Memorial address

Sorry folks, The Memorial is at Redeemer Lutheran Church, 6001 Island Crest Way, Mercer Island, WA 98040, 206-232-1711. The Memorial will start at 11:00. We are about 20 minutes from downtown Seattle.

Directions: Take I-90 East or West and take the Island Crest Way Exit
Go South about 2 miles.
Redeemer is on the Right and there is sign in front of the church.
There is parking in the back of the church and there will be people to help you park.

Much love to all. Sue

Jesus Calls

What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry Everything to God on prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit; Oh, what needless pain we bear ---
All because we do not carry Everything to God in prayer.

Text: Joseph Scriven
Tune Charles Converse

Bill told me that this is one of the hymns that he wants sung at his Memorial.

On Sunday, August 30 at 3:15 pm Jesus took Bill in his arms and gave him eternal rest. The last two days of Bill's life were peaceful. Well, except that he had to put up with Nurse Sue fumbling around to keep him clean and shaved. I was in the bedroom with him talking while straightening things and he stopped breathing. It was over. In the morning I had sat with him and had told him that I could feel the angels sitting on the bedposts watching and guarding him. I love the angels. Bill mostly kept his focus in life on Jesus and his relationship with God.

Just a few minutes after Bill died two friends from church came. Boy, God knows how to take care of me. They took over and took care of me. I told mom and called Amanda and Karl. That was really all that I was capable of doing. The funeral home came and they were wonderful with Bill. They gave mom and I all of the time that we needed. One of our church family started singing hymns and we sang Bill out of the house. He used to sing to shut ins and people who where close to death. Bill loved to sing and he loved to sing God's praise.

We are having a Memorial for Bill on Saturday September 5 at 11:00. We will have a light lunch for everyone following the service. Bill wanted the members of Redeemer to do the Memorial so we will. Our family is coming in from all over, bless their hearts, and I am surrounded by love.

I have to say that I feel like I am walking through the darkest night without my compass. I feel God's presence and I feel Jesus walking and holding my hand. I wanted Bill to walk the rest of my life with me, but I am not going to get what I want. Please pray for me, that I can face my future and regain my life is joyful outlook. I will probably post a few more blogs at least. I have heard that this has been a good thing for lots of the readers. Frankly, this has been part of my salvation. I feel like I am close to all of you and that I am personally talking with you. I love all of you and thank you with my broken heart for your love, care, kindness, and prayers. Love, Sue

PS - I read this and realize that I didn't put in some details, so I will add more later. For now, I need to stop. I am crying too hard. If there is something you want at Bill's Memorial, or if you are going to be there and want to say something please let me know. We are just going to have fun and love Bill and PRAISE GOD FOR ALL OF HIS BLESSINGS AND FOR TAKING CARE OF MY SWEET WILLIAM.

Bill sleeps

It seems that this cancer goes faster than I can keep up with. Yesterday I told myself that Bill was sleeping a lot and that maybe he didn't need so much medication. I sure didn't get the right education to practice medicine, but I rearranged his medication and waited to see how he did. Our family doctor called, a lovely Christian man who has been Bill's doctor for 17 years. He has been out of town, but listened to my concerns and agreed that it would be fine to see what amount of medication Bill needs by waiting to see how Bill reacts without the regular dose. He also asked for the privilege to be Bill's Hospice Doctor. Bill would like knowing that kind and steady Dr. McFarland is in charge during this time. He told me that Bill's liver might not be processing things well and that would mean that Bill might be more sleepy and also that the medication can build up in the body and Bill may not need as much. Bill got very restless after dinner and I gave him some medicine, both for the restlessness and for pain. He slept well through the night.

Then this morning it truly hit me that Bill isn't talking with me any longer and wasn't yesterday. I don't know exactly what is happening, but I don't think that he is sleeping. I think that he isn't really awake at all. I probably am not saying this well, but I fear that Jesus is very close.

This morning I shaved Bill (first time) and gave him a bed bath. It probably is a good thing that Bill is not focused on me or what is going on, because I am not very expert at this bath stuff. Still, he is clean and I felt so privileged and good about caring for him. I have had visitors today, some colleagues who brought flowers and goodies and our friend Jeanne Fraumeni. Bill and I traveled with Dave and Jeanne. It was nice to hear that my coworkers and boss are thinking about me. People are all so kind and if love alone could banish this Cancer it would be gone.

It has been a day of crying a lot for me - I feel like I am losing so much and I don't want to. The days is full of sunshine, but my heart is darker than night. I sit on our bed and listen to Bill breathe. It is labored and sometimes he doesn't breathe for a few seconds. I can feel God's Holy angels holding him in their arms. This is all so hard. This morning I watched the funeral mass for Ted Kennedy. Wasn't it wonderful to have such a wonderful testament to God's grace on national TV? I also liked hearing President Obama speaking about God's mercy and preparing a place for all of us in Heaven. I really like that our president is a strong Christian man.

I know this all a bit disjointed, but both mom (Bill's mom) and I are noticing that our thinking is more disjointed and that we go off on tangents. This being strong stuff stinks.

So, I read Luke to Bill even though I don't know if he hears me. This would be my prayer today:
It is from when Jesus prays just before being arrested. Jesus knows that he is close to the cross and a horrible death. Jesus has lived everything that each of us lives and has conquered it all for us. Jesus prays to his Father:

Luke 22: 42: "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." I keep praying that God will release Bill from this Cancer and release me from a lifetime without this wonderful man that I love. I do not want to drink of this Cup of sorrow. But, God is in charge and I will bend my will to His and care from my husband while he waits - either for healing or release from this earth full of sorrow. Today is a sad and rough day for me. Tomorrow is Sunday, a day of rest and celebration for all the good things God has brought us. Let us all think of 5 blessings that God has given us as we worship tomorrow. I know that my first blessing will be that I believe and will have eternal life. My second blessing will be that God gave me Bill. Love to you all. Sue

Today it is hiccups

If this whole mess weren't so tragic I almost think that I would laugh at our misadventure. Bill hasn't had a fever for a few days and that is great. We got one really good night's sleep - up only once and I hoped that we had turned a corner. Then last night Bill got the hiccups. Every time I would decide that I needed to get up and call the Hospice Nurse to find out what to do the hiccups would stop and we'd sleep for another hour or so. Then in the middle of that whole mess our electricity went out. I heard a big POP and then it was very dark. Fortunately Bill has kept a flashlight on his night stand for years so I was able to get it and we went on with our night of hiccups. I even went to one of our "Health" books and that said to give his half a teaspoon of sugar. I am usually the one who gets hiccups and Bill is always telling me new ways to get rid of them, but in the deepest dark with our little pen light I couldn't think of any.

I did call the Hospice Nurse and bless her heart she had a folk remedy too. You put a table knife in a glass of water, let the knife touch your forehead and drink some of the water. We tried it, but it didn't work so now we will add another pill - this one for hiccups. Bill is starting to have problems swallowing pills so I crush them up and put them in yogurt for him to swallow. Then he gets a little something to eat too. I'm going to make some chocolate pudding later this afternoon for the pills. Bill loves chocolate pudding. Well, actually he loves my chocolate pie, but I'll just make pudding for today.

Oh yes - we got our electricity back at about 9:30. I was late getting my morning coffee and those of you who see me in the morning know that I am not worth much until coffee. I saw our neighbor leave his house earlier than usual today & I thought that he was going to work early because of the lack of electricity. Oh no, he went to Starbucks. Had I only known - I would have had him get me a big cup of coffee. But, we are back on the grid and into another day.

I should catch you up on our construction saga. I spoke to two real people about the early morning noise and yesterday nothing started until 8:00. I was so grateful! Today, they waited until 7:20. Bill slept through it though so I am not going to complain. They did tell me that the work close to our house should be done on Friday. Life does go on. It is only Bill and I who are in our own little cocoon of care.

Today the personal care aide taught me how to shave Bill. Poor guy - I am not going to win any barber contests. We have heard from several of you who knew Bill when he had a beard and he was growing a pretty good one now, but I think he will be happier clean shaven. Bill is sleeping more and more, doesn't leave bed often anymore. He isn't seeing people, it is just too exhausting. I also learned how to change the sheets with someone in the bed.

Bill does talk to God often, just out loud. I think he feels God's presence close by. He asks for help when his chest hurts and he talks about wanting this to be over. Of course, that breaks my heart, but I have to say that it is terribly hard seeing my sweet William in such distress. I'll end with my "card" Bible verse - as usual just the right verse arrived while we were going through all of this: John 14:18: I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. We know that Jesus is here beside us, and that does bring comfort. A miracle would be nice though. Much love to all of you. I do tell Bill about things that people say and write. I love to talk with him. Love, Sue

James 5:7: Be patient, then brothers, until the Lord's coming.

James 5: 11: God cares, cares right down to the last detail.

Today was a busy day and a day when Bill talked about God and his desire for Jesus to support him and to take him home. Today he said to me that he trusts that God will get him from point 1 to point 2. He also asks Jesus to have compassion and help with the pain. Today his back hurt a lot. Yesterday I had a long conversation with the Hospice nurse and she increased Bill's Oxycontin, the long term pain medication. She said that Bill will be a little sleepy while his body gets used to a higher dose, but she was concerned that we had to use so much Oxycodone, called a break through pain medication. Bill shouldn't have much break through pain. So I started the dose and Bill's pain is much better, but he is sleeping almost all of the time. We did have another night where we were up several hours, but he didn't run a fever. The nurse also had me start to give Bill Tylenol on a schedule instead of just when the temperature starts. I keep saying that the nurse did this and that, but I should say that she works within the parameters that the doctor has set for pain management. Hospice has been very helpful.

Bill also got oxygen today so that it is here when he needs it. Right now he doesn't need it, but Hospice doesn't want him to be without if he needs it in the middle of the night. I also met with the Hospice Social Worker - a nice lady. The health aide also came and gave Bill a bed bath. Now I know how to do this and can keep him cleaner. He just is too tired to get to the shower.

So today I yelled at the city of Mercer Island. We are having construction at our intersection and they want to get it done before school starts. It is supposed to make the street safer for the kids to get to school. The only problem is that the big machinery starts at 7:00 am. At first I thought that they were working long days to get finished, but yesterday I noticed that they are all done at 3:00 pm. So, today I called the city Manager and the Maintenance Department and asked that they work from 8-4, instead of 7-3. When you have been awake most of the night having big machinery go beep beep beep as it backs up and dump loads of gravel in front of your house at 7:00 isn't very fun. I doubt I accomplished anything, but I felt better trying to get an extra hour of sleep for Bill in the morning. I am woman, hear me roar when my husband's comfort is at stake. I did actually talk to our City Manager so I guess that I can't say that government doesn't respond.

Oh, I forgot to say that Bill started eating food yesterday and he no longer needs to use "Magic Mouthwash" to swallow. So, I guess his esophagus is healed from the radiation. He eats yogurt, soup, jello, custard, and that kind of stuff. He is enjoying apple juice and iced green tea. He eats very little, but at least he gets to enjoy some food instead of just liquids. I wish I could say that he is stronger, but he isn't. He doesn't even talk to me very much. He did tell me that I take good care of him. It is my privilege and joy to care for this most wonderful man who is struggling so hard to have even a little quality time every day.

I'll end with a Bible verse that I know is familiar to many of you. In our church we often end church with this blessing. It is from Numbers, the account of the Jews wandering in the desert for 38 years. This is blessing that God gave to Moses to give to the Israelites:

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make His face shine on you
and be gracious to you.

Bill and I can feel God in our bedroom. We can feel His face shining on us. We pray that God will continue to bless us with his Grace. Our love goes out to you. Sue

Another Sunday, another day of worship and joy that God loves us so much that He gave us Jesus to win eternal salvation for us.

Bill and I are having a quiet day. On Friday night God granted us a night of sleep. Praise God! We were up a few times, but Bill didn't have the four hour fever in the middle of the night. We both felt rested and that means a lot these days. Bill ate yogurt for breakfast and custard for lunch and that also was a good thing. Boost gives you nutrition, but Bill has always enjoyed good food and I feel better knowing that he is enjoying his meals a little more. He also ate some ice cream in the afternoon. Unfortunately the beastly fever came upon him in the evening so we had a rough Saturday evening, and then he got the four hour beast again at about 3:00 this morning so we didn't get a full night's rest. Bill has been sleeping since about 10:00 and I hope that he feels rested enough to take a shower later today. He is still very weak, doesn't go downstairs at all, and stays in bed.

I so enjoy your emails and comments. Your prayers, your thoughts, the hymns and songs that you quote, and the Bible passages feel my heart with hope and with comfort. Bill prayed that Jesus would give him the energy to get through all of the struggles that today may bring. Please add that to your prayers.

Karl starts school tomorrow. It is still pretty hot in Phoenix so I imagine that sitting in the air conditioned classrooms might feel pretty good. Amanda is still working weekends for Princess Cruise lines and I think actually works through mid September. So, Amanda is basically working 7 days a week. She and Ron bought an upright freezer the other day so she says the job is worth it. Those two are real go getters.

I really haven't talked much about how I take care of myself. I ride my exercise bike for 30 minutes every morning. I go about 11.5 miles on "Random" hill rides. Then I walk the dog (lovely Kai) to dry off my sweaty body. The physical activity feels good. I have become an organization nut and several drawers in my house are all organized and I have discovered some "stuff" I didn't know I still had. Mostly though I sit with my sweet William and enjoy our time together. Love to all of you and please continue to pray for a miracle. Love, Sue

Gosh, The whole week went by and I hardly noticed it. Thank you all for your tremendous support and love. Bill and I both have felt your love, concern, and care.

Bill and I continue to read Luke. On Tuesday I read a verse and he told me that I need to put that in the blog. I love that Bill is thinking of all of you and wants you to know what he is thinking to.

So our Bible thought for the day is Luke 10:20: However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. God sure does know how to make us believers feel better. My name is written with Bill's name and so many of your names. WOW.

We are currently at Luke 16:16 - called "Additional teachings" in Bill's NIV Bible.

So, an update on our physical life in this world. Bill continues to stay in bed, is still pretty weak, and still has a lot of discomfort when trying to eat. This worries him so much that he limits himself to Boost or Ensure. As we all know, he is not going to gain any strength on that kind of a diet so today I am going to be more pushy about eating. We really have to get some help for the fevers that he runs at night. We are both up for 3 to 4 hours because he gets these fevers, he needs ice packs, he needs Tylenol, he needs water, he gets anxious, and of course everything aches. I rub his back, try all kinds of pillow arrangements, and generally hold him and tell him I love him. We see the nurse today and I plan to get a better plan of attack to keep these under control. We both need a night's sleep.

I had a long talk with our pulmunologist, Dr. Gorten. He plans to talk about Bill today at tumor board and will then let me know what the consensus is from all three doctors treating Bill about whether Bill's suffering is more from the treatment or the cancer. In the meantime the Hospice people have started and they are all really great. I know that I want Bill to live so I want this pain and suffering to be from treatment because that means that Bill could rally. But, I have placed Bill in God's hands and I will take this walk with Bill and Jesus. I will also encourage Bill to do things that may help him get stronger.

In the meantime Bill's ministry continues. I got a call from someone yesterday that he and a group of people had purchased boxes of Bibles for the jail ministry and they will have some High School students mark them as Bill has taught many of you to mark Bibles so people seeking faith and understanding about Jesus can start with the highlights of our remarkable God. Otherwise people just start with Genesis and get bogged down with the lists of names and soon stop reading and learning. Bill didn't invent this system, but has had women's groups, students, and just plain folks marking Bibles for years so that when the jail Chaplains give a Bible it comes with a road map to salvation. Those boxes will soon be ready for distribution to the King County Jail. Bill smiled when I told him that. Getting Bibles to prisoners was a big part of his ministry.

I did spend some time in my garden yesterday, trimming old roses and picking off dead pansies. I do love to grub in the garden and our roses are particularly beautiful with their third bloom on the season. The good news about being off of work is that I have tended the garden a little better than some other summers. I had an eye doctor appointment yesterday. I was almost out of contact lenses so I had to go. A good friend, a nurse, sat with Bill. This was a good thing because I get a different perspective on how he is doing. She told me some strengths that she saw in him (like being able to sit up by himself and hold himself up) and that felt good. Oh, and my eyes are in great shape, only a very small change to the prescription.

While Amanda and Ron were here we had a local photographer come to our home and had some pictures taken. We have a family membership and they offered a "Deal." Those of you who know me know that I am such a "Bargain Betty" that I would only go for a deal. I am so glad that we did this and today the photographer is coming so that I can order pictures. We didn't get a family picture because Karl had already returned to Arizona, but I hope that we can get group pictures with him at another time. I admit that I ordered a picture of Bill and I kissing each other. Yes folks, we kissed each other right out on our front lawn in front of God and the photographer. Yes, we did it in front of our children. Ron and Amanda wouldn't kiss for the photographer. So, I guess love does get better and better as the years pass. Okay - that was my attempt at humor. I haven't laughed much this week, but both Bill and I know that we need to do that to.

The only other tidbit for today is that we are having construction done on the corner and street that we live on and we are the second house from the corner. Yesterday the big machines kept beeping as they backed up over and over. Bill asked what the heck was going on and I reminded him about the construction. He said, "I really know how to pick a time to get sick. I get to put up with everything." It is 7:20 in the morning and the big machines are revving up for the day and beep beep beeping along. Oh boy - another day.

I'll end with one of the Bible verses sent in a card this week:
Romans 12:12: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

We pray with hope for a miracle and more time together with minimal suffering. We struggle to be patient with affliction, but Jesus is there with us as we try to find ways to accept this. We hope that all of you will be faithful in praying for Bill - for healing if it is God's will, and for help with this suffering. I would appreciate prayers for humor, patience with the professional team (Just make him better for Pete's sake!), and an appreciation of how wonderful my sweet William is. Much love to you all, Sue