Now there is "nothing"

Hello all, Thanks to everyone who helped me get through Bill's birthday week. It was harder than I expected. I think that our birthday is our very own day so when I thought about Bill's birthday I was totally focused on him and, of course, on how much I miss him.

I did have a party. Praise God for my friends in Sequim. Sorry friends in Mercer Island, I wasn't here so the party was in Sequim. I had about 12 friends bring food and wine and mostly their good spirits, warm smiles, and lots of hugs and good stories about Bill. We all agreed that although Bill is very happy where he is at he probably thought that we did a good party. It really helped mom and I get through January 13 because we had the party to look forward to and then to prepare for. Mom and I did talk a lot about Bill and cried a lot. We have decided that we will never understand why he died and left us. We accept that he is with Jesus and that this is a good thing. We don't accept that we had to lose him. I am not sure that makes sense, but it does to me.

I have been really struggling emotionally since the party. It occurred to me on Saturday that there is "nothing" ahead - just days and weeks and months and years without Bill. I set goals to get through Christmas and Advent and then his birthday. Now there is nothing coming in the near future. Setting goals of how to survive and celebrate Bill's life have helped a lot, but now I have to have small goals, daily goals, a lifetime of goals. Jesus is clearly carrying me right now. I just didn't think past Bill's birthday and right now each day feels bleak. I know that this will pass, but boy oh boy - it isn't fun. Fortunately I have good friends who have listened to me and loved me and hugged me. I imagine that I will be calling more friends too.

Mom is feeling better. She isn't totally well yet, but is not sick every day. Today she drove to her church in Renton and that was good. She is pretty depressed and struggles to find meaning in each day when all that she has is a daughter in law who is struggling too. I am hopeful that the nausea will keep fading and that she will continue to gain strength.

I started working on the taxes today. I added up Bill's medical bills. I think that will be the hardest part of the taxes, but maybe the house expenses will be hard too. I want to get them out of the way.

I did set one goal for this year - I would like to read the whole Bible. I googled 365 Bible and found sites where I could read the Bible on line, but I want to read out of Bill's Bible. Then I found a site that started with Genesis and you read straight through to Revelation. That doesn't sound very exciting, but I guess it is one way to do it. Has anyone every done this. I know that you can buy a Bible that divides the reading into 365 days, but again, I have lots of Bibles and I don't want to buy a new one. I am finding a lot of comfort from reading the Bible every day, and just thought this would be a good project. Today in our church Bible class we started a study on the book of Psalms. We read Psalm 1 and I thought about Bill.

Psalm 1:3: He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields it fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither." My sweet tree - drinking in Jesus' love and compassion, sitting at the Master's feet and loving his Lord.

I will talk to you all soon again. Pray that I feel God's hand each day, loving me, grieving my loss with me, and guiding me to me new life and continued relationship with Jesus. Love, Sue

Bill's Birthday

Wow, it has been almost a month since I last talked with you. December was awful. I guess I should have spelled that "aweful". It was full of awe - awe that Jesus was born to save us and that Jesus loves me so much that He personally takes care of me every moment of every day. I would not have survived December without my Savior. I could feel him walking with me. I could feel him hug me and carry me when I thought I couldn't go on. If ever I wondered at the power of Jesus I will not wonder again. I know that my Redeemer lives and what sweet comfort this sentence gives.

Mom is still sick. I, of course, have been super anxious about this and worried that she will die. I pity myself regularly - poor me - losing everyone that I love. Fortunately, the doctors don't agree with me and assure me that she does not have any life threatening illness. Unfortunately they really don't know what is wrong. She is nauseous. She doesn't throw up, and she is awake most of the day, but she feels terrible. You can see it in her face. I feel so badly for her. The doctor gave her some new medicine and told me that he will try a couple of medicines, but if she stays nauseous he will refer her to a gastrolintologist and see what needs to be done. We have a good friend who is a gastrolintologist so I will be taking her to see him. I really hope that we can stop it before it gets to that point because the testing will be very uncomfortable.

The doctors told me to keep going to Sequim - that mom can be sick in Sequim just as easily as she can be sick on Mercer Island. They also told me that she isn't so sick that she cannot be left alone so I should keep working. This is all good, because I have to work, both for my financial health and my mental health. Also, I am no more miserable in Sequim than I am on Mercer Island so I want to go to Sequim.

Bill's 60th birthday is Wednesday, January 13. I was going to throw him a surprise birthday party for the big 60. Well - the surprise is on me. I work Wednesday and I decided to not take the day off from work. I think that I will need lots to distract me and I know that if I sat at home I would cry most of the day. Mom and I will go to Sequim Wednesday night. That takes about 2 hours. I think I have figured out how to fill up just about every second of that day.

I did decide that I didn't want to just let the day pass though. Bill was sweet and lovable and he loved parties. So, I am inviting some friends for a potluck happy hour/supper on Friday the 15th. We will be in Sequim and usually his parties were on Mercer Island so this will be a good thing. I knew that I couldn't organize myself to make food and fortunately I have such great friends that they all agreed to bring something. How lucky can I be. Bill often asked people to donate at his parties for a special charity. I am not going to do that, but I have a charity in mind and I am going to send something to this ministry because I know that Bill would want to do that. I want to do that too. I am also going to give something to the local Sequim food bank. The hungry people always tug at my heart. So, please think happy birthday thoughts and thoughts of love for someone special in your life on Wednesday, January 13. Bill would like that and I will too.

I probably shouldn't play true confessions, but the other big thing in my life right now is sleep medication. I don't really know why this plays such an important part in my life, but it does so I'll share - since you are my most intimate friends. I have been taking sleep medication in order to sleep since Bill died. I was getting close to the end of my prescription and my doctor wouldn't renew it until I went to see him. Boy, just what I wanted to do - another doctor appointment. Well - he said that he would renew the prescription, but wants me to try to not use the medication and suggested that I not use it on the days that I am not going to work the next day. I was frankly quite put out with him. After all, I am the grieving widow. Well, I tried it. The first night wasn't really great - I dreamed a lot, not nightmares, but not great dreams. I also woke up almost every hour, not for long, but enough that it was disruptive. Then, last night I slept through the whole night. I was shocked. Well - I guess that is why my doctor is the doctor and I am not. So - I will keep trying this "natural sleep." Wouldn't it be nice if I could sleep without a drug? Those of you who have lost a spouse know how horrible it is to go to bed - alone. Enough said on that subject - it just makes me sad to think about it.

A very nice friend told me before Christmas that I need to be more social and then she gave me 12 free classes at Jazzercise. I thought about it for a few days and agreed with her. I don't really have lots of time to be social, but she is right - I need to be out with people and I need to start finding some things to do that interest me. So - I went to Jazzercise twice this week. I liked it. I am not so sure how social it is, but it is a great work out and because the exercise is to music and is like dance I sure feel better after the class. I will go to all 12 classes and probably will keep it up after that. I don't plan to start anything "social" soon, but am starting to think about things that I like and whether I am ready to make a commitment to doing some of those things. I was thinking of a gardening club or something along those lines. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you always have someone to do something with and share your interests. Losing Bill wasn't horrible just because I lost him. It is also horrible because I lost all of the things that I enjoyed doing with him. Now I have to decide how to continue those things in other ways.

Last, I went to the symphony with a friend. We also went to a wonderful Thai restaurant for dinner. I love the symphony and enjoyed sharing it with a friend. I had lunch today with another friend. This week the Christmas stuff is still not totally put away, the house didn't get cleaned, and poor mom is still sick. But I am walking forward with my God and my friends. I think that I am starting to think about how I can take care of me and not be too selfish. Praise God for my church community, my friends, and my family. Without all of you I wouldn't have so many choices and feel so much love and support. Enough for now - Love to you all, Sue