Hello all, Thanks to everyone who helped me get through Bill's birthday week. It was harder than I expected. I think that our birthday is our very own day so when I thought about Bill's birthday I was totally focused on him and, of course, on how much I miss him.
I did have a party. Praise God for my friends in Sequim. Sorry friends in Mercer Island, I wasn't here so the party was in Sequim. I had about 12 friends bring food and wine and mostly their good spirits, warm smiles, and lots of hugs and good stories about Bill. We all agreed that although Bill is very happy where he is at he probably thought that we did a good party. It really helped mom and I get through January 13 because we had the party to look forward to and then to prepare for. Mom and I did talk a lot about Bill and cried a lot. We have decided that we will never understand why he died and left us. We accept that he is with Jesus and that this is a good thing. We don't accept that we had to lose him. I am not sure that makes sense, but it does to me.
I have been really struggling emotionally since the party. It occurred to me on Saturday that there is "nothing" ahead - just days and weeks and months and years without Bill. I set goals to get through Christmas and Advent and then his birthday. Now there is nothing coming in the near future. Setting goals of how to survive and celebrate Bill's life have helped a lot, but now I have to have small goals, daily goals, a lifetime of goals. Jesus is clearly carrying me right now. I just didn't think past Bill's birthday and right now each day feels bleak. I know that this will pass, but boy oh boy - it isn't fun. Fortunately I have good friends who have listened to me and loved me and hugged me. I imagine that I will be calling more friends too.
Mom is feeling better. She isn't totally well yet, but is not sick every day. Today she drove to her church in Renton and that was good. She is pretty depressed and struggles to find meaning in each day when all that she has is a daughter in law who is struggling too. I am hopeful that the nausea will keep fading and that she will continue to gain strength.
I started working on the taxes today. I added up Bill's medical bills. I think that will be the hardest part of the taxes, but maybe the house expenses will be hard too. I want to get them out of the way.
I did set one goal for this year - I would like to read the whole Bible. I googled 365 Bible and found sites where I could read the Bible on line, but I want to read out of Bill's Bible. Then I found a site that started with Genesis and you read straight through to Revelation. That doesn't sound very exciting, but I guess it is one way to do it. Has anyone every done this. I know that you can buy a Bible that divides the reading into 365 days, but again, I have lots of Bibles and I don't want to buy a new one. I am finding a lot of comfort from reading the Bible every day, and just thought this would be a good project. Today in our church Bible class we started a study on the book of Psalms. We read Psalm 1 and I thought about Bill.
Psalm 1:3: He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields it fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither." My sweet tree - drinking in Jesus' love and compassion, sitting at the Master's feet and loving his Lord.
I will talk to you all soon again. Pray that I feel God's hand each day, loving me, grieving my loss with me, and guiding me to me new life and continued relationship with Jesus. Love, Sue
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When I lose a dear friend I feel like it is Saturday (the day between Good Friday and Easter). Just imagine how the followers of Jesus felt when their dear friend had been so unfairly taken and killed. The One whom they had loved and depended on had so rudely been taken from them. That is depressing.
ReplyDeleteBut we have the blessing of knowing what happened later. They got to be with Jesus again after the resurrection.
The followers did not know that on Saturday. We do not have our loved one with us today like we had been used to. We too want to hide in our room like they did in fear of tomorrow.
But we do know that our Redeemer lives and has guaranteed the promise to take us to be with Himself in Heaven. So tomorrow is not just another day without our beloved Bill. Rather it is another day closer to when we will be with him again, in an even better situation than we enjoyed before, together in Heaven praising God in Jesus presence.
So as we endure the heartaches and troubles of today with a loss of focus here on earth, whenever we feel the most depressed, look up and remember yesterday was Good Friday, but tomorrow is Easter.
Yes, Sue I have read the Bible from start to finish. I have also used one Bible that listed the prophets and scripture that went along with it. At King of Kings we are reading through the Bible in 90 day increments. We began with Genesis and read through Esther the first 90 days. That meant reading about 8 pages a day. What I found was that it made the history come alive as you did not have time to forget something as you continued to read. We are now in our second 90 day read. It is going a little slower. We are reading Job through the Song of Solomon. Now we are reading about 3 pages a day. We took a break around Christmas.
ReplyDeleteMay God give you visions of how he wants to use you now. I asked God one time why he took Ethan so early and I heard his reply, "I have work for you to do that you couldn't or wouldn't do while Ethan was alive." So I am looking for that path. One is the book I wrote. It is now done and I am beginning to host charitable fund raiser book signings with it. Who know where God will lead it. Keeping you in prayer. Aletha