaurant for dinner. I love the symphony and enjoyed sharing it with a friend. I had lunch today with another friend. This week the Christmas stuff is still not totally put away, the house didn't get cleaned, and poor mom is still sick. But I am walking forward with my God and my friends. I think that I am starting to think about how I can take care of me and not be too selfish. Praise God for my church community, my friends, and my family. Without all of you I wouldn't have so many choices and feel so much love and support. Enough for now - Love to you all, Sue
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