I sold Bill's car today

I am thinking of Luther's hymn where he says that goods, wife, and family are not important - only God. I know that I butchered that phrase - forgive me dear friends.

Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.

So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.

The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.

Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.

I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?

Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.

Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue