Hello dear friends and family,
First some joy. I have been reading I Thessalonians & read this the other night:
13: "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him....And the dead in Christ will rise first."
I know that I have read that before, but it really made me feel good that Paul would write so clearly about our Christian family who has died. I know that if I am alive when Christ comes again I will be looking for Bill - he will be there with all of the rest of Christ's family. It is nice to feel good about something.
Christmas is hard. There are so many memories, small rituals, "ways" we did things and I am reminded of my loss in hundreds of small ways every day. A Senior citizen counselor told me the other day that someday I will feel a "new normal." I like that idea. I know that I will never be the same again, but a different normal, one that isn't so painful will be nice. Somehow I believe that it will be a long time coming.
Sorry, this is kind of a downer. I did buy presents, and I am wearing my Christmas earrings so I am celebrating some. I am enjoying church - being with my Christian family is very very helpful.
I think that I am also struggling so much because Bill's mom is sick. She spent most of last week sleeping - like 23 hours a day. Yes, I mean that, 23 hours a day. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Frankly I was glad to hear that. I had jumped off the deep end and figured that I was losing her too. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and told us that she should feel better in a day or two. Last weekend was my weekend to work and by Sunday night it was clear to me that she wasn't better. She was still sleeping 23 hours a day. That really was her major symptom, no fever or nausea. So, I took Monday off and we went back to the doctor. He could hear wheezing in her breathing. Mom has Asthma, but hasn't had an episode in over 2 years. Well, she is having an episode now. Fortunately she doesn't have Pneumonia and she has some medications to open up her airways so that she can start to recover from this Asthma episode. Today when I came home she was actually awake. She still feels really crappy, but I am hopeful that she has turned a corner and is starting to recover. I don't mind taking care of her. It was the thought that I might lose her so quickly after losing Bill that frightened me.
Last week was also abnormally cold for Seattle and I worried about losing electricity or that it would snow. Every night I would pray that Jesus would let us keep our electricity and that I wouldn't have to cope with trying to go to work in the snow. I kept telling God that I just couldn't cope with that one more thing. I know - I am a big baby. It just all piled up on me. Gosh - it feels good to say it and let it go. I have been given several small booklets on grief from different people and for some reason I started to read one that a dear friend sent to me recently. Some of the information is helpful - like I am easily overwhelmed. Talking with all of you really helps a lot too. Of course, I do talk to people in person as well, or on the phone. I hope that I remember my whole life how much help phone calls have been and call people who lose someone in the future. I am not the greatest at making the calls, but I do enjoy hearing from people and finding out what is going on in their lives. It reminds me that not everyone is frozen in grief like me and that I will not be frozen in this pain forever. Bill would haunt me if I stayed this sad forever. He is happy. I will settle for some measure of peace. Well - I would like my mother in law to be healthy again too.
Please add my mother in law to your prayers. Pray that God gives her health again and that she and I can get through Christmas remembering my wonderful husband with joy that he is with that lovely baby Jesus. It is such a mixed feeling - missing Bill desperately and being so happy for him. That is where the Bible is so helpful - we have hope and confidence that Jesus died and rose again and Bill and all of the saints will come back when Christ comes again. WOW!
Love to you all, thanks for listening to me. It means a lot to me. Love, Sue
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
First Holidays
Hello dear family and friends,
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.
I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.
Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.
Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.
Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.
I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.
Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.
I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.
I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:
"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.
I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.
Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.
Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.
Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.
I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.
Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.
I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.
I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:
"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My oh my - it has been a long time since that I have blogged. I think about talking with you all a lot, but then I don't sit down and actually talk with you.
The first thing that I want to talk about actually happened two weeks ago. Lutheran Ministries Service NW had a most beautiful memorial for Bill. We started with a perfect Lutheran potluck. Bill would have gone straight to the desert table and tried one of everything. Bill did like his deserts. The Harmony Sisters sang while we ate and that was great. Bill really enjoyed their harmonious way of singing and that they loved Jesus so much. Then we all went into the church at Pilgrim Lutheran and had a lovely Memorial Service. Spirit Band led the music part and sang a couple of Bill's favorite songs. Mom and I both cried through the whole service, but it was so nice to sit with the people who supported Bill's prison/hospital ministry and celebrate eternal salvation. I hope that all of the people who support LMSNW know how much Bill enjoyed his aftercare prison ministry and felt that providing support in aftercare was so much a part of Jesus command to support those so much less fortunate than us. Some of those men ministered to Bill. He sometimes told me that he could feel the Holy Spirit working in their lives and how privileged he was to be part of their lives. I doubt that it is easy to give of our limited resources to support this, but so many lovely people do and Bill really appreciated it. Mom and I agreed that although it was hard for us to go, we were glad that we did and now we feel that we have done enough memorials. Bill, I'm sure is totally focused on enjoying himself at Jesus' feet and would agree.
So, I'm writing this from Charlotte, North Carolina. Amanda & I are here for Michael and Tiffany Fremder's wedding last Saturday. Boy was that a beautiful wedding. It was a candlelight wedding and then cocktails and dinner. Yes, they had "shooters", Bloody Mary's with an oyster at the bottom. I took a deep breath, and with Bill in mind (who loved oysters) drank it down. It was good. Amanda and I got to spend lots of time with all of the Fremders and that was wonderful.
We have been able to do some fun tourist things. We have been to two plantations - no they don't look like the one in "Gone With the Wind." The second plantation home was built by a merchant from Philadelphia and he did a replica of a row house. We are flying out late this afternoon and going to a Revolutionary War Hero's home. Yesterday we drove a few hours to Asheville and met Jim and Janice McDaniels and toured Biltmore, the Vanderbilt's home. WOW. It was great to see them too. We have eaten Southern cooking (hush puppies, collard greens, spoon bread) and of course we have had Barbecue.
This has been a good trip for me. I have cried. Well - I cry at odd times anyway, but mostly I have enjoyed myself. I find that Bill comes into the conversation easily and that I enjoy talking about what he and I did and about him. It keeps him alive for me and honors the wonderful life that he and I shared. Amanda has been a wonderful companion (gosh - can you tell that I am proud of her) and has done most of the driving. What more could a mother ask. Her sweet husband calls her 2 - 3 times a week. Isn't that sweet? I guess that cell phones allow romance to stay warm even when you are waltzing your mother around.
I have felt Bill's presence at times too. He tells me to enjoy myself and that he is enjoying the times that I am enjoying. God is so gracious to allow me some sense of my sweet William. Jesus, of course, is walking along with me. Thank you God for comforting me and letting me take this trip and be able to say that I am, for the most part, enjoying myself. I live in the world - I feel all of the emotions that one feels.
Happy Thanksgiving all. Amanda and Ron and Kris, Bob and Megan will be with Mom and I. I talked with Karl yesterday and he will go out (I hope) and get some turkey. Please include us in your prayers as we face this first Thanksgiving dinner without Bill at the head of the table. I know that he is enjoying the heavenly feast. I bet that I will never stop wishing that he could still be with me. Love to you all, Sue
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I sold Bill's car today
I am thinking of Luther's hymn where he says that goods, wife, and family are not important - only God. I know that I butchered that phrase - forgive me dear friends.
Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.
So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.
The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.
Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.
I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?
Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.
Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue
Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.
So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.
The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.
Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.
I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?
Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.
Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue
Sunday, October 25, 2009
God is With Us as we suffer
1st Peter1:4-5 and 8-9: God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear. You have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day. then he will save you, just as he has always planned to do.
(8): You have never seen Jesus, and you don't see him now. but still you love him and have faith in him, and no words can tell how glad and happy you are to be saved. That's why you have faith.
I have been thinking about Bill and his demonstration of faith as he faced death. I only hope that my faith is as strong. Bill was not afraid of death at all. Now, I was afraid because I didn't want to lose Bill. But Bill was so confident that frankly he didn't even seem to be thinking about joining Jesus. It seemed that Bill felt like he was already really tight with God and he would just be going to a closer relationship. In fact Bill longed to go to God. He asked God many times a day to just come for him. Bill felt so strongly that he would be be close to God and that the promise was his that he really didn't care about this world at all. The only thing that Bill feared was that he would get sicker and be in more pain. He certainly didn't want that. I told Bill, when he told me this, that I didn't believe that God planned for him to get sicker. In truth I just couldn't see how Bill could be any more miserable and I just felt that God would relieve that misery. I also told Bill that I would be on the phone with the Hospice nurse no matter what time that it was and I wouldn't get off the phone until I had something that would relieve any more "sickness." Bill didn't get sicker. The medicines worked to relieve the misery and then he fell asleep, and then he died. God protected Bill and Bill's faith wrapped around him like a blanket of love and a cocoon of hope.
Today in Bible class we read in Peter and I went back to chapter one and had these verses leap out at me. God has something stored up in heaven for each and every one of us. I think that something is that we will be close to God and spend eternity with him. I feel such comfort from these words. I miss Bill every moment of every day. I long for him to be with me. And at the very same moment I am so happy for him and I look forward to receiving the promise myself. It is true that there really aren't any words for how happy I have always been, all of my life, that I am saved and a member of God's family. So, thank you God for giving us the Bible. It brings me comfort and wisdom during the dreadful time of sadness while I am separated from my loved husband on this earth.
I think I'd better change the subject. I cry a lot and crying is good, but I do want to be able to talk with all of you. I think of you a lot, even when I am not writing. This has been so good for me to know that my friends and family love me, and also that I love all of you so much that I want to tell you what I am thinking.
I went to Sequim for the second time since Bill's death this last weekend. My friend Jeanne joined me on Friday and Saturday so that I wouldn't be alone. That was so helpful. I am thankful to her and her husband for sharing her. I went on Wednesday night and spent Tuesday night loading the truck and telling myself that I could get all this stuff to Sequim and that I am capable to driving the truck and loading and unloading the truck. I did pretty good. I covered my load and it did flap around some. I guess that practice in covering loads will make my covers tighter and less "flappy." The important part, that my load was secure did make me feel proud. Bill would have been proud of how I loaded things and got it all to fit. Kai, the dog, went too and wasn't thrilled to ride in the truck. I was listening to the radio as we drove and of course it was dark so I was paying close attention to the road. When we arrived in Sequim and I safely put the truck in the garage I wondered if I would be too overwhelmed with sadness when I went into the house. But, then Kai threw up on the front seat - placing her load right between the seats and that took care of any sad emotions on my part. By the time I cleaned up her mess and unloaded the food it was 10:00 and I went to bed. Thank you Kai - you keep me from getting too overwhelmed. Kai and I had lovely walks. My friends on Diamond Point visited, spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel welcome. Jeanne listened to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. It was a good beginning. I also took the truck to town and got a load of bark dust to put around the fruit trees, blueberries, and raspberries. There were two lonely raspberries left on the bush. They were delicious. I plan to go back in 2 weeks with my mother in law. If you are reading this and you live close by please think about whether you would like to help me out and go to Sequim with me. I promise that the scenery will be beautiful and that I will clean up all messes. Bill and I typically went on the weekends that I don't work and I plan to keep that up. It is our dream retreat and I know in my heart that it will be part of my healing.
My other project tonight is to get the pictures of Bill's Toyota Corolla on Craig's List so that I can try to sell the car. I have it all cleaned up and it is time to try to see about selling it. Well - actually I plan to actually sell it, not just try to sell it. It is a nice little car and I am sure there is someone who will get some good use from it. I try to do one hard thing a week - if I am successful with uploading the pictures I may let myself call this the one hard thing this week.
Mom is doing fine. I think that she really missed me while I was gone. The quiet of the house really gets to her. It gets to me too. I used to only watch TV or listen to radio once in awhile, but now one of them is on all of the time - I want the background noise. Tonight we had supper together and both agreed that we were glad to be doing that again. We eat together every night now and I really appreciate that she rearranged her life so that I don't have to eat alone.
You know, I really am blessed and I really am lucky. I am grieving and I am sad, but I am so loved and all of you just let me talk and cry and be me. Thank you for being so kind to me. I do not feel alone ever and I am grateful for that. Of course, I do feel the Holy Spirit at all times, but having tangible people who talk to me and pray for me is really wonderful. I love you all. Thank you for being you. Love, Sue
(8): You have never seen Jesus, and you don't see him now. but still you love him and have faith in him, and no words can tell how glad and happy you are to be saved. That's why you have faith.
I have been thinking about Bill and his demonstration of faith as he faced death. I only hope that my faith is as strong. Bill was not afraid of death at all. Now, I was afraid because I didn't want to lose Bill. But Bill was so confident that frankly he didn't even seem to be thinking about joining Jesus. It seemed that Bill felt like he was already really tight with God and he would just be going to a closer relationship. In fact Bill longed to go to God. He asked God many times a day to just come for him. Bill felt so strongly that he would be be close to God and that the promise was his that he really didn't care about this world at all. The only thing that Bill feared was that he would get sicker and be in more pain. He certainly didn't want that. I told Bill, when he told me this, that I didn't believe that God planned for him to get sicker. In truth I just couldn't see how Bill could be any more miserable and I just felt that God would relieve that misery. I also told Bill that I would be on the phone with the Hospice nurse no matter what time that it was and I wouldn't get off the phone until I had something that would relieve any more "sickness." Bill didn't get sicker. The medicines worked to relieve the misery and then he fell asleep, and then he died. God protected Bill and Bill's faith wrapped around him like a blanket of love and a cocoon of hope.
Today in Bible class we read in Peter and I went back to chapter one and had these verses leap out at me. God has something stored up in heaven for each and every one of us. I think that something is that we will be close to God and spend eternity with him. I feel such comfort from these words. I miss Bill every moment of every day. I long for him to be with me. And at the very same moment I am so happy for him and I look forward to receiving the promise myself. It is true that there really aren't any words for how happy I have always been, all of my life, that I am saved and a member of God's family. So, thank you God for giving us the Bible. It brings me comfort and wisdom during the dreadful time of sadness while I am separated from my loved husband on this earth.
I think I'd better change the subject. I cry a lot and crying is good, but I do want to be able to talk with all of you. I think of you a lot, even when I am not writing. This has been so good for me to know that my friends and family love me, and also that I love all of you so much that I want to tell you what I am thinking.
I went to Sequim for the second time since Bill's death this last weekend. My friend Jeanne joined me on Friday and Saturday so that I wouldn't be alone. That was so helpful. I am thankful to her and her husband for sharing her. I went on Wednesday night and spent Tuesday night loading the truck and telling myself that I could get all this stuff to Sequim and that I am capable to driving the truck and loading and unloading the truck. I did pretty good. I covered my load and it did flap around some. I guess that practice in covering loads will make my covers tighter and less "flappy." The important part, that my load was secure did make me feel proud. Bill would have been proud of how I loaded things and got it all to fit. Kai, the dog, went too and wasn't thrilled to ride in the truck. I was listening to the radio as we drove and of course it was dark so I was paying close attention to the road. When we arrived in Sequim and I safely put the truck in the garage I wondered if I would be too overwhelmed with sadness when I went into the house. But, then Kai threw up on the front seat - placing her load right between the seats and that took care of any sad emotions on my part. By the time I cleaned up her mess and unloaded the food it was 10:00 and I went to bed. Thank you Kai - you keep me from getting too overwhelmed. Kai and I had lovely walks. My friends on Diamond Point visited, spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel welcome. Jeanne listened to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. It was a good beginning. I also took the truck to town and got a load of bark dust to put around the fruit trees, blueberries, and raspberries. There were two lonely raspberries left on the bush. They were delicious. I plan to go back in 2 weeks with my mother in law. If you are reading this and you live close by please think about whether you would like to help me out and go to Sequim with me. I promise that the scenery will be beautiful and that I will clean up all messes. Bill and I typically went on the weekends that I don't work and I plan to keep that up. It is our dream retreat and I know in my heart that it will be part of my healing.
My other project tonight is to get the pictures of Bill's Toyota Corolla on Craig's List so that I can try to sell the car. I have it all cleaned up and it is time to try to see about selling it. Well - actually I plan to actually sell it, not just try to sell it. It is a nice little car and I am sure there is someone who will get some good use from it. I try to do one hard thing a week - if I am successful with uploading the pictures I may let myself call this the one hard thing this week.
Mom is doing fine. I think that she really missed me while I was gone. The quiet of the house really gets to her. It gets to me too. I used to only watch TV or listen to radio once in awhile, but now one of them is on all of the time - I want the background noise. Tonight we had supper together and both agreed that we were glad to be doing that again. We eat together every night now and I really appreciate that she rearranged her life so that I don't have to eat alone.
You know, I really am blessed and I really am lucky. I am grieving and I am sad, but I am so loved and all of you just let me talk and cry and be me. Thank you for being so kind to me. I do not feel alone ever and I am grateful for that. Of course, I do feel the Holy Spirit at all times, but having tangible people who talk to me and pray for me is really wonderful. I love you all. Thank you for being you. Love, Sue
Thursday, October 15, 2009
To Claim Eternal Peace
I had trouble signing into the blog today and panicked a little because I was afraid that I had lost the blog somehow. That would have made me even more sad than I already am.
I started reading the sympathy cards last week - probably the day after my last blog. I think writing this to all of you gives me courage to do some of the hard stuff. I did so want to thank people who remembered Bill with a memorial and I didn't want to wait forever to do that. Of course, I received much more in the reading of the cards and the lovely, moving messages of love and hope than I gave in thanking people for their memorials. I also learned something about Card quotes. I am curious now about who writes Christian cards and how they select appropriate Bible quotes. I read those quotes and they mean something to me. In a way I hope that even unbelievers are writing the cards so that God can work in their brains and their hearts.
But, the verse from II Corinthians 1:5 spoke to me and on the card it read: "...Through Christ our comfort overflows..." I always look up the verse because often what is before or after has even more meaning. So - I mistakenly looked up I Corinthians 1:5 (the wrong book totally) and read: "For in him you have been enriched in every way -- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge--" I decided that whoever wrote the quote on the Sympathy card "forced" the meaning of I Corinthians 1:5 into "comfort". Then I realized my mistake. But, I decided that God was speaking to me - that I am enriched. I have the knowledge of Jesus and God's grace and gift of salvation. I am firm in my conviction that Bill is resting with Jesus and that I will join both of them and all of the saints when it is my turn. How often have we stood in line waiting to get into something that we want to go to - sometimes not sure if there will be a seat when we get there. I am standing in line and my place is assured. Isn't the Bible wonderful - even when we read the "wrong" verse, it is the right verse.
So the other "right" verse also spoke to me and where I am feeling right now. It actually starts with verse 3: II Corinthians 1:3-6:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (5) For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." It actually goes on to talk about sharing in the suffering and comfort.
I think that I am passing out of the "shock" phase of my horrible tragedy and I am entering the overwhelming, at all times, sad phase. I just plain miss the dear man. I am also putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I am starting to think about a future - like months from now. I reserved an airline ticket to go see my sister and her family and my daughter and son in law in Alaska for next July. Yep - going to go by myself. Of course, they will be on the other end to greet and love me. I have started to think about some other places that I want to go and I am thinking about taking my mother in law out East to see her brothers. She really doesn't enjoy traveling alone anymore. In fact, she doesn't enjoy traveling by air, but I think the desire to see her brothers will overrule her concerns about traveling.
I also bought the first Christmas present for one of my loved ones this week. Yes, Christ was born at Christmas. Without the birth and the birthday party there isn't any salvation. So - yes there will be Christmas of a sorts at the Clements house this year. Well - there will be lots of tears too. Oh gosh - I cry every time I write this blog. Sometimes I just wish that God would bring me home too, but we just don't get that choice. I don't like to be this sad.
My mother in law said it very well - She told her brother that she and I put on a good front, but the days are hard. I can even put on a good front for myself for short spurts, but then I realize that I am alone and I cry. I am so grateful for my friends and family. Your cards, emails, phone calls, and even voice mails are keeping me going. It feels so good to know that you think of me and that you think of mom too.
So - God is our God of compassion and comfort. I cling to His gentle arms and I do find comfort. I miss Bill and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I praise God that I know where Bill is and I know that he has claimed eternal peace. I love you all. Sorry this wasn't so upbeat today - please keep me in your prayers. Love, Sue
I started reading the sympathy cards last week - probably the day after my last blog. I think writing this to all of you gives me courage to do some of the hard stuff. I did so want to thank people who remembered Bill with a memorial and I didn't want to wait forever to do that. Of course, I received much more in the reading of the cards and the lovely, moving messages of love and hope than I gave in thanking people for their memorials. I also learned something about Card quotes. I am curious now about who writes Christian cards and how they select appropriate Bible quotes. I read those quotes and they mean something to me. In a way I hope that even unbelievers are writing the cards so that God can work in their brains and their hearts.
But, the verse from II Corinthians 1:5 spoke to me and on the card it read: "...Through Christ our comfort overflows..." I always look up the verse because often what is before or after has even more meaning. So - I mistakenly looked up I Corinthians 1:5 (the wrong book totally) and read: "For in him you have been enriched in every way -- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge--" I decided that whoever wrote the quote on the Sympathy card "forced" the meaning of I Corinthians 1:5 into "comfort". Then I realized my mistake. But, I decided that God was speaking to me - that I am enriched. I have the knowledge of Jesus and God's grace and gift of salvation. I am firm in my conviction that Bill is resting with Jesus and that I will join both of them and all of the saints when it is my turn. How often have we stood in line waiting to get into something that we want to go to - sometimes not sure if there will be a seat when we get there. I am standing in line and my place is assured. Isn't the Bible wonderful - even when we read the "wrong" verse, it is the right verse.
So the other "right" verse also spoke to me and where I am feeling right now. It actually starts with verse 3: II Corinthians 1:3-6:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (5) For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." It actually goes on to talk about sharing in the suffering and comfort.
I think that I am passing out of the "shock" phase of my horrible tragedy and I am entering the overwhelming, at all times, sad phase. I just plain miss the dear man. I am also putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I am starting to think about a future - like months from now. I reserved an airline ticket to go see my sister and her family and my daughter and son in law in Alaska for next July. Yep - going to go by myself. Of course, they will be on the other end to greet and love me. I have started to think about some other places that I want to go and I am thinking about taking my mother in law out East to see her brothers. She really doesn't enjoy traveling alone anymore. In fact, she doesn't enjoy traveling by air, but I think the desire to see her brothers will overrule her concerns about traveling.
I also bought the first Christmas present for one of my loved ones this week. Yes, Christ was born at Christmas. Without the birth and the birthday party there isn't any salvation. So - yes there will be Christmas of a sorts at the Clements house this year. Well - there will be lots of tears too. Oh gosh - I cry every time I write this blog. Sometimes I just wish that God would bring me home too, but we just don't get that choice. I don't like to be this sad.
My mother in law said it very well - She told her brother that she and I put on a good front, but the days are hard. I can even put on a good front for myself for short spurts, but then I realize that I am alone and I cry. I am so grateful for my friends and family. Your cards, emails, phone calls, and even voice mails are keeping me going. It feels so good to know that you think of me and that you think of mom too.
So - God is our God of compassion and comfort. I cling to His gentle arms and I do find comfort. I miss Bill and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I praise God that I know where Bill is and I know that he has claimed eternal peace. I love you all. Sorry this wasn't so upbeat today - please keep me in your prayers. Love, Sue
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The question is Why, The Answer is unknown
Everyday I ask myself why this happened to me. I admit that I am selfish - poor Bill died. He gets no more dreams, no more time to enjoy everything that he wanted. But, Bill got to go to Jesus and I get to stay on earth, but I feel so sad. I lost my best friend, my lover, the person who really thought I was pretty neat. I feel God's presence and love, but truly, I want Bill. I really am selfish. We all long to be with Jesus and here I am wishing that Bill would be back on earth where his eyes would be dry again and he would have aching knees and elbows. So, it feels fine to whine a little, but I do try to not let myself get too weird. I keep having to tell myself that Bill is gone. I guess that is denial - I just keep hoping that he will come back. And, of course, I know that he won't. We won't be together on earth, but we will spend eternity with Jesus and that does make me feel good.
I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.
This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.
So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.
This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.
I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue
I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.
This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.
So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.
This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.
I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue
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