God is With Us as we suffer

1st Peter1:4-5 and 8-9: God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear. You have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day. then he will save you, just as he has always planned to do.

(8): You have never seen Jesus, and you don't see him now. but still you love him and have faith in him, and no words can tell how glad and happy you are to be saved. That's why you have faith.

I have been thinking about Bill and his demonstration of faith as he faced death. I only hope that my faith is as strong. Bill was not afraid of death at all. Now, I was afraid because I didn't want to lose Bill. But Bill was so confident that frankly he didn't even seem to be thinking about joining Jesus. It seemed that Bill felt like he was already really tight with God and he would just be going to a closer relationship. In fact Bill longed to go to God. He asked God many times a day to just come for him. Bill felt so strongly that he would be be close to God and that the promise was his that he really didn't care about this world at all. The only thing that Bill feared was that he would get sicker and be in more pain. He certainly didn't want that. I told Bill, when he told me this, that I didn't believe that God planned for him to get sicker. In truth I just couldn't see how Bill could be any more miserable and I just felt that God would relieve that misery. I also told Bill that I would be on the phone with the Hospice nurse no matter what time that it was and I wouldn't get off the phone until I had something that would relieve any more "sickness." Bill didn't get sicker. The medicines worked to relieve the misery and then he fell asleep, and then he died. God protected Bill and Bill's faith wrapped around him like a blanket of love and a cocoon of hope.

Today in Bible class we read in Peter and I went back to chapter one and had these verses leap out at me. God has something stored up in heaven for each and every one of us. I think that something is that we will be close to God and spend eternity with him. I feel such comfort from these words. I miss Bill every moment of every day. I long for him to be with me. And at the very same moment I am so happy for him and I look forward to receiving the promise myself. It is true that there really aren't any words for how happy I have always been, all of my life, that I am saved and a member of God's family. So, thank you God for giving us the Bible. It brings me comfort and wisdom during the dreadful time of sadness while I am separated from my loved husband on this earth.

I think I'd better change the subject. I cry a lot and crying is good, but I do want to be able to talk with all of you. I think of you a lot, even when I am not writing. This has been so good for me to know that my friends and family love me, and also that I love all of you so much that I want to tell you what I am thinking.

I went to Sequim for the second time since Bill's death this last weekend. My friend Jeanne joined me on Friday and Saturday so that I wouldn't be alone. That was so helpful. I am thankful to her and her husband for sharing her. I went on Wednesday night and spent Tuesday night loading the truck and telling myself that I could get all this stuff to Sequim and that I am capable to driving the truck and loading and unloading the truck. I did pretty good. I covered my load and it did flap around some. I guess that practice in covering loads will make my covers tighter and less "flappy." The important part, that my load was secure did make me feel proud. Bill would have been proud of how I loaded things and got it all to fit. Kai, the dog, went too and wasn't thrilled to ride in the truck. I was listening to the radio as we drove and of course it was dark so I was paying close attention to the road. When we arrived in Sequim and I safely put the truck in the garage I wondered if I would be too overwhelmed with sadness when I went into the house. But, then Kai threw up on the front seat - placing her load right between the seats and that took care of any sad emotions on my part. By the time I cleaned up her mess and unloaded the food it was 10:00 and I went to bed. Thank you Kai - you keep me from getting too overwhelmed. Kai and I had lovely walks. My friends on Diamond Point visited, spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel welcome. Jeanne listened to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. It was a good beginning. I also took the truck to town and got a load of bark dust to put around the fruit trees, blueberries, and raspberries. There were two lonely raspberries left on the bush. They were delicious. I plan to go back in 2 weeks with my mother in law. If you are reading this and you live close by please think about whether you would like to help me out and go to Sequim with me. I promise that the scenery will be beautiful and that I will clean up all messes. Bill and I typically went on the weekends that I don't work and I plan to keep that up. It is our dream retreat and I know in my heart that it will be part of my healing.

My other project tonight is to get the pictures of Bill's Toyota Corolla on Craig's List so that I can try to sell the car. I have it all cleaned up and it is time to try to see about selling it. Well - actually I plan to actually sell it, not just try to sell it. It is a nice little car and I am sure there is someone who will get some good use from it. I try to do one hard thing a week - if I am successful with uploading the pictures I may let myself call this the one hard thing this week.

Mom is doing fine. I think that she really missed me while I was gone. The quiet of the house really gets to her. It gets to me too. I used to only watch TV or listen to radio once in awhile, but now one of them is on all of the time - I want the background noise. Tonight we had supper together and both agreed that we were glad to be doing that again. We eat together every night now and I really appreciate that she rearranged her life so that I don't have to eat alone.

You know, I really am blessed and I really am lucky. I am grieving and I am sad, but I am so loved and all of you just let me talk and cry and be me. Thank you for being so kind to me. I do not feel alone ever and I am grateful for that. Of course, I do feel the Holy Spirit at all times, but having tangible people who talk to me and pray for me is really wonderful. I love you all. Thank you for being you. Love, Sue