Hello all, Thanks to everyone who helped me get through Bill's birthday week. It was harder than I expected. I think that our birthday is our very own day so when I thought about Bill's birthday I was totally focused on him and, of course, on how much I miss him.
I did have a party. Praise God for my friends in Sequim. Sorry friends in Mercer Island, I wasn't here so the party was in Sequim. I had about 12 friends bring food and wine and mostly their good spirits, warm smiles, and lots of hugs and good stories about Bill. We all agreed that although Bill is very happy where he is at he probably thought that we did a good party. It really helped mom and I get through January 13 because we had the party to look forward to and then to prepare for. Mom and I did talk a lot about Bill and cried a lot. We have decided that we will never understand why he died and left us. We accept that he is with Jesus and that this is a good thing. We don't accept that we had to lose him. I am not sure that makes sense, but it does to me.
I have been really struggling emotionally since the party. It occurred to me on Saturday that there is "nothing" ahead - just days and weeks and months and years without Bill. I set goals to get through Christmas and Advent and then his birthday. Now there is nothing coming in the near future. Setting goals of how to survive and celebrate Bill's life have helped a lot, but now I have to have small goals, daily goals, a lifetime of goals. Jesus is clearly carrying me right now. I just didn't think past Bill's birthday and right now each day feels bleak. I know that this will pass, but boy oh boy - it isn't fun. Fortunately I have good friends who have listened to me and loved me and hugged me. I imagine that I will be calling more friends too.
Mom is feeling better. She isn't totally well yet, but is not sick every day. Today she drove to her church in Renton and that was good. She is pretty depressed and struggles to find meaning in each day when all that she has is a daughter in law who is struggling too. I am hopeful that the nausea will keep fading and that she will continue to gain strength.
I started working on the taxes today. I added up Bill's medical bills. I think that will be the hardest part of the taxes, but maybe the house expenses will be hard too. I want to get them out of the way.
I did set one goal for this year - I would like to read the whole Bible. I googled 365 Bible and found sites where I could read the Bible on line, but I want to read out of Bill's Bible. Then I found a site that started with Genesis and you read straight through to Revelation. That doesn't sound very exciting, but I guess it is one way to do it. Has anyone every done this. I know that you can buy a Bible that divides the reading into 365 days, but again, I have lots of Bibles and I don't want to buy a new one. I am finding a lot of comfort from reading the Bible every day, and just thought this would be a good project. Today in our church Bible class we started a study on the book of Psalms. We read Psalm 1 and I thought about Bill.
Psalm 1:3: He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields it fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither." My sweet tree - drinking in Jesus' love and compassion, sitting at the Master's feet and loving his Lord.
I will talk to you all soon again. Pray that I feel God's hand each day, loving me, grieving my loss with me, and guiding me to me new life and continued relationship with Jesus. Love, Sue
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Bill's Birthday
Wow, it has been almost a month since I last talked with you. December was awful. I guess I should have spelled that "aweful". It was full of awe - awe that Jesus was born to save us and that Jesus loves me so much that He personally takes care of me every moment of every day. I would not have survived December without my Savior. I could feel him walking with me. I could feel him hug me and carry me when I thought I couldn't go on. If ever I wondered at the power of Jesus I will not wonder again. I know that my Redeemer lives and what sweet comfort this sentence gives.
Mom is still sick. I, of course, have been super anxious about this and worried that she will die. I pity myself regularly - poor me - losing everyone that I love. Fortunately, the doctors don't agree with me and assure me that she does not have any life threatening illness. Unfortunately they really don't know what is wrong. She is nauseous. She doesn't throw up, and she is awake most of the day, but she feels terrible. You can see it in her face. I feel so badly for her. The doctor gave her some new medicine and told me that he will try a couple of medicines, but if she stays nauseous he will refer her to a gastrolintologist and see what needs to be done. We have a good friend who is a gastrolintologist so I will be taking her to see him. I really hope that we can stop it before it gets to that point because the testing will be very uncomfortable.
The doctors told me to keep going to Sequim - that mom can be sick in Sequim just as easily as she can be sick on Mercer Island. They also told me that she isn't so sick that she cannot be left alone so I should keep working. This is all good, because I have to work, both for my financial health and my mental health. Also, I am no more miserable in Sequim than I am on Mercer Island so I want to go to Sequim.
Bill's 60th birthday is Wednesday, January 13. I was going to throw him a surprise birthday party for the big 60. Well - the surprise is on me. I work Wednesday and I decided to not take the day off from work. I think that I will need lots to distract me and I know that if I sat at home I would cry most of the day. Mom and I will go to Sequim Wednesday night. That takes about 2 hours. I think I have figured out how to fill up just about every second of that day.
I did decide that I didn't want to just let the day pass though. Bill was sweet and lovable and he loved parties. So, I am inviting some friends for a potluck happy hour/supper on Friday the 15th. We will be in Sequim and usually his parties were on Mercer Island so this will be a good thing. I knew that I couldn't organize myself to make food and fortunately I have such great friends that they all agreed to bring something. How lucky can I be. Bill often asked people to donate at his parties for a special charity. I am not going to do that, but I have a charity in mind and I am going to send something to this ministry because I know that Bill would want to do that. I want to do that too. I am also going to give something to the local Sequim food bank. The hungry people always tug at my heart. So, please think happy birthday thoughts and thoughts of love for someone special in your life on Wednesday, January 13. Bill would like that and I will too.
I probably shouldn't play true confessions, but the other big thing in my life right now is sleep medication. I don't really know why this plays such an important part in my life, but it does so I'll share - since you are my most intimate friends. I have been taking sleep medication in order to sleep since Bill died. I was getting close to the end of my prescription and my doctor wouldn't renew it until I went to see him. Boy, just what I wanted to do - another doctor appointment. Well - he said that he would renew the prescription, but wants me to try to not use the medication and suggested that I not use it on the days that I am not going to work the next day. I was frankly quite put out with him. After all, I am the grieving widow. Well, I tried it. The first night wasn't really great - I dreamed a lot, not nightmares, but not great dreams. I also woke up almost every hour, not for long, but enough that it was disruptive. Then, last night I slept through the whole night. I was shocked. Well - I guess that is why my doctor is the doctor and I am not. So - I will keep trying this "natural sleep." Wouldn't it be nice if I could sleep without a drug? Those of you who have lost a spouse know how horrible it is to go to bed - alone. Enough said on that subject - it just makes me sad to think about it.
A very nice friend told me before Christmas that I need to be more social and then she gave me 12 free classes at Jazzercise. I thought about it for a few days and agreed with her. I don't really have lots of time to be social, but she is right - I need to be out with people and I need to start finding some things to do that interest me. So - I went to Jazzercise twice this week. I liked it. I am not so sure how social it is, but it is a great work out and because the exercise is to music and is like dance I sure feel better after the class. I will go to all 12 classes and probably will keep it up after that. I don't plan to start anything "social" soon, but am starting to think about things that I like and whether I am ready to make a commitment to doing some of those things. I was thinking of a gardening club or something along those lines. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you always have someone to do something with and share your interests. Losing Bill wasn't horrible just because I lost him. It is also horrible because I lost all of the things that I enjoyed doing with him. Now I have to decide how to continue those things in other ways.
Last, I went to the symphony with a friend. We also went to a wonderful Thai restaurant for dinner. I love the symphony and enjoyed sharing it with a friend. I had lunch today with another friend. This week the Christmas stuff is still not totally put away, the house didn't get cleaned, and poor mom is still sick. But I am walking forward with my God and my friends. I think that I am starting to think about how I can take care of me and not be too selfish. Praise God for my church community, my friends, and my family. Without all of you I wouldn't have so many choices and feel so much love and support. Enough for now - Love to you all, Sue
Mom is still sick. I, of course, have been super anxious about this and worried that she will die. I pity myself regularly - poor me - losing everyone that I love. Fortunately, the doctors don't agree with me and assure me that she does not have any life threatening illness. Unfortunately they really don't know what is wrong. She is nauseous. She doesn't throw up, and she is awake most of the day, but she feels terrible. You can see it in her face. I feel so badly for her. The doctor gave her some new medicine and told me that he will try a couple of medicines, but if she stays nauseous he will refer her to a gastrolintologist and see what needs to be done. We have a good friend who is a gastrolintologist so I will be taking her to see him. I really hope that we can stop it before it gets to that point because the testing will be very uncomfortable.
The doctors told me to keep going to Sequim - that mom can be sick in Sequim just as easily as she can be sick on Mercer Island. They also told me that she isn't so sick that she cannot be left alone so I should keep working. This is all good, because I have to work, both for my financial health and my mental health. Also, I am no more miserable in Sequim than I am on Mercer Island so I want to go to Sequim.
Bill's 60th birthday is Wednesday, January 13. I was going to throw him a surprise birthday party for the big 60. Well - the surprise is on me. I work Wednesday and I decided to not take the day off from work. I think that I will need lots to distract me and I know that if I sat at home I would cry most of the day. Mom and I will go to Sequim Wednesday night. That takes about 2 hours. I think I have figured out how to fill up just about every second of that day.
I did decide that I didn't want to just let the day pass though. Bill was sweet and lovable and he loved parties. So, I am inviting some friends for a potluck happy hour/supper on Friday the 15th. We will be in Sequim and usually his parties were on Mercer Island so this will be a good thing. I knew that I couldn't organize myself to make food and fortunately I have such great friends that they all agreed to bring something. How lucky can I be. Bill often asked people to donate at his parties for a special charity. I am not going to do that, but I have a charity in mind and I am going to send something to this ministry because I know that Bill would want to do that. I want to do that too. I am also going to give something to the local Sequim food bank. The hungry people always tug at my heart. So, please think happy birthday thoughts and thoughts of love for someone special in your life on Wednesday, January 13. Bill would like that and I will too.
I probably shouldn't play true confessions, but the other big thing in my life right now is sleep medication. I don't really know why this plays such an important part in my life, but it does so I'll share - since you are my most intimate friends. I have been taking sleep medication in order to sleep since Bill died. I was getting close to the end of my prescription and my doctor wouldn't renew it until I went to see him. Boy, just what I wanted to do - another doctor appointment. Well - he said that he would renew the prescription, but wants me to try to not use the medication and suggested that I not use it on the days that I am not going to work the next day. I was frankly quite put out with him. After all, I am the grieving widow. Well, I tried it. The first night wasn't really great - I dreamed a lot, not nightmares, but not great dreams. I also woke up almost every hour, not for long, but enough that it was disruptive. Then, last night I slept through the whole night. I was shocked. Well - I guess that is why my doctor is the doctor and I am not. So - I will keep trying this "natural sleep." Wouldn't it be nice if I could sleep without a drug? Those of you who have lost a spouse know how horrible it is to go to bed - alone. Enough said on that subject - it just makes me sad to think about it.
A very nice friend told me before Christmas that I need to be more social and then she gave me 12 free classes at Jazzercise. I thought about it for a few days and agreed with her. I don't really have lots of time to be social, but she is right - I need to be out with people and I need to start finding some things to do that interest me. So - I went to Jazzercise twice this week. I liked it. I am not so sure how social it is, but it is a great work out and because the exercise is to music and is like dance I sure feel better after the class. I will go to all 12 classes and probably will keep it up after that. I don't plan to start anything "social" soon, but am starting to think about things that I like and whether I am ready to make a commitment to doing some of those things. I was thinking of a gardening club or something along those lines. One of the beautiful things about marriage is that you always have someone to do something with and share your interests. Losing Bill wasn't horrible just because I lost him. It is also horrible because I lost all of the things that I enjoyed doing with him. Now I have to decide how to continue those things in other ways.
Last, I went to the symphony with a friend. We also went to a wonderful Thai restaurant for dinner. I love the symphony and enjoyed sharing it with a friend. I had lunch today with another friend. This week the Christmas stuff is still not totally put away, the house didn't get cleaned, and poor mom is still sick. But I am walking forward with my God and my friends. I think that I am starting to think about how I can take care of me and not be too selfish. Praise God for my church community, my friends, and my family. Without all of you I wouldn't have so many choices and feel so much love and support. Enough for now - Love to you all, Sue
Saturday, December 19, 2009
"I am the Lord's servant"
Hi friends and family,
I haven't been listening to Christmas carols and have been telling myself that I am just not in the mood. However, Jesus keeps giving me gentle nudges and the other night I thought I would just tune in to our local Christian (or uplifting) radio station. A song had already started and the singer was singing like she was Mary just after Jesus' birth. She sang about wondering how he would show himself as the Savior. It was a simple, sweet, and lovely song. While she sang I thought about the Magnificat (I hope I spelled that right) and how when Mary glorified God she wasn't just saying that she, a Virgin, would be willing to bear the son of God. She was submitting herself to God will and saying that she would trust him with everything. At that moment I realized that I am trusting God to provide everything for me, to keep me faithful, to keep me sane, and to bring me moments of joy, jubilation, comfort, and love. Praise God that He loved us so much that he would come to us through this humble and faithful woman. Even this Christmas there are some good moments. I wanted all of you to know that it isn't all black and painful in my life. There are some smiles and I have even sung along to some of the Christmas songs that I have loved for so many years. Bill, of course, is hamming it up in the Heavenly choir and enjoying the beauty of all those perfectly in tune voices praising God.
So - this week has actually been hard too. Mom is not better and yesterday she was admitted to the hospital. Mom has a shunt in her brain to drain fluid and the doctors were afraid that the shunt had stopped working. I just got back from the hospital and it does now appear that it is NOT the shunt (Thank you Jesus - that would be really serious), but that she may have just gotten dehydrated and gotten her minerals and electrolytes and all of that other human junk all out of whack. They are replacing fluids, doing tests, and the doctor told me that her blood work is showing some improvement and hopefully she will get to come home soon. Her kidneys aren't working well, but they are getting a little better. Please keep mom in your prayers that God will bring her home soon. I love you all very much. Love, Sue
I haven't been listening to Christmas carols and have been telling myself that I am just not in the mood. However, Jesus keeps giving me gentle nudges and the other night I thought I would just tune in to our local Christian (or uplifting) radio station. A song had already started and the singer was singing like she was Mary just after Jesus' birth. She sang about wondering how he would show himself as the Savior. It was a simple, sweet, and lovely song. While she sang I thought about the Magnificat (I hope I spelled that right) and how when Mary glorified God she wasn't just saying that she, a Virgin, would be willing to bear the son of God. She was submitting herself to God will and saying that she would trust him with everything. At that moment I realized that I am trusting God to provide everything for me, to keep me faithful, to keep me sane, and to bring me moments of joy, jubilation, comfort, and love. Praise God that He loved us so much that he would come to us through this humble and faithful woman. Even this Christmas there are some good moments. I wanted all of you to know that it isn't all black and painful in my life. There are some smiles and I have even sung along to some of the Christmas songs that I have loved for so many years. Bill, of course, is hamming it up in the Heavenly choir and enjoying the beauty of all those perfectly in tune voices praising God.
So - this week has actually been hard too. Mom is not better and yesterday she was admitted to the hospital. Mom has a shunt in her brain to drain fluid and the doctors were afraid that the shunt had stopped working. I just got back from the hospital and it does now appear that it is NOT the shunt (Thank you Jesus - that would be really serious), but that she may have just gotten dehydrated and gotten her minerals and electrolytes and all of that other human junk all out of whack. They are replacing fluids, doing tests, and the doctor told me that her blood work is showing some improvement and hopefully she will get to come home soon. Her kidneys aren't working well, but they are getting a little better. Please keep mom in your prayers that God will bring her home soon. I love you all very much. Love, Sue
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Christmas is about Jesus
Hello dear friends and family,
First some joy. I have been reading I Thessalonians & read this the other night:
13: "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him....And the dead in Christ will rise first."
I know that I have read that before, but it really made me feel good that Paul would write so clearly about our Christian family who has died. I know that if I am alive when Christ comes again I will be looking for Bill - he will be there with all of the rest of Christ's family. It is nice to feel good about something.
Christmas is hard. There are so many memories, small rituals, "ways" we did things and I am reminded of my loss in hundreds of small ways every day. A Senior citizen counselor told me the other day that someday I will feel a "new normal." I like that idea. I know that I will never be the same again, but a different normal, one that isn't so painful will be nice. Somehow I believe that it will be a long time coming.
Sorry, this is kind of a downer. I did buy presents, and I am wearing my Christmas earrings so I am celebrating some. I am enjoying church - being with my Christian family is very very helpful.
I think that I am also struggling so much because Bill's mom is sick. She spent most of last week sleeping - like 23 hours a day. Yes, I mean that, 23 hours a day. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Frankly I was glad to hear that. I had jumped off the deep end and figured that I was losing her too. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and told us that she should feel better in a day or two. Last weekend was my weekend to work and by Sunday night it was clear to me that she wasn't better. She was still sleeping 23 hours a day. That really was her major symptom, no fever or nausea. So, I took Monday off and we went back to the doctor. He could hear wheezing in her breathing. Mom has Asthma, but hasn't had an episode in over 2 years. Well, she is having an episode now. Fortunately she doesn't have Pneumonia and she has some medications to open up her airways so that she can start to recover from this Asthma episode. Today when I came home she was actually awake. She still feels really crappy, but I am hopeful that she has turned a corner and is starting to recover. I don't mind taking care of her. It was the thought that I might lose her so quickly after losing Bill that frightened me.
Last week was also abnormally cold for Seattle and I worried about losing electricity or that it would snow. Every night I would pray that Jesus would let us keep our electricity and that I wouldn't have to cope with trying to go to work in the snow. I kept telling God that I just couldn't cope with that one more thing. I know - I am a big baby. It just all piled up on me. Gosh - it feels good to say it and let it go. I have been given several small booklets on grief from different people and for some reason I started to read one that a dear friend sent to me recently. Some of the information is helpful - like I am easily overwhelmed. Talking with all of you really helps a lot too. Of course, I do talk to people in person as well, or on the phone. I hope that I remember my whole life how much help phone calls have been and call people who lose someone in the future. I am not the greatest at making the calls, but I do enjoy hearing from people and finding out what is going on in their lives. It reminds me that not everyone is frozen in grief like me and that I will not be frozen in this pain forever. Bill would haunt me if I stayed this sad forever. He is happy. I will settle for some measure of peace. Well - I would like my mother in law to be healthy again too.
Please add my mother in law to your prayers. Pray that God gives her health again and that she and I can get through Christmas remembering my wonderful husband with joy that he is with that lovely baby Jesus. It is such a mixed feeling - missing Bill desperately and being so happy for him. That is where the Bible is so helpful - we have hope and confidence that Jesus died and rose again and Bill and all of the saints will come back when Christ comes again. WOW!
Love to you all, thanks for listening to me. It means a lot to me. Love, Sue
First some joy. I have been reading I Thessalonians & read this the other night:
13: "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him....And the dead in Christ will rise first."
I know that I have read that before, but it really made me feel good that Paul would write so clearly about our Christian family who has died. I know that if I am alive when Christ comes again I will be looking for Bill - he will be there with all of the rest of Christ's family. It is nice to feel good about something.
Christmas is hard. There are so many memories, small rituals, "ways" we did things and I am reminded of my loss in hundreds of small ways every day. A Senior citizen counselor told me the other day that someday I will feel a "new normal." I like that idea. I know that I will never be the same again, but a different normal, one that isn't so painful will be nice. Somehow I believe that it will be a long time coming.
Sorry, this is kind of a downer. I did buy presents, and I am wearing my Christmas earrings so I am celebrating some. I am enjoying church - being with my Christian family is very very helpful.
I think that I am also struggling so much because Bill's mom is sick. She spent most of last week sleeping - like 23 hours a day. Yes, I mean that, 23 hours a day. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she has a Urinary Tract Infection. Frankly I was glad to hear that. I had jumped off the deep end and figured that I was losing her too. The doctor gave her some antibiotics and told us that she should feel better in a day or two. Last weekend was my weekend to work and by Sunday night it was clear to me that she wasn't better. She was still sleeping 23 hours a day. That really was her major symptom, no fever or nausea. So, I took Monday off and we went back to the doctor. He could hear wheezing in her breathing. Mom has Asthma, but hasn't had an episode in over 2 years. Well, she is having an episode now. Fortunately she doesn't have Pneumonia and she has some medications to open up her airways so that she can start to recover from this Asthma episode. Today when I came home she was actually awake. She still feels really crappy, but I am hopeful that she has turned a corner and is starting to recover. I don't mind taking care of her. It was the thought that I might lose her so quickly after losing Bill that frightened me.
Last week was also abnormally cold for Seattle and I worried about losing electricity or that it would snow. Every night I would pray that Jesus would let us keep our electricity and that I wouldn't have to cope with trying to go to work in the snow. I kept telling God that I just couldn't cope with that one more thing. I know - I am a big baby. It just all piled up on me. Gosh - it feels good to say it and let it go. I have been given several small booklets on grief from different people and for some reason I started to read one that a dear friend sent to me recently. Some of the information is helpful - like I am easily overwhelmed. Talking with all of you really helps a lot too. Of course, I do talk to people in person as well, or on the phone. I hope that I remember my whole life how much help phone calls have been and call people who lose someone in the future. I am not the greatest at making the calls, but I do enjoy hearing from people and finding out what is going on in their lives. It reminds me that not everyone is frozen in grief like me and that I will not be frozen in this pain forever. Bill would haunt me if I stayed this sad forever. He is happy. I will settle for some measure of peace. Well - I would like my mother in law to be healthy again too.
Please add my mother in law to your prayers. Pray that God gives her health again and that she and I can get through Christmas remembering my wonderful husband with joy that he is with that lovely baby Jesus. It is such a mixed feeling - missing Bill desperately and being so happy for him. That is where the Bible is so helpful - we have hope and confidence that Jesus died and rose again and Bill and all of the saints will come back when Christ comes again. WOW!
Love to you all, thanks for listening to me. It means a lot to me. Love, Sue
Saturday, December 5, 2009
First Holidays
Hello dear family and friends,
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.
I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.
Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.
Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.
Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.
I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.
Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.
I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.
I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:
"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above." James 1:1:17.
I love Christmas. I love to think about and pray about Jesus' birth. The thought that Jesus humbled himself to live a life like mine and suffer all that I suffer just so that He could give me eternal life has always filled me with awe. I know that Bill is sitting at Jesus' feet and soaking up His love and wisdom like a sponge. I feel so divided this year. I still look forward to singing Silent Night and loving my Savior. At the same time I feel horrifically sad and the tears just flow. I miss him. I love him. My Christmas will have to be very Jesus focused this year because my heart is broken. As I write this I am immediately reminded that I am so blessed. First, I met Bill and I loved Bill and most of all, he loved me. God gave me a most precious gift and I would never have turned the gift of my sweet Bill down to avoid the pain I feel now.
Thanksgiving was actually okay. I received a card from some friends who said that they were praying for me and my family during the holidays, but they hoped that I have established some kind of routine and that the routine is helping somewhat. Boy - did God talk to me in that card. Yes, I do have some kind of routine and in fact my routine was too much for me in the morning so I even got flexible and moved my exercise and lunch for work making to the evening and it is a better routine. Routine helps so much. This year my life has been unpredictable and I am grateful that the dog greets me at the door (her whole body wriggling with joy), that my mother in law makes and cleans up dinner, and that I have an exercise bike to ride. I won't bore you with the rest of my routine. Just know that it helps and it took a friend to point that out to me. Keep writing, keep emailing, keep calling. You are my life line.
Amanda & I had a good time in North Carolina. Yes, I cried through Michael's wedding. But, at least some of those tears were tears of joy. Michael looked so happy when Tiffany walked down the aisle and a wedding is a good thing - an event blessed by God and enjoyed by all. A highlight of the reception was that I got to hold Mathew and Angie's youngest daughter for much of the time. A new baby is so sweet (and heavy after awhile). It also gave me something to do and made the reception fun. Amanda & I saw 2 plantations, one Revolutionary War veteran's home, and The Biltmore. North Carolina is a beautiful state. I often felt the constant underlying sadness of my life, but I had many good moments and Amanda was fun and tolerant of my anxiousness.
Ron joined us when me flew home on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Somehow I had promised a prime rib for Thanksgiving and then a real Thanksgiving when my sister and family arrived on Friday. I have never cooked a prime rib & let me tell you - that is one expensive piece of meat. Fortunately, Jim McDaniels came to my rescue with a great recipe & the prime was prime. (Corny joke - I know). I really enjoyed having my family with me and I was able to be thankful for a few things on that day. Going to church continues to be difficult - I just keep expecting to see Bill at the front of the church. But, I wouldn't miss services and time with my church family and they are being wonderful. I get lots of hugs and lots of love.
I am looking forward to having Karl home with me at Christmas and Amanda and Ron arrive Dec 23.
Mom and I went to Sequim this weekend and I got to walk with two friends. That was very nice. Bill and I walked so much and it is lonely to walk the dog alone. Still - Kai is good company and I love her. I talked with some other friends about Bill's birthday (January 13) and I have decided to have a pot luck party for Bill/me in Sequim the weekend after his birthday. I am going to just call everyone out there that I can think of and tell them to bring something. Bill would have been 60 and I was planning a surprise birthday party for him. Well - the surprise is on me. Bill loved his parties so we are going to laugh and cry and eat - all good Lutheran things.
I will post more through out Christmas. Tomorrow mom and I will decorate the tree and I'll get a few things down for Christmas. I love my manger sets so I definitely will get those down. Jesus will be born and praise God for that.
I'll leave you with this thought. Bill owned several Bibles and they are scattered around both homes. I enjoy picking up one of his Bibles to see what he was reading at some time in the last year. This weekend I picked up the Bible on his night stand in Sequim. He was at the beginning of I Thessalonians. Of course God spoke to me through my reading. Paul wrote:
"We always thankGod for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." I Thessalonians 1:2,3. I thought about Bill and how hopeful he was about joining the faithful with Christ. Then I thought about all of you and how much you have given of yourselves to me. Thank you isn't really adequate. May God richly bless each and every one of you in your spiritual life. May you grow close to Jesus like Bill did so that in the end you also are joyful in anticipation of eternal life. Love, Sue
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My oh my - it has been a long time since that I have blogged. I think about talking with you all a lot, but then I don't sit down and actually talk with you.
The first thing that I want to talk about actually happened two weeks ago. Lutheran Ministries Service NW had a most beautiful memorial for Bill. We started with a perfect Lutheran potluck. Bill would have gone straight to the desert table and tried one of everything. Bill did like his deserts. The Harmony Sisters sang while we ate and that was great. Bill really enjoyed their harmonious way of singing and that they loved Jesus so much. Then we all went into the church at Pilgrim Lutheran and had a lovely Memorial Service. Spirit Band led the music part and sang a couple of Bill's favorite songs. Mom and I both cried through the whole service, but it was so nice to sit with the people who supported Bill's prison/hospital ministry and celebrate eternal salvation. I hope that all of the people who support LMSNW know how much Bill enjoyed his aftercare prison ministry and felt that providing support in aftercare was so much a part of Jesus command to support those so much less fortunate than us. Some of those men ministered to Bill. He sometimes told me that he could feel the Holy Spirit working in their lives and how privileged he was to be part of their lives. I doubt that it is easy to give of our limited resources to support this, but so many lovely people do and Bill really appreciated it. Mom and I agreed that although it was hard for us to go, we were glad that we did and now we feel that we have done enough memorials. Bill, I'm sure is totally focused on enjoying himself at Jesus' feet and would agree.
So, I'm writing this from Charlotte, North Carolina. Amanda & I are here for Michael and Tiffany Fremder's wedding last Saturday. Boy was that a beautiful wedding. It was a candlelight wedding and then cocktails and dinner. Yes, they had "shooters", Bloody Mary's with an oyster at the bottom. I took a deep breath, and with Bill in mind (who loved oysters) drank it down. It was good. Amanda and I got to spend lots of time with all of the Fremders and that was wonderful.
We have been able to do some fun tourist things. We have been to two plantations - no they don't look like the one in "Gone With the Wind." The second plantation home was built by a merchant from Philadelphia and he did a replica of a row house. We are flying out late this afternoon and going to a Revolutionary War Hero's home. Yesterday we drove a few hours to Asheville and met Jim and Janice McDaniels and toured Biltmore, the Vanderbilt's home. WOW. It was great to see them too. We have eaten Southern cooking (hush puppies, collard greens, spoon bread) and of course we have had Barbecue.
This has been a good trip for me. I have cried. Well - I cry at odd times anyway, but mostly I have enjoyed myself. I find that Bill comes into the conversation easily and that I enjoy talking about what he and I did and about him. It keeps him alive for me and honors the wonderful life that he and I shared. Amanda has been a wonderful companion (gosh - can you tell that I am proud of her) and has done most of the driving. What more could a mother ask. Her sweet husband calls her 2 - 3 times a week. Isn't that sweet? I guess that cell phones allow romance to stay warm even when you are waltzing your mother around.
I have felt Bill's presence at times too. He tells me to enjoy myself and that he is enjoying the times that I am enjoying. God is so gracious to allow me some sense of my sweet William. Jesus, of course, is walking along with me. Thank you God for comforting me and letting me take this trip and be able to say that I am, for the most part, enjoying myself. I live in the world - I feel all of the emotions that one feels.
Happy Thanksgiving all. Amanda and Ron and Kris, Bob and Megan will be with Mom and I. I talked with Karl yesterday and he will go out (I hope) and get some turkey. Please include us in your prayers as we face this first Thanksgiving dinner without Bill at the head of the table. I know that he is enjoying the heavenly feast. I bet that I will never stop wishing that he could still be with me. Love to you all, Sue
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I sold Bill's car today
I am thinking of Luther's hymn where he says that goods, wife, and family are not important - only God. I know that I butchered that phrase - forgive me dear friends.
Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.
So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.
The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.
Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.
I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?
Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.
Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue
Today I let go of one of the "goods." Truthfully, I'd let go of everything if I could have Bill back. It is strange to think like that. I do know that Bill is not coming back until Jesus brings us together again. But, those lovely little fantasies are very powerful. I think it is a blessing that God doesn't let us bargain like that. God has a plan and our job is to hang on and walk with God.
So, I sold Bill's car today. I put it on Craig's list. Fortunately I have watched Bill sell a few cars. He was a great teacher - by example. It is amazing what you learn by just being around someone. I certainly was never involved with any of our other car sales, but this went fairly smoothly. I got close to what I asked for the car and I got well within what I was willing to bargain for. The young lady who bought it seems nice and for some reason that was important. She really wanted this car too.
The young lady seemed very organized, but now I realize that it was the credit union who was loaning her the car that was organized. She wanted to meet me at the Dept of Licensing to sign the car over because Bill's name was on the car & if I came with a Death Certificate and a couple of other forms then she could get title immediately. The DOL is 4 blocks from where I work so I did that. I drove the car to work and parked it in a parking lot for the day. We arranged to meet at lunch time and I was very careful to not be late. Well, she showed up 45 minutes late and then told me that she was hoping that I could follow her in her car to her apartment and then she would bring me back to work. I told her that I had to go back to work and suggested that she pick up the car at my house tonight. Well, you all know that I am a big marshmallow and it ended up that I drove Bill's car to her work and then she drove me back downtown to catch my bus. I haven't a clue how she intends to get her old car that she left at her work. My mother in law picked me up from the bus. At first I was irritated, but then I laughed. I was sure that I would cry when I realized that Bill's car was gone, but the whole transaction today was so weird that I had to laugh and I was just glad to say good bye to her and the car.
Truthfully, the car is probably the one big item of Bill's (well - it was mine too) that I wasn't closely attached to because I didn't drive it a lot. I sure wish the rest of this grief stuff wasn't so painful.
I do feel Bill's presence. I don't know if any of you believe in that, but sometimes it is like he is talking to me. Usually he says something like that it will all be okay and that he is there and loves me. It is comforting to know that somehow he is present. I doubt that it is very "theological", but I figure that if it makes me feel better than that is a good thing. I also feel God's closeness and strength. I am so grateful for my faith. Aren't we all lucky that God wanted to save us and to be close to us?
Tomorrow night mom and I are going to Sequim. I am asking a couple of friends out there to spend some time with me so that it won't be so hard. I also will ask our friend Mark to have breakfast. He always did with Bill and I enjoy that. This will be my only trip in November because Amanda and I are going to North Carolina in two weeks for the Fremder wedding. I hope that I can enjoy Sequim just a little - like I did two weeks ago. Sequim has always been a healing place for Bill and I. I want that again. Friends who have lost spouses tell me that it is just plain painful for a long long time - years, but that the moments when it isn't painful gradually are more plentiful. I hope that Sequim can be a place of healing for me again.
Got to go, I am tired. This is the end of my work week, and it has been a hard week. The hospital was busy. I love you all. Pray for me. Pray for our missionaries. I do still hear from many of them and some of them are in such dangerous places. Pray that they open hearts and bring souls to Jesus. It is a good place to be. Love to all of you, Sue
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