God is With Us as we suffer

1st Peter1:4-5 and 8-9: God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear. You have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day. then he will save you, just as he has always planned to do.

(8): You have never seen Jesus, and you don't see him now. but still you love him and have faith in him, and no words can tell how glad and happy you are to be saved. That's why you have faith.

I have been thinking about Bill and his demonstration of faith as he faced death. I only hope that my faith is as strong. Bill was not afraid of death at all. Now, I was afraid because I didn't want to lose Bill. But Bill was so confident that frankly he didn't even seem to be thinking about joining Jesus. It seemed that Bill felt like he was already really tight with God and he would just be going to a closer relationship. In fact Bill longed to go to God. He asked God many times a day to just come for him. Bill felt so strongly that he would be be close to God and that the promise was his that he really didn't care about this world at all. The only thing that Bill feared was that he would get sicker and be in more pain. He certainly didn't want that. I told Bill, when he told me this, that I didn't believe that God planned for him to get sicker. In truth I just couldn't see how Bill could be any more miserable and I just felt that God would relieve that misery. I also told Bill that I would be on the phone with the Hospice nurse no matter what time that it was and I wouldn't get off the phone until I had something that would relieve any more "sickness." Bill didn't get sicker. The medicines worked to relieve the misery and then he fell asleep, and then he died. God protected Bill and Bill's faith wrapped around him like a blanket of love and a cocoon of hope.

Today in Bible class we read in Peter and I went back to chapter one and had these verses leap out at me. God has something stored up in heaven for each and every one of us. I think that something is that we will be close to God and spend eternity with him. I feel such comfort from these words. I miss Bill every moment of every day. I long for him to be with me. And at the very same moment I am so happy for him and I look forward to receiving the promise myself. It is true that there really aren't any words for how happy I have always been, all of my life, that I am saved and a member of God's family. So, thank you God for giving us the Bible. It brings me comfort and wisdom during the dreadful time of sadness while I am separated from my loved husband on this earth.

I think I'd better change the subject. I cry a lot and crying is good, but I do want to be able to talk with all of you. I think of you a lot, even when I am not writing. This has been so good for me to know that my friends and family love me, and also that I love all of you so much that I want to tell you what I am thinking.

I went to Sequim for the second time since Bill's death this last weekend. My friend Jeanne joined me on Friday and Saturday so that I wouldn't be alone. That was so helpful. I am thankful to her and her husband for sharing her. I went on Wednesday night and spent Tuesday night loading the truck and telling myself that I could get all this stuff to Sequim and that I am capable to driving the truck and loading and unloading the truck. I did pretty good. I covered my load and it did flap around some. I guess that practice in covering loads will make my covers tighter and less "flappy." The important part, that my load was secure did make me feel proud. Bill would have been proud of how I loaded things and got it all to fit. Kai, the dog, went too and wasn't thrilled to ride in the truck. I was listening to the radio as we drove and of course it was dark so I was paying close attention to the road. When we arrived in Sequim and I safely put the truck in the garage I wondered if I would be too overwhelmed with sadness when I went into the house. But, then Kai threw up on the front seat - placing her load right between the seats and that took care of any sad emotions on my part. By the time I cleaned up her mess and unloaded the food it was 10:00 and I went to bed. Thank you Kai - you keep me from getting too overwhelmed. Kai and I had lovely walks. My friends on Diamond Point visited, spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel welcome. Jeanne listened to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. It was a good beginning. I also took the truck to town and got a load of bark dust to put around the fruit trees, blueberries, and raspberries. There were two lonely raspberries left on the bush. They were delicious. I plan to go back in 2 weeks with my mother in law. If you are reading this and you live close by please think about whether you would like to help me out and go to Sequim with me. I promise that the scenery will be beautiful and that I will clean up all messes. Bill and I typically went on the weekends that I don't work and I plan to keep that up. It is our dream retreat and I know in my heart that it will be part of my healing.

My other project tonight is to get the pictures of Bill's Toyota Corolla on Craig's List so that I can try to sell the car. I have it all cleaned up and it is time to try to see about selling it. Well - actually I plan to actually sell it, not just try to sell it. It is a nice little car and I am sure there is someone who will get some good use from it. I try to do one hard thing a week - if I am successful with uploading the pictures I may let myself call this the one hard thing this week.

Mom is doing fine. I think that she really missed me while I was gone. The quiet of the house really gets to her. It gets to me too. I used to only watch TV or listen to radio once in awhile, but now one of them is on all of the time - I want the background noise. Tonight we had supper together and both agreed that we were glad to be doing that again. We eat together every night now and I really appreciate that she rearranged her life so that I don't have to eat alone.

You know, I really am blessed and I really am lucky. I am grieving and I am sad, but I am so loved and all of you just let me talk and cry and be me. Thank you for being so kind to me. I do not feel alone ever and I am grateful for that. Of course, I do feel the Holy Spirit at all times, but having tangible people who talk to me and pray for me is really wonderful. I love you all. Thank you for being you. Love, Sue

To Claim Eternal Peace

I had trouble signing into the blog today and panicked a little because I was afraid that I had lost the blog somehow. That would have made me even more sad than I already am.

I started reading the sympathy cards last week - probably the day after my last blog. I think writing this to all of you gives me courage to do some of the hard stuff. I did so want to thank people who remembered Bill with a memorial and I didn't want to wait forever to do that. Of course, I received much more in the reading of the cards and the lovely, moving messages of love and hope than I gave in thanking people for their memorials. I also learned something about Card quotes. I am curious now about who writes Christian cards and how they select appropriate Bible quotes. I read those quotes and they mean something to me. In a way I hope that even unbelievers are writing the cards so that God can work in their brains and their hearts.

But, the verse from II Corinthians 1:5 spoke to me and on the card it read: "...Through Christ our comfort overflows..." I always look up the verse because often what is before or after has even more meaning. So - I mistakenly looked up I Corinthians 1:5 (the wrong book totally) and read: "For in him you have been enriched in every way -- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge--" I decided that whoever wrote the quote on the Sympathy card "forced" the meaning of I Corinthians 1:5 into "comfort". Then I realized my mistake. But, I decided that God was speaking to me - that I am enriched. I have the knowledge of Jesus and God's grace and gift of salvation. I am firm in my conviction that Bill is resting with Jesus and that I will join both of them and all of the saints when it is my turn. How often have we stood in line waiting to get into something that we want to go to - sometimes not sure if there will be a seat when we get there. I am standing in line and my place is assured. Isn't the Bible wonderful - even when we read the "wrong" verse, it is the right verse.

So the other "right" verse also spoke to me and where I am feeling right now. It actually starts with verse 3: II Corinthians 1:3-6:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (5) For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." It actually goes on to talk about sharing in the suffering and comfort.

I think that I am passing out of the "shock" phase of my horrible tragedy and I am entering the overwhelming, at all times, sad phase. I just plain miss the dear man. I am also putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I am starting to think about a future - like months from now. I reserved an airline ticket to go see my sister and her family and my daughter and son in law in Alaska for next July. Yep - going to go by myself. Of course, they will be on the other end to greet and love me. I have started to think about some other places that I want to go and I am thinking about taking my mother in law out East to see her brothers. She really doesn't enjoy traveling alone anymore. In fact, she doesn't enjoy traveling by air, but I think the desire to see her brothers will overrule her concerns about traveling.

I also bought the first Christmas present for one of my loved ones this week. Yes, Christ was born at Christmas. Without the birth and the birthday party there isn't any salvation. So - yes there will be Christmas of a sorts at the Clements house this year. Well - there will be lots of tears too. Oh gosh - I cry every time I write this blog. Sometimes I just wish that God would bring me home too, but we just don't get that choice. I don't like to be this sad.

My mother in law said it very well - She told her brother that she and I put on a good front, but the days are hard. I can even put on a good front for myself for short spurts, but then I realize that I am alone and I cry. I am so grateful for my friends and family. Your cards, emails, phone calls, and even voice mails are keeping me going. It feels so good to know that you think of me and that you think of mom too.

So - God is our God of compassion and comfort. I cling to His gentle arms and I do find comfort. I miss Bill and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I praise God that I know where Bill is and I know that he has claimed eternal peace. I love you all. Sorry this wasn't so upbeat today - please keep me in your prayers. Love, Sue

The question is Why, The Answer is unknown

Everyday I ask myself why this happened to me. I admit that I am selfish - poor Bill died. He gets no more dreams, no more time to enjoy everything that he wanted. But, Bill got to go to Jesus and I get to stay on earth, but I feel so sad. I lost my best friend, my lover, the person who really thought I was pretty neat. I feel God's presence and love, but truly, I want Bill. I really am selfish. We all long to be with Jesus and here I am wishing that Bill would be back on earth where his eyes would be dry again and he would have aching knees and elbows. So, it feels fine to whine a little, but I do try to not let myself get too weird. I keep having to tell myself that Bill is gone. I guess that is denial - I just keep hoping that he will come back. And, of course, I know that he won't. We won't be together on earth, but we will spend eternity with Jesus and that does make me feel good.

I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.

This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.

So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.

This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.

I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue