Hi friends and family,
I haven't been listening to Christmas carols and have been telling myself that I am just not in the mood. However, Jesus keeps giving me gentle nudges and the other night I thought I would just tune in to our local Christian (or uplifting) radio station. A song had already started and the singer was singing like she was Mary just after Jesus' birth. She sang about wondering how he would show himself as the Savior. It was a simple, sweet, and lovely song. While she sang I thought about the Magnificat (I hope I spelled that right) and how when Mary glorified God she wasn't just saying that she, a Virgin, would be willing to bear the son of God. She was submitting herself to God will and saying that she would trust him with everything. At that moment I realized that I am trusting God to provide everything for me, to keep me faithful, to keep me sane, and to bring me moments of joy, jubilation, comfort, and love. Praise God that He loved us so much that he would come to us through this humble and faithful woman. Even this Christmas there are some good moments. I wanted all of you to know that it isn't all black and painful in my life. There are some smiles and I have even sung along to some of the Christmas songs that I have loved for so many years. Bill, of course, is hamming it up in the Heavenly choir and enjoying the beauty of all those perfectly in tune voices praising God.
So - this week has actually been hard too. Mom is not better and yesterday she was admitted to the hospital. Mom has a shunt in her brain to drain fluid and the doctors were afraid that the shunt had stopped working. I just got back from the hospital and it does now appear that it is NOT the shunt (Thank you Jesus - that would be really serious), but that she may have just gotten dehydrated and gotten her minerals and electrolytes and all of that other human junk all out of whack. They are replacing fluids, doing tests, and the doctor told me that her blood work is showing some improvement and hopefully she will get to come home soon. Her kidneys aren't working well, but they are getting a little better. Please keep mom in your prayers that God will bring her home soon. I love you all very much. Love, Sue
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Christmas is about Jesus
Hello dear friends and family,
First some joy. I have been reading I Thessalonians & read this the other night:
13: "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him....And the dead in Christ will rise first."
I know that I have read that before, but it really made me feel good that Paul would write so clearly about our Christian family who has died. I know that if I am alive when Christ comes again I will be looking for Bill - he will be there with all of the rest of Christ's family. It is nice to feel good about something.
Christmas is hard. There are so many memories, small rituals, "ways" we did things and I am reminded of my loss in hundreds of small ways every day. A Senior citizen counselor told me the other day that someday I will feel a "new normal." I like that idea. I know that I will never be the same again, but a different normal, one that isn't so painful will be nice. Somehow I believe that it will be a long time coming.
Sorry, this is kind of a downer. I did buy presents, and I am wearing my Christmas earrings so I am celebrating some. I am enjoying church - being with my Christian family is very very helpful.
I think that I am also struggling so much because Bill's mom is sick. She spent most of last week sleeping - like 23 hours a day. Yes, I mean that, 23 hours a day. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Frankly I was glad to hear that. I had jumped off the deep end and figured that I was losing her too. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and told us that she should feel better in a day or two. Last weekend was my weekend to work and by Sunday night it was clear to me that she wasn't better. She was still sleeping 23 hours a day. That really was her major symptom, no fever or nausea. So, I took Monday off and we went back to the doctor. He could hear wheezing in her breathing. Mom has Asthma, but hasn't had an episode in over 2 years. Well, she is having an episode now. Fortunately she doesn't have Pneumonia and she has some medications to open up her airways so that she can start to recover from this Asthma episode. Today when I came home she was actually awake. She still feels really crappy, but I am hopeful that she has turned a corner and is starting to recover. I don't mind taking care of her. It was the thought that I might lose her so quickly after losing Bill that frightened me.
Last week was also abnormally cold for Seattle and I worried about losing electricity or that it would snow. Every night I would pray that Jesus would let us keep our electricity and that I wouldn't have to cope with trying to go to work in the snow. I kept telling God that I just couldn't cope with that one more thing. I know - I am a big baby. It just all piled up on me. Gosh - it feels good to say it and let it go. I have been given several small booklets on grief from different people and for some reason I started to read one that a dear friend sent to me recently. Some of the information is helpful - like I am easily overwhelmed. Talking with all of you really helps a lot too. Of course, I do talk to people in person as well, or on the phone. I hope that I remember my whole life how much help phone calls have been and call people who lose someone in the future. I am not the greatest at making the calls, but I do enjoy hearing from people and finding out what is going on in their lives. It reminds me that not everyone is frozen in grief like me and that I will not be frozen in this pain forever. Bill would haunt me if I stayed this sad forever. He is happy. I will settle for some measure of peace. Well - I would like my mother in law to be healthy again too.
Please add my mother in law to your prayers. Pray that God gives her health again and that she and I can get through Christmas remembering my wonderful husband with joy that he is with that lovely baby Jesus. It is such a mixed feeling - missing Bill desperately and being so happy for him. That is where the Bible is so helpful - we have hope and confidence that Jesus died and rose again and Bill and all of the saints will come back when Christ comes again. WOW!
Love to you all, thanks for listening to me. It means a lot to me. Love, Sue
First some joy. I have been reading I Thessalonians & read this the other night:
13: "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him....And the dead in Christ will rise first."
I know that I have read that before, but it really made me feel good that Paul would write so clearly about our Christian family who has died. I know that if I am alive when Christ comes again I will be looking for Bill - he will be there with all of the rest of Christ's family. It is nice to feel good about something.
Christmas is hard. There are so many memories, small rituals, "ways" we did things and I am reminded of my loss in hundreds of small ways every day. A Senior citizen counselor told me the other day that someday I will feel a "new normal." I like that idea. I know that I will never be the same again, but a different normal, one that isn't so painful will be nice. Somehow I believe that it will be a long time coming.
Sorry, this is kind of a downer. I did buy presents, and I am wearing my Christmas earrings so I am celebrating some. I am enjoying church - being with my Christian family is very very helpful.
I think that I am also struggling so much because Bill's mom is sick. She spent most of last week sleeping - like 23 hours a day. Yes, I mean that, 23 hours a day. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Frankly I was glad to hear that. I had jumped off the deep end and figured that I was losing her too. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and told us that she should feel better in a day or two. Last weekend was my weekend to work and by Sunday night it was clear to me that she wasn't better. She was still sleeping 23 hours a day. That really was her major symptom, no fever or nausea. So, I took Monday off and we went back to the doctor. He could hear wheezing in her breathing. Mom has Asthma, but hasn't had an episode in over 2 years. Well, she is having an episode now. Fortunately she doesn't have Pneumonia and she has some medications to open up her airways so that she can start to recover from this Asthma episode. Today when I came home she was actually awake. She still feels really crappy, but I am hopeful that she has turned a corner and is starting to recover. I don't mind taking care of her. It was the thought that I might lose her so quickly after losing Bill that frightened me.
Last week was also abnormally cold for Seattle and I worried about losing electricity or that it would snow. Every night I would pray that Jesus would let us keep our electricity and that I wouldn't have to cope with trying to go to work in the snow. I kept telling God that I just couldn't cope with that one more thing. I know - I am a big baby. It just all piled up on me. Gosh - it feels good to say it and let it go. I have been given several small booklets on grief from different people and for some reason I started to read one that a dear friend sent to me recently. Some of the information is helpful - like I am easily overwhelmed. Talking with all of you really helps a lot too. Of course, I do talk to people in person as well, or on the phone. I hope that I remember my whole life how much help phone calls have been and call people who lose someone in the future. I am not the greatest at making the calls, but I do enjoy hearing from people and finding out what is going on in their lives. It reminds me that not everyone is frozen in grief like me and that I will not be frozen in this pain forever. Bill would haunt me if I stayed this sad forever. He is happy. I will settle for some measure of peace. Well - I would like my mother in law to be healthy again too.
Please add my mother in law to your prayers. Pray that God gives her health again and that she and I can get through Christmas remembering my wonderful husband with joy that he is with that lovely baby Jesus. It is such a mixed feeling - missing Bill desperately and being so happy for him. That is where the Bible is so helpful - we have hope and confidence that Jesus died and rose again and Bill and all of the saints will come back when Christ comes again. WOW!
Love to you all, thanks for listening to me. It means a lot to me. Love, Sue
Saturday, December 5, 2009
First Holidays
Hello dear family and friends,
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.
I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.
Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.
Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.
Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.
I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.
Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.
I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.
I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:
"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.
I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.
Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.
Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.
Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.
I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.
Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.
I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.
I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:
"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue
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