1st Peter1:4-5 and 8-9: God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear. You have faith in God, whose power will protect you until the last day. then he will save you, just as he has always planned to do.
(8): You have never seen Jesus, and you don't see him now. but still you love him and have faith in him, and no words can tell how glad and happy you are to be saved. That's why you have faith.
I have been thinking about Bill and his demonstration of faith as he faced death. I only hope that my faith is as strong. Bill was not afraid of death at all. Now, I was afraid because I didn't want to lose Bill. But Bill was so confident that frankly he didn't even seem to be thinking about joining Jesus. It seemed that Bill felt like he was already really tight with God and he would just be going to a closer relationship. In fact Bill longed to go to God. He asked God many times a day to just come for him. Bill felt so strongly that he would be be close to God and that the promise was his that he really didn't care about this world at all. The only thing that Bill feared was that he would get sicker and be in more pain. He certainly didn't want that. I told Bill, when he told me this, that I didn't believe that God planned for him to get sicker. In truth I just couldn't see how Bill could be any more miserable and I just felt that God would relieve that misery. I also told Bill that I would be on the phone with the Hospice nurse no matter what time that it was and I wouldn't get off the phone until I had something that would relieve any more "sickness." Bill didn't get sicker. The medicines worked to relieve the misery and then he fell asleep, and then he died. God protected Bill and Bill's faith wrapped around him like a blanket of love and a cocoon of hope.
Today in Bible class we read in Peter and I went back to chapter one and had these verses leap out at me. God has something stored up in heaven for each and every one of us. I think that something is that we will be close to God and spend eternity with him. I feel such comfort from these words. I miss Bill every moment of every day. I long for him to be with me. And at the very same moment I am so happy for him and I look forward to receiving the promise myself. It is true that there really aren't any words for how happy I have always been, all of my life, that I am saved and a member of God's family. So, thank you God for giving us the Bible. It brings me comfort and wisdom during the dreadful time of sadness while I am separated from my loved husband on this earth.
I think I'd better change the subject. I cry a lot and crying is good, but I do want to be able to talk with all of you. I think of you a lot, even when I am not writing. This has been so good for me to know that my friends and family love me, and also that I love all of you so much that I want to tell you what I am thinking.
I went to Sequim for the second time since Bill's death this last weekend. My friend Jeanne joined me on Friday and Saturday so that I wouldn't be alone. That was so helpful. I am thankful to her and her husband for sharing her. I went on Wednesday night and spent Tuesday night loading the truck and telling myself that I could get all this stuff to Sequim and that I am capable to driving the truck and loading and unloading the truck. I did pretty good. I covered my load and it did flap around some. I guess that practice in covering loads will make my covers tighter and less "flappy." The important part, that my load was secure did make me feel proud. Bill would have been proud of how I loaded things and got it all to fit. Kai, the dog, went too and wasn't thrilled to ride in the truck. I was listening to the radio as we drove and of course it was dark so I was paying close attention to the road. When we arrived in Sequim and I safely put the truck in the garage I wondered if I would be too overwhelmed with sadness when I went into the house. But, then Kai threw up on the front seat - placing her load right between the seats and that took care of any sad emotions on my part. By the time I cleaned up her mess and unloaded the food it was 10:00 and I went to bed. Thank you Kai - you keep me from getting too overwhelmed. Kai and I had lovely walks. My friends on Diamond Point visited, spoiled me, loved me, and made me feel welcome. Jeanne listened to me, cried with me, and laughed with me. It was a good beginning. I also took the truck to town and got a load of bark dust to put around the fruit trees, blueberries, and raspberries. There were two lonely raspberries left on the bush. They were delicious. I plan to go back in 2 weeks with my mother in law. If you are reading this and you live close by please think about whether you would like to help me out and go to Sequim with me. I promise that the scenery will be beautiful and that I will clean up all messes. Bill and I typically went on the weekends that I don't work and I plan to keep that up. It is our dream retreat and I know in my heart that it will be part of my healing.
My other project tonight is to get the pictures of Bill's Toyota Corolla on Craig's List so that I can try to sell the car. I have it all cleaned up and it is time to try to see about selling it. Well - actually I plan to actually sell it, not just try to sell it. It is a nice little car and I am sure there is someone who will get some good use from it. I try to do one hard thing a week - if I am successful with uploading the pictures I may let myself call this the one hard thing this week.
Mom is doing fine. I think that she really missed me while I was gone. The quiet of the house really gets to her. It gets to me too. I used to only watch TV or listen to radio once in awhile, but now one of them is on all of the time - I want the background noise. Tonight we had supper together and both agreed that we were glad to be doing that again. We eat together every night now and I really appreciate that she rearranged her life so that I don't have to eat alone.
You know, I really am blessed and I really am lucky. I am grieving and I am sad, but I am so loved and all of you just let me talk and cry and be me. Thank you for being so kind to me. I do not feel alone ever and I am grateful for that. Of course, I do feel the Holy Spirit at all times, but having tangible people who talk to me and pray for me is really wonderful. I love you all. Thank you for being you. Love, Sue
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
To Claim Eternal Peace
I had trouble signing into the blog today and panicked a little because I was afraid that I had lost the blog somehow. That would have made me even more sad than I already am.
I started reading the sympathy cards last week - probably the day after my last blog. I think writing this to all of you gives me courage to do some of the hard stuff. I did so want to thank people who remembered Bill with a memorial and I didn't want to wait forever to do that. Of course, I received much more in the reading of the cards and the lovely, moving messages of love and hope than I gave in thanking people for their memorials. I also learned something about Card quotes. I am curious now about who writes Christian cards and how they select appropriate Bible quotes. I read those quotes and they mean something to me. In a way I hope that even unbelievers are writing the cards so that God can work in their brains and their hearts.
But, the verse from II Corinthians 1:5 spoke to me and on the card it read: "...Through Christ our comfort overflows..." I always look up the verse because often what is before or after has even more meaning. So - I mistakenly looked up I Corinthians 1:5 (the wrong book totally) and read: "For in him you have been enriched in every way -- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge--" I decided that whoever wrote the quote on the Sympathy card "forced" the meaning of I Corinthians 1:5 into "comfort". Then I realized my mistake. But, I decided that God was speaking to me - that I am enriched. I have the knowledge of Jesus and God's grace and gift of salvation. I am firm in my conviction that Bill is resting with Jesus and that I will join both of them and all of the saints when it is my turn. How often have we stood in line waiting to get into something that we want to go to - sometimes not sure if there will be a seat when we get there. I am standing in line and my place is assured. Isn't the Bible wonderful - even when we read the "wrong" verse, it is the right verse.
So the other "right" verse also spoke to me and where I am feeling right now. It actually starts with verse 3: II Corinthians 1:3-6:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (5) For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." It actually goes on to talk about sharing in the suffering and comfort.
I think that I am passing out of the "shock" phase of my horrible tragedy and I am entering the overwhelming, at all times, sad phase. I just plain miss the dear man. I am also putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I am starting to think about a future - like months from now. I reserved an airline ticket to go see my sister and her family and my daughter and son in law in Alaska for next July. Yep - going to go by myself. Of course, they will be on the other end to greet and love me. I have started to think about some other places that I want to go and I am thinking about taking my mother in law out East to see her brothers. She really doesn't enjoy traveling alone anymore. In fact, she doesn't enjoy traveling by air, but I think the desire to see her brothers will overrule her concerns about traveling.
I also bought the first Christmas present for one of my loved ones this week. Yes, Christ was born at Christmas. Without the birth and the birthday party there isn't any salvation. So - yes there will be Christmas of a sorts at the Clements house this year. Well - there will be lots of tears too. Oh gosh - I cry every time I write this blog. Sometimes I just wish that God would bring me home too, but we just don't get that choice. I don't like to be this sad.
My mother in law said it very well - She told her brother that she and I put on a good front, but the days are hard. I can even put on a good front for myself for short spurts, but then I realize that I am alone and I cry. I am so grateful for my friends and family. Your cards, emails, phone calls, and even voice mails are keeping me going. It feels so good to know that you think of me and that you think of mom too.
So - God is our God of compassion and comfort. I cling to His gentle arms and I do find comfort. I miss Bill and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I praise God that I know where Bill is and I know that he has claimed eternal peace. I love you all. Sorry this wasn't so upbeat today - please keep me in your prayers. Love, Sue
I started reading the sympathy cards last week - probably the day after my last blog. I think writing this to all of you gives me courage to do some of the hard stuff. I did so want to thank people who remembered Bill with a memorial and I didn't want to wait forever to do that. Of course, I received much more in the reading of the cards and the lovely, moving messages of love and hope than I gave in thanking people for their memorials. I also learned something about Card quotes. I am curious now about who writes Christian cards and how they select appropriate Bible quotes. I read those quotes and they mean something to me. In a way I hope that even unbelievers are writing the cards so that God can work in their brains and their hearts.
But, the verse from II Corinthians 1:5 spoke to me and on the card it read: "...Through Christ our comfort overflows..." I always look up the verse because often what is before or after has even more meaning. So - I mistakenly looked up I Corinthians 1:5 (the wrong book totally) and read: "For in him you have been enriched in every way -- in all your speaking and in all your knowledge--" I decided that whoever wrote the quote on the Sympathy card "forced" the meaning of I Corinthians 1:5 into "comfort". Then I realized my mistake. But, I decided that God was speaking to me - that I am enriched. I have the knowledge of Jesus and God's grace and gift of salvation. I am firm in my conviction that Bill is resting with Jesus and that I will join both of them and all of the saints when it is my turn. How often have we stood in line waiting to get into something that we want to go to - sometimes not sure if there will be a seat when we get there. I am standing in line and my place is assured. Isn't the Bible wonderful - even when we read the "wrong" verse, it is the right verse.
So the other "right" verse also spoke to me and where I am feeling right now. It actually starts with verse 3: II Corinthians 1:3-6:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, (4) who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (5) For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." It actually goes on to talk about sharing in the suffering and comfort.
I think that I am passing out of the "shock" phase of my horrible tragedy and I am entering the overwhelming, at all times, sad phase. I just plain miss the dear man. I am also putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I am starting to think about a future - like months from now. I reserved an airline ticket to go see my sister and her family and my daughter and son in law in Alaska for next July. Yep - going to go by myself. Of course, they will be on the other end to greet and love me. I have started to think about some other places that I want to go and I am thinking about taking my mother in law out East to see her brothers. She really doesn't enjoy traveling alone anymore. In fact, she doesn't enjoy traveling by air, but I think the desire to see her brothers will overrule her concerns about traveling.
I also bought the first Christmas present for one of my loved ones this week. Yes, Christ was born at Christmas. Without the birth and the birthday party there isn't any salvation. So - yes there will be Christmas of a sorts at the Clements house this year. Well - there will be lots of tears too. Oh gosh - I cry every time I write this blog. Sometimes I just wish that God would bring me home too, but we just don't get that choice. I don't like to be this sad.
My mother in law said it very well - She told her brother that she and I put on a good front, but the days are hard. I can even put on a good front for myself for short spurts, but then I realize that I am alone and I cry. I am so grateful for my friends and family. Your cards, emails, phone calls, and even voice mails are keeping me going. It feels so good to know that you think of me and that you think of mom too.
So - God is our God of compassion and comfort. I cling to His gentle arms and I do find comfort. I miss Bill and I will miss him for the rest of my life. I praise God that I know where Bill is and I know that he has claimed eternal peace. I love you all. Sorry this wasn't so upbeat today - please keep me in your prayers. Love, Sue
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The question is Why, The Answer is unknown
Everyday I ask myself why this happened to me. I admit that I am selfish - poor Bill died. He gets no more dreams, no more time to enjoy everything that he wanted. But, Bill got to go to Jesus and I get to stay on earth, but I feel so sad. I lost my best friend, my lover, the person who really thought I was pretty neat. I feel God's presence and love, but truly, I want Bill. I really am selfish. We all long to be with Jesus and here I am wishing that Bill would be back on earth where his eyes would be dry again and he would have aching knees and elbows. So, it feels fine to whine a little, but I do try to not let myself get too weird. I keep having to tell myself that Bill is gone. I guess that is denial - I just keep hoping that he will come back. And, of course, I know that he won't. We won't be together on earth, but we will spend eternity with Jesus and that does make me feel good.
I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.
This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.
So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.
This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.
I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue
I am finished with a 5 day work week. I am not used to working like that every week. The weekend was really hard because there were several people with terminal illnesses that I worked with over the weekend. Also, one of the nurses was in a bad mood and kept asking me to do things that Social Workers don't do. So, by Sunday I was ready for a break, but I still had 3 days to work. But, God is gracious, and the last three days were easier. Today one of my coworkers brought in her new baby. She is so sweet looking and this new life reminds me that our place on earth is to live and do what Christ wants and then go on to live forever with Him. So, a baby is sweet and Bill is with Jesus.
This weekend would normally be a weekend that I go to Sequim, but next weekend is the annual apple cider squeeze and I want to go to that so I had to switch work days and I work this Saturday. At first I was glad, because it was so hard to be in Sequim, but now that it is close to the weekend I know that I will miss being in Sequim. I will miss seeing the ships go by and miss seeing my friends out there. Amanda told me that it is a good thing to keep to the routine, so I won't be going out to Sequim until my next weekend off, Oct 23. I am now looking forward to going and thinking about the things that need to be done and the things that I want to do when I am in Sequim. My friend Jeanne is joining me and that will be nice too.
So, this is probably not the most interesting blog, but I am getting into more of a routine and so things are not so up and down. They are a little more even. I still love all of your phone calls. All of you in the Midwest and East - I am often just not home from work or I am walking the dog when you call. It may take me a day or two to call you back, but I will. I enjoy talking with all of you and each of you heals a small piece of my heart or my brain every time I talk with you.
This Sunday is Redeemer's private Memorial for Bill. I lost a husband, but our Redeemer family also lost someone very important - our pastor. I think it will be good to talk with each other, to share the Gospel, and to feel the love of God pour down upon us. Pray for me. Pray for mom who feels so lost everyday at supper when she doesn't hear her son moving around to cook in the kitchen. Pray for our church as we begin a journey together without our Shepherd.
I love you all. I am blessed. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who is saving me a spot in the Heavenly choir. I have God, who will see me through this sad time. Much love to all, Sue
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
One day shy of one month
Luke 23:43: Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." I opened up the Bible to where Bill and I were reading at the end of his life on earth and this is the verse that I read. Jesus speaks so clearly from the cross. He tells us that he is telling the truth, not a theory, not an idea, not even a hope - it is the truth. The criminal joined him that day in paradise. Bill lives with Jesus. Thank you God. Thank you for giving my sweet husband eternal life and for giving me the truth - I too will join you and Bill and all the saints when my life on earth ends.
In the meantime I keep walking this new grief and yucky life path. I do have one funny story though. Two weeks ago a good friend came to spend the weekend and when I tried to grill him some salmon my grill wouldn't work. David looked it over and told me that the grill had truly died. We knew that it was old, and Bill and I had actually talked about replacing it. We even knew which grill we would get because our other friends (another) David and Jeanne have a grill like this and it is a great small grill. So when my sister Kris visited this weekend we went to Home Depot, bought the grill and us two ladies worked, and read instructions, and drank wine, and 4 hours later we put that grill together. At about half way through Kris asked me if men really enjoyed doing this kind of thing. Beats me. We also took the instructions literally - the instructions said to tighten the screws by hand so we didn't use a screw driver. When we were done the grill was kind of wobbly and then it occurred to both of us at the same time that we could use a screw driver "by hand", not the really great battery powered screw driver that Bill had. We laughed so hard that we had to sit down. We went back through, tightened all of the screws with a real live screw driver and got rid of the wobbles. Then, because it is a gas grill and I didn't really trust that I had been successful I made my sister go inside the house, got out my fire extinguisher (like that would help if the gas tank blew up) and started the ignition. IT WORKED! I made steak and baked potato for my mother in law the next night and I didn't blow up the house. My sister and I did use two screws incorrectly, but we were persistent and found out where we put them and by golly, we fixed it.
I am sure that Bill is with Jesus and enjoying being in relationship with God. I am just as sure that he laughed and laughed and was also very proud of me for buying and assembling a gas grill and for not blowing up our home. So, dear friends, I am having some good moments.
Tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of Bill's acceptance into the heavenly host. I miss him so very much. I love him and I want him back. I think of him constantly and I am reminded of him in everything that I do. I keep busy at all times so that I won't have to think and frankly I am tired. I plan to slow down. I may cry more, but I cannot wish him alive and wear myself out.
I also realize that I don't want to let things change. The weather is turning colder and I am refusing to turn the furnace on. It was summer when Bill was alive and I don't want to change anything that was happening when he was alive. However, God is in charge of the weather and it is getting colder. I did take out my winter clothes and today I forced myself to wear one of my winter outfits. I will turn the furnace on this week. I do have to go on. Bill is gone and summer is over. I also put my coat on. It is in the little things that I am reminded of Bill and that I realize that I struggle so much. Well, I guess that is normal. Whoopee - I am normal. I am glad that God is helping me go on by making sure that life remains normal - the weather changes and I have to take out my winter clothes.
So, I think I'll stop here. I again am in awe of God - Jesus told us the truth - we will be with Him in paradise. It really helps me to write this blog and when some of you respond I get to feel your love and support. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers and love. Let us all say a prayer of thanks that God gave us Jesus and that Bill rests in Jesus' loving arms. Love, Sue
In the meantime I keep walking this new grief and yucky life path. I do have one funny story though. Two weeks ago a good friend came to spend the weekend and when I tried to grill him some salmon my grill wouldn't work. David looked it over and told me that the grill had truly died. We knew that it was old, and Bill and I had actually talked about replacing it. We even knew which grill we would get because our other friends (another) David and Jeanne have a grill like this and it is a great small grill. So when my sister Kris visited this weekend we went to Home Depot, bought the grill and us two ladies worked, and read instructions, and drank wine, and 4 hours later we put that grill together. At about half way through Kris asked me if men really enjoyed doing this kind of thing. Beats me. We also took the instructions literally - the instructions said to tighten the screws by hand so we didn't use a screw driver. When we were done the grill was kind of wobbly and then it occurred to both of us at the same time that we could use a screw driver "by hand", not the really great battery powered screw driver that Bill had. We laughed so hard that we had to sit down. We went back through, tightened all of the screws with a real live screw driver and got rid of the wobbles. Then, because it is a gas grill and I didn't really trust that I had been successful I made my sister go inside the house, got out my fire extinguisher (like that would help if the gas tank blew up) and started the ignition. IT WORKED! I made steak and baked potato for my mother in law the next night and I didn't blow up the house. My sister and I did use two screws incorrectly, but we were persistent and found out where we put them and by golly, we fixed it.
I am sure that Bill is with Jesus and enjoying being in relationship with God. I am just as sure that he laughed and laughed and was also very proud of me for buying and assembling a gas grill and for not blowing up our home. So, dear friends, I am having some good moments.
Tomorrow will be the one month anniversary of Bill's acceptance into the heavenly host. I miss him so very much. I love him and I want him back. I think of him constantly and I am reminded of him in everything that I do. I keep busy at all times so that I won't have to think and frankly I am tired. I plan to slow down. I may cry more, but I cannot wish him alive and wear myself out.
I also realize that I don't want to let things change. The weather is turning colder and I am refusing to turn the furnace on. It was summer when Bill was alive and I don't want to change anything that was happening when he was alive. However, God is in charge of the weather and it is getting colder. I did take out my winter clothes and today I forced myself to wear one of my winter outfits. I will turn the furnace on this week. I do have to go on. Bill is gone and summer is over. I also put my coat on. It is in the little things that I am reminded of Bill and that I realize that I struggle so much. Well, I guess that is normal. Whoopee - I am normal. I am glad that God is helping me go on by making sure that life remains normal - the weather changes and I have to take out my winter clothes.
So, I think I'll stop here. I again am in awe of God - Jesus told us the truth - we will be with Him in paradise. It really helps me to write this blog and when some of you respond I get to feel your love and support. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers and love. Let us all say a prayer of thanks that God gave us Jesus and that Bill rests in Jesus' loving arms. Love, Sue
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Kristn is visiting
Good Evening lovely friends and family,
Today my sister Kristin and I went and received Bill's remains. I am so grateful to God that she is in town this week and could come with me to receive him. His soul is gone. He lives with God. Oh what a sweet thought that is - to live with Jesus. Still, it was hard to carry him home. I haven't picked a spot for his rest here on earth. I don't think I will pick a final spot for the two of us until I know which house I will be living in for the long term. Have you had occasion to think about visiting your loved ones and whether you would or not? Kris and I talked about our parents, both of whom we loved dearly. I have visited their graves and in the early years after their death I visited once or twice a year and enjoyed it. My parents both loved flowers and I would take daffodils in the spring and roses in the summer. I haven't visited them for at least 3 years because it is an hour and a half drive and not close to anything. I know they are with God and I find more comfort just talking with them and thinking about them then going to the cemetery. But, I do think that I would like to visit Bill. He also loved flowers and plants and I would like to take him some of my roses in the summer and tulips in the spring, and he really loved dahlias for late summer. So - pray that God will show me a place for he and I to rest ourselves on earth - our souls will rest for all eternity with the Great I am and I long for that day. So, we sat in this pretty cemetery where Bill was cremated and I cried for my loss. Bill has the final victory over death - eternity with God. I feel so alone and I miss him. I miss his laugh and his teasing. Well, I miss lots of things about him. Okay - here comes the joke - you all know that he was perfect and we will have to make him a saint. (get it - Bill wasn't really perfect)
Well - I thought that was a joke, but actually I had to take a break. My sister was laughing very hard and I wondered what was so funny. Then I smelled something burning & ran downstairs. She had put some popcorn in the microwave and it was burned to a crisp. She said that it was still popping, but black is really truly black. She was laughing so hard that she couldn't hardly stand up. My microwave was open, the garbage can was out and she was trying to open my kitchen window. Sooooo- I opened all the windows, turned on the fan, laughed at my sister until I could hardly stand up and tonight turned out to be a good night. I did make her more popcorn, but I made it - I don't trust her anymore.
So - Bill is gone. Life keeps happening. I am so lucky that my sister is with me and that we had a fun adventure tonight. Bill is laughing in heaven. So sweet friends, laugh with me and Bill tonight. I miss him. I love him. He would have loved to tease Kris and he would tell us all to laugh. I love you all. So many of you have given and given and given of your time, your love, and your prayers. Thank you and please keep praying. No Bible verse tonight. I guess it is time to start looking for the fun Bible verses. Love, Sue
Today my sister Kristin and I went and received Bill's remains. I am so grateful to God that she is in town this week and could come with me to receive him. His soul is gone. He lives with God. Oh what a sweet thought that is - to live with Jesus. Still, it was hard to carry him home. I haven't picked a spot for his rest here on earth. I don't think I will pick a final spot for the two of us until I know which house I will be living in for the long term. Have you had occasion to think about visiting your loved ones and whether you would or not? Kris and I talked about our parents, both of whom we loved dearly. I have visited their graves and in the early years after their death I visited once or twice a year and enjoyed it. My parents both loved flowers and I would take daffodils in the spring and roses in the summer. I haven't visited them for at least 3 years because it is an hour and a half drive and not close to anything. I know they are with God and I find more comfort just talking with them and thinking about them then going to the cemetery. But, I do think that I would like to visit Bill. He also loved flowers and plants and I would like to take him some of my roses in the summer and tulips in the spring, and he really loved dahlias for late summer. So - pray that God will show me a place for he and I to rest ourselves on earth - our souls will rest for all eternity with the Great I am and I long for that day. So, we sat in this pretty cemetery where Bill was cremated and I cried for my loss. Bill has the final victory over death - eternity with God. I feel so alone and I miss him. I miss his laugh and his teasing. Well, I miss lots of things about him. Okay - here comes the joke - you all know that he was perfect and we will have to make him a saint. (get it - Bill wasn't really perfect)
Well - I thought that was a joke, but actually I had to take a break. My sister was laughing very hard and I wondered what was so funny. Then I smelled something burning & ran downstairs. She had put some popcorn in the microwave and it was burned to a crisp. She said that it was still popping, but black is really truly black. She was laughing so hard that she couldn't hardly stand up. My microwave was open, the garbage can was out and she was trying to open my kitchen window. Sooooo- I opened all the windows, turned on the fan, laughed at my sister until I could hardly stand up and tonight turned out to be a good night. I did make her more popcorn, but I made it - I don't trust her anymore.
So - Bill is gone. Life keeps happening. I am so lucky that my sister is with me and that we had a fun adventure tonight. Bill is laughing in heaven. So sweet friends, laugh with me and Bill tonight. I miss him. I love him. He would have loved to tease Kris and he would tell us all to laugh. I love you all. So many of you have given and given and given of your time, your love, and your prayers. Thank you and please keep praying. No Bible verse tonight. I guess it is time to start looking for the fun Bible verses. Love, Sue
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I have thought about all of you so much and time just seems to race by.
I returned to work last week. Work is helpful. It distracts me; it fills up time, and it keeps me out of this house. I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy and co-workers who are kind and funny and understanding. I am now working 80% time so I work every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and every other weekend. That is also a good thing. I make a little more money and I am gone more. It does change my ability to get things done at home, but right now I am not very concerned about how the home is doing. Thank goodness Bill kept it up so well.
I am writing partly because I got a wonderful piece of news this weekend. Our dear friends, Fred and Mary are grandparents for the first time. They have a grandson, Austin. I am excited for them, and I admit that I think about this wonderful little child of God coming into the world as my wonderful man joins Jesus. Doesn't God have a wonderful plan? There is so much joy around the birth of a child. In fact there is so much joy that I felt a leap of joy when I read that a new baby was born! God showed me that I can still feel joy! That was a beautiful gift and this lovely little boy gave it to me just because he is born. I hope that everyone who reads this will pray for Austin, that he will grow in his love for God, and will laugh a lot in this funny world that is ours.
Last Thursday was my first day alone in the house. It was not a good day. At first I tried to work out a way to feel better, but soon decided that I needed a sad day and that I was going to feel all of the sadness and lonliness that I feel because Bill is gone. Friends called and that helped so much. I told a friend today that I am going to make a list of friends that I can call when I am sad because when I feel sad like that I cannot think clearly and it doesn't occur to me to call and tell someone that I am sad. I know that lots of us are sad. I slept well Thursday night and Friday was a better day - my second day alone, but I accomplished some things and it felt good.
I don't read Revelation very often, but I read this the other day and it fit: "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." Revelations 21:4. God is certainly with me at all times because I wipe away a lot of tears.
So, I have to go to work tomorrow - Praise God and so I need to go to bed tonight. I will not wait so long to write again. I am starting to feel Bill's presence, the strength of his love reaches down from above and I feel him comforting me and pushing me toward the next task and the next time of rest. I thank God for him and I really thank God for all of you who call, think about me, love me, and care about and for me. A child was born this weekend. He is God's child and he is loved. Life has promise and for tonight that is good enough for me. I love you all. Sue
I returned to work last week. Work is helpful. It distracts me; it fills up time, and it keeps me out of this house. I am grateful that I have a job that I enjoy and co-workers who are kind and funny and understanding. I am now working 80% time so I work every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and every other weekend. That is also a good thing. I make a little more money and I am gone more. It does change my ability to get things done at home, but right now I am not very concerned about how the home is doing. Thank goodness Bill kept it up so well.
I am writing partly because I got a wonderful piece of news this weekend. Our dear friends, Fred and Mary are grandparents for the first time. They have a grandson, Austin. I am excited for them, and I admit that I think about this wonderful little child of God coming into the world as my wonderful man joins Jesus. Doesn't God have a wonderful plan? There is so much joy around the birth of a child. In fact there is so much joy that I felt a leap of joy when I read that a new baby was born! God showed me that I can still feel joy! That was a beautiful gift and this lovely little boy gave it to me just because he is born. I hope that everyone who reads this will pray for Austin, that he will grow in his love for God, and will laugh a lot in this funny world that is ours.
Last Thursday was my first day alone in the house. It was not a good day. At first I tried to work out a way to feel better, but soon decided that I needed a sad day and that I was going to feel all of the sadness and lonliness that I feel because Bill is gone. Friends called and that helped so much. I told a friend today that I am going to make a list of friends that I can call when I am sad because when I feel sad like that I cannot think clearly and it doesn't occur to me to call and tell someone that I am sad. I know that lots of us are sad. I slept well Thursday night and Friday was a better day - my second day alone, but I accomplished some things and it felt good.
I don't read Revelation very often, but I read this the other day and it fit: "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." Revelations 21:4. God is certainly with me at all times because I wipe away a lot of tears.
So, I have to go to work tomorrow - Praise God and so I need to go to bed tonight. I will not wait so long to write again. I am starting to feel Bill's presence, the strength of his love reaches down from above and I feel him comforting me and pushing me toward the next task and the next time of rest. I thank God for him and I really thank God for all of you who call, think about me, love me, and care about and for me. A child was born this weekend. He is God's child and he is loved. Life has promise and for tonight that is good enough for me. I love you all. Sue
Friday, September 11, 2009
Sequim
Today is Friday and I am writing from our home in Sequim. Amanda, mom and I came out on Wednesday. I was naive and thought that it would be no harder than existing in Mercer Island. Boy was I wrong. It is very hard to be in this home without Bill. This was our home where we came to retreat, to relax, and to love each other even more. This is our home where we dreamed about a future where we would be together 24 hours a day. Well, God had a different plan. I almost got back into the car and left when I first walked in, but I didn’t and I will make it. I mowed the lawn yesterday (always my job when we were out here), and trimmed some trees that were growing into my view. I will make it. We have enjoyed our beautiful sun room, my Diamond Point friends have called and come and loved me. Amanda and mom have been a tremendous help and we have started new “traditions”. I guess that is what I will need to do.
So, I should say that most of the family left on Monday. I would never have made it without the support of my family and friends. My sister Kristin kept the house tidy, meals served, and all of us on schedule. She alternated between giving me so much love and telling me what I needed to hear to keep going. I will be grateful to her forever and the best part is that I know that she is there for me when I need it in the future. She has a business trip every September and will be staying with me a few days in just a few weeks. I am really looking forward to that. My cousin Donel came with her son Adam and what Kris didn’t do Donel did. I probably shouldn’t talk about people personally because I can’t mention all of the lovely little things that everyone who was here did for me. So if I don’t mention you I do know how wonderful you were to me. I will say that Bill’s friend Jim gave me some wonderful advise about taking care of mom and I will be following up on that. Karl had to leave us on Tuesday to get back to Arizona. He has dropped all of his classes for the semester. I can’t say that I blame him. Concentrating would be tough after the September that we have had. He plans to look for a job.
On Tuesday afternoon Ron drove Amanda, me and mom to Woodinville and we went wine tasting. We tried 5 wineries and had some good wine and some so so wine. Mom only drinks white wine, but she bought the most wine. Ron and Amanda bought a great bottle to drink at Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful sunny day and although I won’t say it was fun I will say that there were fun moments, and I enjoyed celebrating with Amanda on her 30th birthday. I don’t know how I got old enough to have a 30 year old daughter. On Tuesday night some of Amanda’s friends joined us for dinner at a Mexican restaurant at Alkai Beach in West Seattle. It was very good and festive. Happy Birthday Amanda.
I am returning to work on Monday. It is definitely time to do that. Part of me thinks that if I do nothing Bill will show up, but of course I know that won’t happen. So, I will go to work and come home without him for the first time. Amanda, bless her heart, is staying Monday to be home with mom on my first day back at work and to be there when I come home. I will take her to the airport on Tuesday for a 6:00 am flight home and then mom and I and our dog Kai will be on our own.
I feel God’s presence and I fleetingly feel Bill with me. I talk to Bill and I pray a lot. I have walked Kai on all of our favorite walks. I don’t have a Bible verse, but I do find comfort in the Bible. Pray for me dear friends and family. This is so very hard. If I didn’t have to do this I sure wouldn’t, but my sweet William is gone and I will be going on. I love you all and am so grateful that all of you have been so wonderful to me. Thank you all, again. Love, Sue
So, I should say that most of the family left on Monday. I would never have made it without the support of my family and friends. My sister Kristin kept the house tidy, meals served, and all of us on schedule. She alternated between giving me so much love and telling me what I needed to hear to keep going. I will be grateful to her forever and the best part is that I know that she is there for me when I need it in the future. She has a business trip every September and will be staying with me a few days in just a few weeks. I am really looking forward to that. My cousin Donel came with her son Adam and what Kris didn’t do Donel did. I probably shouldn’t talk about people personally because I can’t mention all of the lovely little things that everyone who was here did for me. So if I don’t mention you I do know how wonderful you were to me. I will say that Bill’s friend Jim gave me some wonderful advise about taking care of mom and I will be following up on that. Karl had to leave us on Tuesday to get back to Arizona. He has dropped all of his classes for the semester. I can’t say that I blame him. Concentrating would be tough after the September that we have had. He plans to look for a job.
On Tuesday afternoon Ron drove Amanda, me and mom to Woodinville and we went wine tasting. We tried 5 wineries and had some good wine and some so so wine. Mom only drinks white wine, but she bought the most wine. Ron and Amanda bought a great bottle to drink at Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful sunny day and although I won’t say it was fun I will say that there were fun moments, and I enjoyed celebrating with Amanda on her 30th birthday. I don’t know how I got old enough to have a 30 year old daughter. On Tuesday night some of Amanda’s friends joined us for dinner at a Mexican restaurant at Alkai Beach in West Seattle. It was very good and festive. Happy Birthday Amanda.
I am returning to work on Monday. It is definitely time to do that. Part of me thinks that if I do nothing Bill will show up, but of course I know that won’t happen. So, I will go to work and come home without him for the first time. Amanda, bless her heart, is staying Monday to be home with mom on my first day back at work and to be there when I come home. I will take her to the airport on Tuesday for a 6:00 am flight home and then mom and I and our dog Kai will be on our own.
I feel God’s presence and I fleetingly feel Bill with me. I talk to Bill and I pray a lot. I have walked Kai on all of our favorite walks. I don’t have a Bible verse, but I do find comfort in the Bible. Pray for me dear friends and family. This is so very hard. If I didn’t have to do this I sure wouldn’t, but my sweet William is gone and I will be going on. I love you all and am so grateful that all of you have been so wonderful to me. Thank you all, again. Love, Sue
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